Brian De Palma presents "New Year's"

December 31st, new year's eve, is the most over-rated holiday out there. It's the 'Scarface' of holidays. Ball drop. Yoy. Dick Clark. Whoo. A sea of drunks and urine in Times Square. Yippee. Wake me for Arbor Day or something.

xmas disaster

Christmas was good; I hope you all can say likewise. The only problem was the disappearance of our favorite ornament (circled in the photo). An old melty santa candle. The car's still around, but no santa. Hit and run bastard!

busy busy busy

Taking measures to slow the estrangement process of people in my life. Lucky for me Happy and Blue 2 has plenty o' good advice during these holiday times. Stuff about beavers, gift ideas for bums, you name it!

Reviews of the mundane: toilet paper
Unless angels tend to pill up in one's ass I suggest Angel Soft brand tp change its name. It used to be good, now it's some Charmin wannabe. And for everyone whose nation uses tp rolls, over not under. Under is just ludicrisp.

are these guys for real?

Bandname: Hobbit
Album: Two Feet Tall
Best songname: Faggots (wood) In The Fire
The fact they need to include the definition/disclaimer in the song title!

Award season already?

Vapid Expression of the Week Award goes to: the 2 old ladies today driving headlong towards my car while I'm on a one-way street. The illustration simulates my point of view. Zoom in for details. (The Hot Librarian wasn't kidding; it's tough drawing on a computer.)


Lying Sack of Shit Award goes to: stoned-lookin', slick-haired worker at the Electronics Expo store.

Godhaswheels' Story Hour

^{(where ribald tales are picked up midstream leaving readers in the lurch)}
Not since The Great Debauchery & Subsequent Hangings at East Hemblington of Thaddeus the Hairy-Tongued, so called for his hairy-tongue, & Gilchrest the Unwise, whose most hirsute glossa would surely have deserved him the aforementioned title had it not already been taken by Thaddeus (for which Gilchrest thusly bedgrudged him ever-so imperceptibly), whereupon was declared the now-famed axiom, "aye goode meade noht unlyke sexualle proclivities, must certainly bee enjoyed bothe warme and wyth aye goat"...

Moore. (Moop?)

There's a term in the tech industry dubbed "Moore's Law". It's bandied about in the media, probably by that loud yelling CNBC stockmarket goof. Essentially Intel guy Gordon Moore said, "the number of transistors and resistors on a chip doubles every 18 months". Later he changed it to 24 months. Nowadays this "law" refers to a 2^t exponential curve, stating that either computing capacity increases or cost decreases along it, doubling every year or thereabouts.

Something's fishy as I'm sure you can tell. There's no formula or calculation associated with it nor any rigidity in its definition (maybe it was created by Mormons). Taking a wild guess I'll say it skipped the Scientific Method as well. Though Moore was an engineer this thing reeks of econ-talk^†. It seems akin to something I might make up on the spot right now actually.

Glomgold's Law of NY Drivers: IF an automobile has a NY license plate AND the driver is from the 5 boroughs or Long Island THEN the probability the driver is an asshole who does not comprehend the use of mirrors is 98%. Furthermore the likelihood the driver putters along exclusively in the fast-lane is inversely proportional to the speed x at which the car is travelling. Should x reach zero the vehicle will be perpendicular to the flow of traffic.

From reports I've read, one of the reasons why Moore's Law applies to anything at all is because industry insiders are aware of its presence and feel the need to adhere to it thereby fulfilling its prophecy. That however is not the case with Glomgold's Law because A.) said drivers are unaware of anything and would therefore care naught for this law and B.) sadly, it has been backed by plenty of empirical data.
_{†Those who've had the displeasure of taking Micro-Economics know it's basically an attempt to stretch a whole semester's worth of busywork out of one elasticity / marginal-cost curve.*
*That dagger † thing rocks.}

Zing

While out for a drive I realized my tank was near empty. I passed several pricy gas stations and elected to stop at a cheaper no-name stand. This was a mistake for once back out on the road my car did not run smoothly. It chugged along as if it had been filled with old bacon grease rather than unleaded. Even more suspicious, as I stepped on the accelerator the cabin immediately smelled like an IHOP. Incredibly, when I opened my glovebox I discovered a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs!!! How the hell could something like this happen?! I specifically asked for them over-easy.
Wahooo!

The threat is real!

For many years Papa Johns Pizza has been advertising their brand of holy terror in the great commonwealth (ok, state) of New Jersey but not until recently did I realize how imminent the danger. Apparently a Papa Johns store has opened in my nearby locale. How could the mortal enemy of tasty pizza surface in the very midst of Jersey, guido capital USA? Where's the rioting? Where's the public outrage?? If one wishes for the Papa Johns pizza experience try this generic, and free, equivalent: grab a can of bathroom cleanser. Lick it. For their breadsticks go out to the yard, grab smooth oblong stones, dip in butter sauce, swallow. When Ohioans are telling you "this is the best tasting pizza ever!" you know something's up. So now we've got Domino's, Sbarro's, and Papa John's. It's becoming "Chunderfest" around here. If Pizza Outlet and Round Table open up nearby I'm nuking the place (just kidding Rumsfeld, please don't torture and kill me).

extra extra

"Who Still Gives a Shit about Tom Cruise?"
^{A GodHasWheels non-exclusive report}
Though the little man's appeal has never been understood by this "publication", of late the self-absorbed fellow seems truly to have gone off the deep end. 100% of people recently surveyed were of the opinion Show-me-the-money is a douche. In addition three of the pollees, going by the names of Gavin, Dexter, & Donvier, also declared Katie Holmes now to be 'damaged goods' purely by her association with that quack. "I wouldn't fuck her with Donvier's dick and Gavin pushing!", exclaimed Dexter.
editor's note:That is a false quote interpolated from a remark by a classmate from many years ago and, being quite funny, saved until the appropriate venue to illustrate two truths:
1.) Men speak as though everyone wants to bang them. When a 50 year old fat, pock-marked, sausage-fingered guy sees an attractive woman and woofs, "I'd do her", yeah because she can even look at you and not vomit her lunch you chode.
2.) Scientology = crazytime.

T'was good

sad

Juan Pablo Torres, R.I.P. 59
Shocked to learn my favorite Latin Jazz artist died this year of a brain tumor. I'd been hoping to catch a performance some day. Read this Latin Beat interview if you'd like to learn more about him. The discography alone is reason enough to parse it as I've had difficulty in the past tracking down his stuff.

Potter Mania!

That's right folks, the world is once again swept up in Potter Mania and I'll be a monkey's uncle if Mr. Potter isn't keen on buying up the Bailey Building and Loan, the scoundrel! That is, unless young George will head up the business in the wake of his father's death. But he was planning on shakin' the dust of that crummy little town off of his feet and seeing the world. Careful George or your new address upon your return just might be Pottersville!

So sorry, that is the wrong Mr. Potter. The hubbub actually concerns Mr. HARRY Potter, protagonist of the J.K. Rowling enterprise. You might have heard that over the past several years there's been quite the global phenomenon triggered by "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's (Sorcerer's) Stone". The book series / movies / toys / candies / knapsacks / etc. deal with a young boy who sets off to wizarding school to learn magic, face hijinks, and save the world. It's been a good bit of fun and has garnered Ms. Rowling a pretty penny to boot. As easy as the stories read you will surely be shocked to learn it was not all peaches & cream for the author. She had a tremendously difficult time creating the story arc and characters and the whole thing almost never came to pass. Even titling that first novel was a struggle. GodHasWheels has, through great difficulty and loss of life, managed to obtain a short list of alternate book titles the author initially was considering. This, kids, is a world exclusive*:

-Harry Potter and the Exorbitant Price of Petrol
-Harry Potter and the Impending Deadline
-Harry Potter and the Person Who Left Only One Bloody Crumpet in the Cupboard,       Whoever That Was.
-Harry Potter and the Last of the Valium?! Bugger!
-Harry Potter and the Certainty That Camilla Parker-Bowles is up to Something, That Strumpet!

*_{It's a lie. This is neither a world exclusive nor true by any means. Really, it's just horse-hockey.}

Snoopy eat your heart out

It was not raining outside but inside Jean-Philippe's heart was a monsoon, if one were to substitute blood for rainwater and gastro-intestinal gas, most assuredly due to the over-consumption of turnips at the dinner table, for gale-force winds. His entire body shook & trembled as though it were an obese man's stomach that had just been slapped, hard, by a 23 lb. large-mouth bass, or maybe even a rainbow trout though most certainly a fresh-water fish rather than one native to salt or brackish waters. There were tiny thunderclaps of pain inside Jean-Philippe, complete with tiny lightning-like electrical shocks, though the shocks came first and the thunder second because light travels faster than sound, idiot. His stomach wrenched in anguish like a plumber trying to tighten a heavy-duty, all-brass 1 ½" slip-joint nut coated in a layer of spooge. "Sacré Dieu!" he whined shrilly with a most punch-in-the-face-worthy expression. "J'ai besoin un café au lait mais n'il ya pas un Starbucks ici". Then a man shot and killed him in a hailstorm of bullets which is not to be confused with a hailstorm of golfball-sized ice aggregates which would surely dent the roof of your car. Better park in the garage tonight.
Fin.

Fool's Paradise

So USA'ers waste approximately $65 billion a year on illegal drugs. This figure covers only the cost of consumption, not law enforcement, rehab centers, etc. As a comparison this is $20 billion more than is spent annually on alcohol. So what does this mean? It means we're talking a buttload of money! Exxon "rapin' america" Mobil would be proud of these numbers. Of course poor countries, who aspire someday to have this kind of lucre to throw away on drugs from even poorer countries, want in on this lucrative industry. According to the latest data, Mexican drug cartels are now the top suppliers of cocaine, marijuana, & methamphetamines to the US. They provide almost 50% of the heroin too. I bring this whole thing up not because of its disturbing nature but because the Mexican Federal Attorney General is Daniel Cabeza de Vaca. If I'm not mistaken his surname means "Cow's Head". I could just plotz.

(I've added more of you to my sidebar bloglinks. I'm gettin' there.
Les Becker & Cody)

Malibu Barbie, you bitch

Top 5 email spam types I receive:

amortization- someone thinks I can afford a house. Maybe a dollhouse. And only if I sold my body on the streets for a few years. (shh don't spill the beans or they may stop sending me these delightful emails)
Japanese crap- can't read it cuz it's in Japanese. It might not be crap. ...Yeah, it's crap.
Christian singles- WTF?!
stuff from David Shapiro- undoubtedly some guy I pantsed in high school who's now gettin' his sweet revenge. Guy, I'm sorry.
printer ink supplies- they must know I own Lexmark printers which, by the way, run dry after 6 uses and usually cost less to replace in their entirety than just the ink catridges themselves. I think the printers are given out free at the supermarket with a purchase of a can of garbanzo beans. I will soon be able to build my own igloo out of Lexmark printers. Within its domed inkjetty walls will be where I turn tricks in hopes of one day buying that elusive Barbie Glitter Dream Dollhouse.

(good lord has blogger been acting buggy for me lately)

Well, holy shit.

US Lawnmower Racing Association
I'm pretty sure the blades have been removed, at least I hope so because otherwise that would be quite stupid. Hey now, wait a minute...

Speaking of stupid there are 2 things I love to see in the news. First, any headline concerning Michael Jackson that declares "Jacko is Wacko!". I don't care about the story or the "guy"; that line cracks me up. Second, I love when they use the word 'payola' to refer to graft or bribery. It sounds delicious! Like a peanutty candybar.

This came to mind after reading a post by Kevin. I very much enjoy what he has to say.

Hell on earth

Guitar Center store drum dept. sales clerks suffer what must be akin to the agony of everlasting hellfire. Ok, there's no pitchforks nor anal fisting but it's pretty damn bad. Parents bring in their 5 year olds to bang the shit out of anything they lay a stick on. Hey that's like the catholic priest credo of "parents bring in your 5 year olds I'll bang the shit out of them with my stick". (Whee!! Cheap shot/cheap humor, Jay Leno style).
Older customers must have studied at the musical conservatory "Fortissimo on up". They play at one level only: pound-til-someone's-ears-bleed. "Why yes, I'd love to hear you play that Nirvana drumbeat ad nauseum. I SAID I'D LOVE TO HEA..." It's the world's loudest pissing contest. If patrons in the woodwind section behaved this way they'd blow their anal sphincters right through the seat of their pants. Luckily there is no woodwind section.

On the plus side I've located two fantastic-sounding (I think, was tough to hear) economically-viable snare drums that will one day be mine! A clear acrylic Pork Pie PigLite (I know. Acrylic, weird right? But it sounds like a champ!)
and a Pearl ebony mist Firecracker. Fan-fucking-tastic!

(Mo Williams with 23 pts??!! Nets get your goddamned defense together!!!)

Jesus Is Magic

Sarah Silverman's movie Jesus Is Magic will soon be out. She is too funny.

GodHasWheels Previews the NBA 2005-06 Season:
New Jersey Nets open tonight. They'll be Atlantic champs. Nenad Krstic! Nenad Krstic! Ian Eagle is a great announcer who got shafted by the YES network though.
Everyone not named "Spurs" is playing for 2nd place. Correct is the analyst who stated only an injury to Tim Duncan or an act of god will prevent San Antonio from winning it all. In fact, if not for that miracle Derek Fisher bullshit 2 years ago this would be the Spurs 4th straight title. The media's finally wisened up; a team doesn't need old-ass Jack Nicholson as a fan to be deadly. And Ginobili's awesome. Jasikevicius is a good pickup for Indiana. Desmond Mason got scrod. Poor KG. I've never seen Wally throw a pass; in that respect he's like the white Yinka Dare. Olowokandi PLAYS like a white Yinka Dare. Dwyane Wade's cool but Converse sneakers have slippery soles. No Sprewell in the league. Excellent. Lebron James' head is too small for his body. Ditto Kobe (who is still a rapist). Knicks have 14ft. of fat, useless centers. Kevin Harlan will force me to mute many games because of his imbecilic catchphrases.
Players that clip and polish their nails on the bench need to stop that shit right now. All Yao Ming haters please take a belt and go hang yourselves from your shower curtain rods. Gonna be a good season.

Happy Halloween

"Hmm... Colon Blow. Sounds delicious."

Thulsa Doom is back! Christians couldn't keep him down. Like non-refridgerated, month-old Deviled Eggs in an ipecac marinade.

So I'm really excited for the new Georgia Aquarium. The marquee attraction will be 2 whale sharks!! Though small at only 13 ft. each, the alternative is never seeing any. It's a good reason to return to Atlanta. Last time there I saw jack & shit because of the co-worker whore with me on my business trip. I recall getting lost on about 2 dozen roads all named Peachtree-something and the strumpet doing no work but taking credit for everything I did. Sweet. I already missed the great white in temporary captivity at Monterey Bay but I'll rectify that by going shark cage-diving. Tuff talk from a poor-swimming chump afraid of deep water but it's one of only a few things on my life's to-do list. I'll save it for when I'm closer to death else I'll have nothing to look forward to. Or I can settle for this.

Reviews of the mundane: cereal
Wuzzat you holler? "Where's our beloved Cereal Review Classix?!" Put down the torches & cudgels and let that witch go. Fear not, it's still here only better than ever! Going forward, all mundane product reviews will fall under this new umbrella, streamlining and facilitating the synergizing of strategic thrusts. GodHasWheels' mission statement is to integrate not granulate, to deliver the best content-specific blahbity blah blah bullshit. Whatever.

Ok, today's cereal is: Back to Nature's Organic Apple Cinnamon Harvest
Well, it's not much to look at. If after a blustery autumn day one were to gather apple orchard detritus and put it in a bowl, you get the idea. Organic indeed! Plus the bag was a sonofabitch to open but this cereal smells great. It's comprised of oats, dried cinnamon apple slices, flakes (wood shavings?), and puffed rice that looks like kibble. It's sweetened with cane sugar & fruit juices and tastes delicious, though the texture's a bit odd. You could be chewing on its gristle for hours. That's because there's 11grams of fiber per normal serving. That's practically half the fiber one needs PER DAY! Normally I eat 3 or 4 bowls of cereal per sitting but this stuff reminds me of Phil Hartman's Saturday Night Live "Super Colon Blow" cereal ad so I just stuck with the one. Give it a shot. It really tastes good and ain't too pricy either. Plus it should last awhile unless you're a glutton for potty punishment.

Push butt Rub gently under arm

Ladies may be unaware but this is the most famous cluster of words known to the american male. "One small step for man"? pff. "It's not what your country can do for you"? Fuhgeddaboudit (even to see this written phonetically is shameful. What a played out expression).
Anyways practically all restrooms here have electric hand dryers. Attached to most are printed metal placards listing instructions for use: "Push button. Rub hands gently under warm air". I've yet to witness firsthand their defacement but I assure you, any public men's room dryer not brand-spankin' new has been altered. Why? Why is the sky blue? Why do rubberneckers grind to a halt on the freeway to ogle car accidents? Why does okra feel like it's been dipped in saliva and not just any saliva but the kind one gets after drinking a glass of milk? It is nature's way.
I am curious to know if this phenomena occurs in: A.) ladies rooms & B.)non-american restrooms. Any info would be much appreciated.

Things I've lied about

Tired of penance and words
Confession is absurb
Cause you shouldn't have done the deed in the first place for sure

^{Ah, truer lines were never spoken. These are courtesy of the metal band Hades.}
Today I seek not redemption. Nor forgiveness. Solely for the purpose of exposing another facet of me, and thus personalizing further this site, do I present these. Prevarications I've been guilty of at some point in my life.

-In middle school I finally was able to buy my first pair of "name brand" sneakers; ugly blue pigskin Reebok running shoes from the clearance section of a Marshalls discount store. My hometown's populated almost exclusively by richy-rich white snobs. When asked by a classmate where I'd gotten the shoes, I persisted that "I couldn't remember" to throw him off the track. Clever.

-My freshman year of college, in order to validate a weak joke I was perpetrating, I lied that I'd seen the James Stockdale vice presidential debate. In fact, I'd only read about it afterwards. Unnecessary.

-Sorry to say, I shoplifted several fake-o transformer toys from a Bradlees discount store once while my mother shopped next door. When she saw me playing with one she questioned where I'd gotten it. I claimed I found it on the sidewalk. She believed it! Out of guilt I disassembled and threw them away. "If I can't have you, no one will!!!"

-Once in high school a girl I was into told me she loved the Rolling Stones and I said I liked that. I didn't give a poop about the Stones. I liked her and was glad she listened to something that wasn't Phish or Jimmy Buffett. Hmm, this might not count as a lie.

-Basketball pickup games usually end with me saying "good game" to nice guys who kinda stink. They're usually foul-crazy hatchetmen but I don't wish to discourage people from exercising & playing the greatest sport on earth.

-Asked by a friend whether I thought the singer Mya was hot I said, "eh, she's ok" but that's not true. She's freakin' hot!

-During a summer stint at a telemarketing firm, on the phone I'd lie that my name was Bob which, coincidentally, turned out to be the name of the creepy guy sitting next to me. I found this out one day when he demanded I stop using his name. I was terrible at the job and often hung up in a fit of laughter on the people I was calling. If you've worked these gigs you know that the automated systems redial the same numbers at a later time. He was getting some serious negative responses during some of his callbacks. In fairness to me no one ever gets my real name so this way was easier. Plus, my 2 or 3 other friends working there also used his name and stank just as much as I did.

off the hook in Ratchaburi province

Would you eat this wacky Thai bread?

"bitch I'll make you famous"

If you're attempting to crack into the lucrative rap market and need a song penned, consider my braggadocious sample below:

earn* ten figures like storage for close to a dozen cremated people
so popular Hollywood's got Jet Li playing me in a sequel
or 2, or 3, skip the original movie believe me I'm pulling weight
comtemplate a freight train loaded with sumo wrestlers and their dinner dates

*urn. A homonym. Whee!!

You'd be required to be an Asian male otherwise the lyrics won't work. I will not compromise my art for anyone!! (fist shaking in the air). In addition to the fine wordsmithing I will throw down a simple, phat 4/4 Dr. Dre style beat and sample an Isley Brothers song mixed with some Bob Marley played back in cut time and a different key. I will also hire a "rival" entourage to open fire at yours thus securing your credibility.

From your one-hit wonder I will accumulate fame and a small fortune in royalties, retire, and then purchase a tiny island in the Far East. After living in this Pacific paradise for approx. 2 months it will be inundated by a low-level typhoon. My bungalow will be no match for the elements and I will be washed to sea where, during the most frightful night of my life, I will empty my bowels repeatedly and then drown lonely & terrified. Quite soon thereafter my floating carcass will be preyed upon by small sharks and an occasional unforgiving seagull. When the authorities fish my half-eaten, bloated, sunburnt body from the waters two days hence they'll initially stare in dismay. As one is checking my pockets for a wallet (it would contain no money should you even find one, good sir) the other will avert his gaze muttering, "his beats SUCKED! I could've written that shit". Maybe so my man. Maybe so.

Dying to be 'exotic'?

Can't stand having a wide selection of Hollywood acting gigs available to you? Maybe you just really want to be asked, "Where are you from?" followed always by "Originally?" every time you step out. Well my friend then you need to be Asian! Here's my guide to help you along. Follow instructions carefully and you'll be fast-tracked to being either A.) openly fetishized or B.) completely overlooked, depending on your gender.

• Look alike.


• Ensure you're the token member in your frat or sorority. Must keep that cachet.


• You gotta swear off that peanut butter & mayo sandwich shit. Seriously.


• If you're Korean, your name's Kim or Lee. If you're Vietnamese, it's Nguyen or Tran. Chinese it's Chen or Li, but if you're Japanese your name's 4 syllables long and ends in a vowel. What's up with that? It sounds cool but that's like 3 syllables away from Indonesian territory!


• Given the differential equation: y" - 2y' + y = sinh x
  the general solution is: y = (c₁ + c₂x)e^x + ¼x²x^e + (1/8)e^-x
  Memorize this.


• Get a tattoo of a random misspelt word on your arm. Tell people it means "I dearly love my family and friends and wish them all fabulous health, wealth, & a yacht".


• Don't even wait for people to ask before you start in with the chopsocky ka-ra-tay action!


• Never refer to martial arts as 'chopsocky'.


• Include Indians, but only when it suits your needs. (reference: see New Yorkers regarding Long Islanders)


• Make sure your arms & legs are 10% shorter than those of your Black counterpart.


• Squint. A lot. (reference: David Carradine in TV series "Kung Fu")


• Never ever use your dishwasher for anything besides storing dishes.


• If all else fails, throw a black mop on your head like Sean Connery's Bond in "You Only Live Twice" (Nancy Sinatra, I love that theme song!)

Disclaimer: Converting to Asianality (modern English allows one to turn any word into a noun by appending -ality to it; even another noun!) will not make you an instant classical musician. Piano and violin skills are inborn.

"my life is gonna be... beeeeeeyoooteeful"

Kids, I'm sure you know I was joking about the cymbal. Zildjians are my favorite and this particular Chinese Crash sounds fantastic. How fantastic? Imagine if Dean Martin were melted down to a bronze alloy, hand-hammered into an 18" disc, and polished to a glossy sheen. That's how fantastic (though maybe not so for Dino).

You'll recall months ago I mentioned my sister's band The Flying Club. Well they have released their CD! Check out their site as there are songs available for you to listen to. Good stuff.

Lastly, Suzi Mac tagged me for a blog meme-thing, or whateverthehellitscalled. Tis my first and thus I partake to mark the occasion. Rules below:
<sub>1. Go into your archive
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.</sub>

"For the most part I find him particularly unfunny." (regarding Will Ferrell).

Who's next? Probably no one but I'm tagging the Monkey King, Sara, Happy and Blue 2, L, and the Half Pint.

My Precious

A recent gift to us. It is... precious to me. (hey, what's Zildjian trying to say here? Zoom in and see)

It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
It lies behind stars and under hills,
And empty holes it fills.
It comes first and follows after,
Ends life, kills laughter.

Was trying to update my bloglinks but some funny things be happenin' with Blogger so, another time.

KoC and squeaky chairs

Let me preface this by stating I know nothing of the Knights of Columbus and they're probably a fine organization. I will haphazardly assume they began as Christian knights who defended Christopher Columbus from all his would-be assailants since the guy was a complete jackass. Anyway, according to the K.o.C. "prayer is the highest expression of one's faith" which implies that lip service is more important than action in expressing true intent. This is but a hop, skip, & jump away from saying blow jobs are more important than true love!

Many men probably echo that last sentiment. Those middle manager suits who talk landscaping, golf, and their kids in the lunch room? Once they step through the door into the lavatory it becomes pure locker room vulgarity. All "bang" this, "ass" that, or some combination of the two. Or it's some guy conducting a business call whilst taking a leak or pinching a loaf. If you're in a conference call and the fellow at the other end apologizes for his seat squeaking, it probably was his 'seat' just not the one with castor wheels.

Lonely Guy

Are you lonely and seeking correspondence? Has the thrill of life abandoned you at ennui's doorstep like a flaming sack o' simile-ical* poop? Peep this: PrisonerLife, a site dedicated to felons in search of penpals... and more. Their extensive member directory provides photos, bios, & release dates. If you have a forgiving nature and sustained faith in the fundamental goodness of humankind, take a gander. I of lost hope, broken spirit, & stone heart advise against submission of SSN#s. Good Luck.
_{*I don't know how to convert simile into an adjective.}

Johnnie Cochran dead. Species extinct.

Flipped through the New Yorker magazine recently. It contained an 84 page special section dedicated to the "city's top lawyers". Believe it or not ~75% of the photos were middle-aged Jewish men, 24% were other middle-aged white guys, leaving 1% for 'the rest'. Not until possibly pg. 78 did I spot the first woman (white) and then there was maybe one more at the very end. Skintones never ran deeper than "pale". Crazy I know! Where's Ripley?

EXTRA! -- Opera web browser is now 100% free. No mo' ads, no mo' reg codes. IE users have no excuse not to switch over immediately. "It is God's will!!"*
_{*This expression stems from a misunderstanding due to the thick nature of the Southern drawl. They're actually saying "It is God's WHEEL", as in, "our great wheeled god will run you the fuck over if you don't do what we say."**
**You know I'm making this crap up.*** But Opera is free. Get it.
***The lawyer thing is real too.}

$200 billion industry??

Is there another field more patently useless than the fashion industry? Fashionistas, boiled down to their basic elements, are shysters making careers out of championing peer-pressure, belittling people, and selling snake-oil. Inferiority complexes are fostered so short-term items can then be foisted upon folks with the promise they'll remedy perceived imperfections. However one season's cure becomes the next's object of ridicule.

The brand Diesel's slogan is "for a successful life" which means "buy our clothes otherwise you suck. kill yourself". Victoria's Secret once described their new bra as "impossibly romantic". Say what?! Fashion mags are a waste because, though enormous, the pages are too glossy to wipe one's ass with. And what the hell's a runway show? Call it by its proper name: "coke snortin' party for rich folk" or maybe "Masque of the Red Death".

And it sure is fishy that Fashion's a "creative" field. In terms of innovation, they cycle more crap than Lance Armstrong if his bikes were made of horse shit and he were competing in the Tour de Merde. In terms of generating waste, they and the plastic industry should probably have landfills named after them. "Garbage Dump - by Ralph Lauren". Eck, these topics always make me feel awful but I'm sure a nice new belt will cure that. One with a big fat buckle! Or was that last year? Or was that 1976? 1776??
----
On an entirely different note, George Lazenby. Worst. James. Bond. ever.

"Potential For A Fall"

Here's another tale, a replay of society's failures
Out for ourselves, bred to consume in pursuit of wealth
And the ones in charge, once secure show disregard
for future generations who must endure what's left behind

No compassion, no caution, no forethought
Potential for a fall
No forethought, no vision, no future
Potential for a fall
Go on about our lives as we turn a blind eye
as long as I get mine
Potential for a fall
Submissive, complacent, sit back and let it slip away
Just can't seem to hold it together

And yet we continue with the charade of being individuals
As we get spoon-fed, kept in check by the latest trends
Are we that shallow? Is getting your groove on all that matters?
I'm not asking you to bleed, but show consideration please

Sit back and let it slip away
We can't seem to hold it together
We can't seem to get it right

(by SICK OF IT ALL)

The Future is NOW!

Technology exists to convert used tires into diesel fuel!! It was mentioned during hurricane rebuilding effort discussions. Did you also know recycling can in fact be quite a profitable business? Why does local government lie to us saying it's a money-losing process? Maybe if they'd stop shovelling public funds to mobsters masquerading as a waste management industry. All I know is everyone's discarded household chemicals and toxic battery acid seems to wind up in warehouses in Elizabeth, NJ. What a stench.

The Cereal Reports Klassix: Ice Cream Cones
Most likely a General Mills product because only they'd have the audacity to trick little kids this way. Available in chocolate & vanilla, it consisted of corn ball ice cream scoops and sharp little dunce cap cones. Needless to say it was less "mouthfuls of mini cones" and more "mouthfuls of carpet tacks". A serving guaranteed skinflaps and blood dripping from the roof of the mouth. The dunce cap shape was to remind a child, "You're an idiot. Stop eating sharp little objects the gov'mint wouldn't allow 5 year olds to PLAY with let alone eat". But the cereal did have cool commercials. A cartoon ice cream man riding a bicycle with an ice cream basket on the handlebars accompanied by a catchy jingle. "My name's Ice Cream Jones (bicycle bell rings), and I'm bringing you my ice cream cones...".

DVD Reviews!

If you're like everyone else, and from my perspective you ARE everyone else, you've avoided movie theaters like the plague. DVDs are the way to go! But do you know which to queue up in Netflix? Randomly selecting new films off the shelf at BlockClassActionLawsuitBuster is like playing Russian roulette; unless you're lucky, you're scrod* (ie. for those prices you could've BOUGHT a good DVD). Fear not. God^©Has^®Wheels_™ Inc.^℠ gots the skinny on recent DVD releases^‡.

Sin City - Based on a graphic novel. This is the initial "screw you consumer, in 2 months time we'll release a special edition DVD" version.
Upside of Anger - Kevin Costner. Skip.
Kung Fu Hustle - Won't stray far from the stylings of previous Stephen Chow films such as "Shaolin Soccer", "From Beijing With Love", & "The God of Cookery". And why should it? Those movies rock! There's a reason he's the Hong Kong King of Slapstick.
Paris Is Burning - An incendiary documentary dealing with gonorrhea and the dipshit rich bitch who spreads it around. Stick with the old U.S. Navy propaganda film "USS VD: Ship of Shame". A classic.
The Cave - Some shit about CGI monsters in a cave... wait, this is still in theaters?! I could've sworn it'd be direct-to-video.
Guess Who - I have no idea.
The Wedding Date - This may or may not deal with Owen Wilson & Vince Vaughn crashing weddings. Or it might have something to do with J-Lo pairing up with a much more talented actor who uses a full name. Quite possibly it's some big, fat, Greek thing. Is Hugh Grant in this?
Because of Winn-Dixie - How come we no longer have stores named Bambergers? Or Gimbals? Is it because of Winn-Dixie? I may have to watch this...
Constantine - Actor extraordinaire Keanu Reeves is back! Whoa! Do you know some Hawaiians call him a 'fake Hawaiian'? Bogus!
To Kill a Mockingbird - If I have to describe this all hope for you is lost.

_{*fun new way to say 'screwed'
^‡I have yet to view any of these}

RIP mpg. Hello Smpm.

My PC's power supply kicked the bucket. T'was a slow march to death peppered by tantrums and an aroma not unlike roasting dates but the small guy served me well for many years. The Hervé Villechaize of my computing Fantasy Island. Unwilling to wait days for a mail-order replacement, I quested at the local 'pooter stores. Because a certain computer superstore has run all brick & mortar competition into the ground it was less 'stores' and more 'variations on the same thing'. 'Tech desk' guy #1 informed me they might have one unit left of what I was looking for but that they probably THREW ALL THOSE SMALL OLD POWER SUPPLIES AWAY!! That was the extent of his usefulness which was actually better than the 'tech guys' at their other locations.

Due to skyrocketing gas costs *ahem*sham, crude oil prices are actually lower than in august when refineries cut its production and were stockpiling it*cough*gas stations are price-gouging*hack hack* each trip out in the car means one less meal I could've bought instead^†. Since I was already out I tried some different chains too, ones even less likely to stock the item. Luckily a clerk informed me of a local independently owned PC shop which actually had what I needed! The owner knew her stuff so I gladly paid the ass-reaming price one incurs when purchasing at mom 'n pop shops. The new unit unfortunately consumes twice the electricity of the old. Boo!! But has an additional output to connect a spare hard drive (which I have). Yay!! Unfortunately the cable is too short to reach. BOO!!!

†We need a new measuring system, one to which Jane or Joe Consumer can relate. One that forces them to realize the severity of this energy crunch. How about 'Swedish meatballs per mile' (Smpm)? Let's say a plate of Ikea Swedish meatballs costs $6 for 8 meatballs. That's about 4.05 meatballs/gallon for regular, 4.31 for plus, & 4.47 for premium (according to AAA's listing of today's national avgs). Thus a tricked out Hummer H2 gobbles 0.41 Smpm. Awfully greedy compared to a Honda Insight which eats like a bird at 0.06 Smpm. I'm sorry this is all in English units (ranting post to follow sometime soon). I would convert things to km, litres, etc. but I don't know the currency conversions and I'm sure petrol prices vary greatly betwixt nations.

I'm serious. I'm crou-tingly

We all need distractions from life's misery, especially recently. One way is via the Borowitz Report a fake news site in the vein of the Onion and the now defunct Space Ghost Daily News. Another is via hobbies. In the past week I've slowly ventured back onto the basketball courts, and for one glorious day I returned to my old high-energy, defensive, shot-popping, rebounding ways. Yesterday however was not that day.

The level of brutality on the court was ridiculous and I of no health insurance found that venturing into the paint and leaving my feet were two risks I became unwilling to take. This, I'm sure, was much to the chagrin of my friend who was forced to do a lot more of the heavy lifting. Playing in trepidation is no way to play, however sustaining a broken ankle and just having to "live with it" is probably no way to live and I was unwilling to test this supposition. Anyway I'm already nursing a bad collarbone, knee, and wrists right now and the charlie horses, bruised sternum, jammed fingers, stomped toes, knee to the ass, porkchop to the chin, and nutshots ought to account for something...

In honor of the NBA's fast approaching season, some recent favorite memories:
Shawn Marion wins jumpball, sprints toward wrong basket to dunk, and is mid-flight before realizing his error.
Yao Ming schooling Shaq. Yao Ming pulling the old Olajuwon Dream Shake.
NBA jokers like doing stoopit posturing after nasty dunks or blocks. A common move is the "finger to the lips to hush the opposing crowd". Ricky Davis did it to his own home fans! These idiots really should think for a second sometimes. Are you listening Kobe 'rapist' Bryant??!! (his rape was definitely NOT one of my favorite plays).

booty

I take comfort knowing I have enlightened so many to the impropriety of ass-end toweling.

Something else that comforts me is knowing in times of crises there'll always be looters. No matter the scale of tragedy nor the degree of difficulty to reach merchandise, expect a bunch of ratty lookin' folk to despoil shops and steal armfuls of toilet plungers & size 40 dresses. Why, centuries ago during the plague groups of serfs probably ransacked local shanties to make off with bountiful supplies of cow dung & maggoty bread! I sneakingly suspect these folks don't actually need a crisis at all to get 'looty'. Try loitering with them one sunday afternoon and suddenly ask if they'd rather go for a stroll in the park, get a Carvel ice cream cone, or go plunder the local dollar store. My money's on option 3. Luckily during this hurricane those huge stolen dresses will fit nicely their bloated dead bodies as they float down main street.

Glomgold's Guide to Livin' Easy - Part I

The staff here at GodHasWheels, LLC. (god & me, his voicebox) has been pondering ways to reward its loyal readers. After very little thought it was decided a compilation of tips designed to simplify daily living would be best, seeing as it costs me nary a cent. Plus everyone loves lists, except for those that hate 'em. Indifferent folk don't count. Feel free to share these pointers with friends and family.

1. Only buy a towel if it has a tag. This way, when drying yourself after bathing, you immediately know which end is for your ass and which for your face (NOT THE SAME END). Believe me, I've had tagless towels and after wracking my brain I was forced to dry my face with the middle.


2. Remember that Coca-Cola, not love, is the key to all happiness. Skeptical? Turn on the TV.


3. A promise kept will almost always be reciprocated. Unless it was your 763 lb. neighbor Rocco's promise to "make your brown-eye black & blue". Stay away Rocco!! I have mace!!!


4. If you work with a Muslim take credit for all of his work. The world hates Muslims! If he's an Arab you can probably steal his wallet too.


5. Should your spouse say to you, "go pick up some milk from the store, I would do it but I'm too busy having sex", if you're not the one being sexed don't get the milk. Get a bat.


6. Another drink will most certainly make the pain of life go away forever. Bottoms up.


7. Women and children first? That's what the Nazis said! Men, on a sinking ship give the kid a lollipop and steal his life preserver. Ladies, watch out for crazed men bearing lollipops. You've just hit an iceberg for pete's sake, no time for Dum Dums. Not even the cream soda ones.


8. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But it if does kill you, you're not stronger. You're dead.


9. Gimli said "Never trust an elf!" and he was right. One christmas do you know what I got in my stocking? A fucking CHARLIE-in-the-box!!


10. Lose the pornstache.


11. Wash darks and whites separately; darks in cold wash and whites in hot. But use cold rinse for both because it'll save energy. Hydrogen peroxide is great for fresh blood stains but does nothing for the stray body parts of your dismembered human victims.

Hope these help. Cheers!

I killed!!

Back on the ball, thanks for the kind words folks and spammerbots. Mentally and emotionally I'd readied myself for a job with a company I was actually excited about! (no, not a cereal company) I shit you not when I say I KILLED on the technical interview. KILLED. Maybe my would-be peer felt threatened, maybe companies are now in the business of "not hurting feelings". I don't care for the ol' "you're overqualified" bit. Thanks ultramega-globocorps for your concern but I'd rather that were for me to decide. I can coast like a union worker if needs be. I don't even need an old incompetent fellow with seniority to tell me! Actually companies should be thanking me for not taking the torch to 'em.

Regardless, I've had to restore equilibrium and regather momentum (damn you Newton!) and thus blogging's been minimal. Plus my wrists have been killing me (almost literally) for awhile now having recently caused a near 'face-smashing with cast iron dumbells' incident. This was capped nicely by some subtle racism at the dumb Motor Vehicles. I really had planned on smiling for the new digital license. Well, at least if I ever go postal and am on the lam this new license photo will look tops plastered on the evening news. Ok, no more bitching and moaning today because that mood just doesn't lend itself well to cold cereal and 80's hair metal. Excelsior!

(Oh, and there will be a leap second at the end of this year unless the Bush folks have their way. They want an 80 year delay and a leap minute instead).

"It's been a long time

I shouldn't have left you
without a strong rhyme to step to
think of how many weak shows you slept through
time's up, I'm sorry I kept you"

I've nothing to say cuz I'm bummed. I may bore you with the details another day.
In the meantime, check out one of my favorite comic strips, Tom the Dancing Bug. A shame it's not carried in my local paper. There's an old one, maybe still in the archives, making fun of George Lucas' chinbeard. If I ever find it I'll link it. Be sure to browse the archives, many more that are very funny.

someone made a store just for meee...

Cereal Review:
Recent surveys indicate US consumers not only are willing to try generic brands but often even prefer their taste over national brands. In the spirit of cheap alternatives and/or conformity I sampled a box of Master Choice Woodland Berries Granola cereal (WBG for short), part of supermarket chain A&P's premium product line.

A&P's owned by The Great Atlantic & Pacific Tea Company. They also own many other chains such as Walbaum's and Food Emporium, which has possibly the CATCHIEST jingle known to Man (close rival: Mt. Airy Lodge). If you've never heard it before you're either to be pitied or envied, not sure which. Actually A&P, or at least A&P Canada, was recently purchased by some shadowy conglomerate named Metro Inc. for 100 bajeeellion dollars (US). It probably is also in the process of buying Swaziland, Uranus (ha ha), and star systems Aldebaran, Spica, & Omicron-1 CMa though not if Starbucks has their say first.

"Son, do you see that star cluster yon? That is Ursa Venti, the Great Bear. And there is Orion the Dark Roasted Blend".

If you are confused by all this capitalist intrigue it is because I cannot properly relay this information when I don't fully understand global & corporate politics. Plus I'm making some of this shit up. For deeper analysis of this subject matter read this post by Rainypete. Now let's revisit something we are familiar with, yes?

WBG is an all-natural, preservative free product of Canada. It consists of very fatty honey & brown sugar granola clusters and dried raspberries & blueberries. If you're a fan of truly sour fruit then boy-o is this your cereal! I'm certain this was some master plan by Canada to foist their leftover sour berries onto unsuspecting USAers. Drat you Canadians and your quirky sense of humor. I've been had! Well, there's nothing a few well-placed spoonfuls of unhealthy white refined sugar can't cure and by the time I'm done shovellin' it's like eating a bowl of Sour Patch Kids. Type 2 Diabetes here I come!! To artificially inflate the supersour WBG's volume one can also buy a box of generic corn flakes (which definitely tastes no different than name brand corn flakes) and mix it in. I'm not sure why you'd want to prolong this experience though unless you're a glutton for punishment. Luckily I am!

I bless the rains down in africa

Came across this in the online dictionary:
in toto (adv.) = in total. One uses this when trying to trick ladies into thinking one's Jeff Porcaro. Ex.>Hey baby. For me, in toto, my favorite song's 'Africa'. Horny? Let's go for a roll in the hay.

Seinfeld Snippets
JERRY: So, Ceausescu. He must've been some dictator.
KATYA: Oh yes. He was not shy about dictating.
JERRY: He, uh, he must've been dictating first thing in the morning. "I want a
cup of coffee and a MUFFIN!!"

Cereal Review: Life
Quaker's Life cereal in Honey Graham, Cinnamon, & regular flavors. Chex-like in texture and shape. They look like they should taste better than they do. In the 60's Milton Bradley created The Game of Life^†. On the cover was Art Linkletter (of Kids Say the Darndest Things fame) stating he, "heartily endorsed this game". I do not feel Mr. Linkletter would heartily endorse this cereal, but it's not bad.
†_{don't buy the auto insurance; it's a scam!}

Blogs I've finally gotten around to adding:
Fellow cereal-head Cereal Jones at The Cereal World.
Also hear Allison at Lake Allison expound on rabies, the plague, & other assorted goodies.

Scopes Monkey Trial, out the window!

UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE the number of radio callers advocating teaching "intelligent design" ie. "creationism lite (CL)" in schools. It's not like I live in some backwoods shack here and even if I did Abe Lincoln turned out ok. If nothing else, this administration has succeeded in bringing out religious nutjobs around the globe. And perverting language.

There's all this talk about evolution and CL being alternate 'theories'. How about this: evolution as 'scientific law' and CL as 'random guess'. If time were available I'd say debate the two. Scientific method insists one try to disprove a hypothesis, then theory, and if unable to THEN it becomes law. This was taught in middle school science; perhaps since my days it's been replaced with: "the world is 6,000 years old. Fossils are a lie manufactured by Toys R Us". I don't know. Anyway, for sane people evolution would withstand the CL barrage. An added benefit? These debates would flush out who are the crazies to avoid in the hallways for the rest of the year.

The problem is there's no time during the truncated "American" school year to even teach the current curriculum. And they want to add in this neo-con horseshit? "Screw Shakespeare. Let's discuss how all of humanity is inbred from those 2 original-sinners" (Man is made in god's image? Does that mean god is inbred?! Actually mutations probably can't exist in CL). No thank you. It's not as if the U.S. leads the world in education. If this were the Vespuccian school system I'd say divide up summer vacation and keep the kids in school year-round. This will make their transition to the real-world adult monotony easier to bear. I mean, if you've never eaten a real bagel then Bruegger's won't seem so bad.
I hear Bush's next plan is to force Bruce Springsteen to rename his old song to "Born Again In the USA".

Goodness you're a sight! Quite "punch-in-the-face" worthy.

When I was younger I held the opinion that most people were relatively decent-looking and only a small percentage could truly be categorized as "butt-ugly". Oh how a decade can change things! I have noticed an alarming skew of the 'human beauty curve' towards the hideous. Empirical data has not determined whether this is due more to a personal opinion shift or an overall population trend.

"The study's conclusions should surprise no one", huffed the team of Dr. Jolie & Dr. Pitt. "For as long as we can recall, dark-tinted glasses have been a necessity when facing the repulsive general populace in their natural habitat."
Others question the research's validity. "I strongly feel that too many factors were omitted when calculating the results", stated Wormsworth the Snaggletoothed, director of the New Order Society of Oleaginous Asymetrical Persons (NO SOAP). "Overriding researcher bias levels undermine other important traits that must also be considered. Level eyes are overrated; I mean, how about personality?"

One day my blog will be scratch 'n sniff. Won't that be joyous? It'll coincide with my anticipated "public toilet reviews". Speaking of which I watched a History Channel show about space toilets (check out the video!) Crazy technologies involved and this doesn't even mention the future space station commodes that'll use teflon lined bags that are permeable to air but not solids nor liquids!

Cereal Review: Puffins (please clear your mind of the aforementioned section)
Barbara's Bakery Puffins cereal. Higher fiber, cinnamon flavored corn puffs (clever!). Tasty & wheat free for all you with "adverse reactions involving immunoglobulin E (IgE) antibodies to one or more protein fractions of wheat, including albumin, globulin, gliadin and glutenin (gluten)". That's gotta really suck; I've noticed they sneak wheat into everything. Anyway, buy this cereal because the company donates money towards endangered puffin populations. For those who need a refresher course, those are the clown-faced, flying penguiny looking birds. This fellow is an extremely rare puffin breed whose entire lower body has evolved to camouflage itself as an elderly white European lady! Unfathomable! I don't know how he flies.

dick

This past friday saw the U.S. vice president pay a visit to the state of New Jersey. Greeted by a tepid response to his introduction, Dick-TX147 attempted his favorite joke to loosen up the crowd. He adhered a caterpillar mustache to his upper lip, curled one side of his bionic mouth into his trademark sneersmile, and gave the 'heil hitler' salute. To his uncalculated dismay this only resulted in continued ennui by the indifferent general public.

"I am in what you humans would call good spirits", the half-man half-android snarled. "My (former) organization, Halliburton, has received over $10 billion of no-bid government contracts in the Middle East, and reports indicate robberies and assaults on Mexican & Salvadoran immigrants are at an all-time high in your state." "Violence is good. I use it, rather than food, for fuel", he/it continued. "The federal goverment's power and size are at all-time highs and your pathetic civil liberties are on the decline. Resistance is futile."

When these comments were met with further lethargy by the gathered crowd, Cheneybot's cybernetic eye flashed a bright red.
"Your refusal to respond does not compute; it brings my mandrill blood/WD-40 plasma suspension to a boil in my carbon-fiber reinforced veins," the mechanical man threatened in a monotone. "Perhaps time spent in a detention center with electrodes attached to your genitalia while being stacked in pyramids of naked humanity will teach you." The humanoid's guards then proceeded to corral all those who did not chant, "USA. USA." and display their magnetic yellow ribbon ID badges.

my world torn asunder

I've just recently learned that what I've always thought to be a cantaloupe is, in fact, a muskmelon!!! I am shaken to my very foundation.

Surely you've all noticed just how awful the food in Olive Garden commercials looks? C'mon! Even Domino's Pizza can make their shit look tasty in ads! And Olive Garden tries so hard to prove they're really Italian. Every TV commercial follows the same format. Some guy talking about his huge family: "When my REAL ITALIAN uncle Giancarlo comes to visit from ITALY, he always wants to eat REAL ITALIAN food. So we come to the Olive Garden where soup and breadsticks are free. Giancarlo loves their shrimp scampi chef boyardee fried chicken platter (insert picture of nauseating food). It tastes just like what his nana used to make in the Old Country." Or some such nonsense. Yucko.

His brains was like whoa

I've heard tell of an American who went to China to teach English classes. Upon his arrival he was shown to his living quarters, given packages of instant noodles, and left alone. Now seeing as how this gentleman spoke no Chinese and was, apparently, incredibly dumb, he knew not what to do with this food and proceeded to starve for 3-4 days until someone sorted him out. I have a sneaking suspicion the breadth of his students' knowledge of English spans no farther than 'Duuude!' to 'Whoa!'.

Hot Cereal Review: Quaker Oatmeal Supreme (special request!)
Violet, pregnantly ensconced in the upside-down wintry depths of New Zealand, requested some porridge-y reviews (as did some anonymous Scot). The weather here these days has transmuted from 'humid' to 'sweat stew' and I've therefore tried to avoid hot cereals. But I'm a trooper and will plumb the memory banks for my thoughts regarding Quaker Oatmeal Supreme. You know, if Quakerism involved shaking and shimmying due to one's love of cereal I'd sign up. And I think it might be entertaining if they made a Quaker Oatmeal X-treme line by adding in Mexican jumping beans, but I digress. This newer product is the ol' cereal lovin' religious nut-job brand's attempt at cracking into the lucrative "more wholesome, healthful, & pricy" breakfast market. I sampled the Apple-Raisin variety and speaking of nuts it was indeed more hearty, nutty, & yes, pricy. It's still made from rolled oats but the texture is more substantial. Much better than the average and I'd certainly be willing to try the other types come cold-weather morns.

Interesting note: Boiled water preparation is strictly verboten! Perhaps mandated by god? Use a microwave or "the spirit of Christ within" might just be an upset stomach. Well not really, but they warn it will be underdone.

TIME IS RUNNING OUT!!!

Tired of old or poor people living in small homes situated on prime real estate? Still trying to cram a 1 acre McMansion onto a 1/2 acre parcel of land? Then it's time you got with America's newest craze: Eminent Domain! Yes folks, if you have gobs of capital and no one to lord it over, you need eminent domain. Start by having local government declare a tract of land as "blighted". Next, claim it for "public use". Finally, slap down a parking lot, Sam's Club, or other institution that society simply cannot live without and watch the money come rolling in!
It's just that easy!!

What's that? You thought property had to be "dilapidated, deteriorated, or diseased" to be defined as "blighted"? Not so! Throw that dictionary away!! "Underutilized" lands also qualify! Let's say a 90 year old widow lives in a cottage by the shore that is only valued at $250,000. If you're a politically contributing billionaire developer, that nonagenarian is cockblocking your opportunity to build a $2 million townhouse on the same lot! Outrageous!! Tell the local government about your plight. Threaten them with cessation of future campaign contributions. In two shakes of a lamb's tail those politicians will have reclaimed granny's blighted bungalow for the "public's common good" (wink wink).

And don't fret about possible legal recourse. Check out the Supreme Court's Kelo decision! Listen, this is America, home of freedom. And what's more free than seizing other people's property and turning huge profits on them? If you've got money, considerably more than those around you, then eminent domain is for you! Act now!! Minimum-wage earning operators are standing by (aghast).

Fundamentalist lunatics

Best of luck to Londoners & England as they collect themselves; hopefully the casualties and damage is much less than anticipated. Sadly, in the state the world is in, such attacks probably cannot be averted with security measures, espionage, "Patriot Acts" and so on and so forth. There is plenty of blame to go around as to why things are the way they are but the immediate lion's share goes to radical nutjobs, which always seems the case throughout history. In time this form of extremism will die down, likely to be replaced by another, but I hope one day people will learn to peacefully coexist, not only with themselves but with the universe. More likely people will blow each other to kingdom come which, frankly, might be just as well.

Cotton is the new cotton/poly blend

Where's a good, cheap 50-50 cotton/poly blend t-shirt when I need one?

The Sudoku results have been tallied. 1 vote apiece says it's super, it sucks, & I suck. 2 people want their $2. The conclusion, therefore, is that I suck since that answer was submitted via the poll's email function and I don't have $4 to give away. I'm sure the Sudoku powers-that-be will be keen on learning of these results.

Cereal Review: Quaker's Honey Graham Oh's
Just a delectable cereal. In the past a blue-boxed Honey & Nut variety was available as well, but it was inferior and Quaker did the right thing by scrapping it. Oh's are crunchy corn rings filled with honey-grahamy, oat/nut/granola clusters. Honestly, I don't know if the outside is corn, nor do I care since the centers are what bring home the bacon. Speaking of bacon I recently learned that Reddi-Wip^© once offered something called Reddi-Bacon^{failed ©}. It was some toaster-enabled bacon product which, due to design malfunctions, tended to ignite consumers' toasters on fire with grease drippings.
"Honey Graham Oh's: tasty and we won't burn your house down"™.

Sudoku

There's been plenty o' hubbub about this Sudoku game. They say it'll "supplant crossword puzzles in the popularity charts of the newspaper reader-base". That was obviously paraphrased since it read like either a businessman's email (FYI:) or a high school essay scribbled in homeroom, but you get the gist of it. Anyway, for those unaware, it's a puzzle game consisting of a 3x3 grid wherein each box is another 3x3 grid (9x9 total). 1 through 9's are randomly scattered throughout and the puzzlee cannot replicate the same number per grid, row, nor column. The instructions boldly state it's NOT A MATH PUZZLE because knowing math is akin to having leprosy in modern day society. Any who have fiddled with this puzzle might have noticed that after a few times the novelty wears off. The same systematic approach can be used every time and never fails. It's sort of a sophisticated older brother to Tic Tac Toe (remember that gameshow Tic Tac Dough? That was sort of neat I guess. Or really stupid. I don't remember). I believe the game's got no legs. The press tells me it's "Zowie!". So is it actually winning fans the world over as claimed? Or has another marketing hypester been trying to rube the unsuspecting?

Make Your Thoughts Known!

Sudoku's Super!

Sudoku Sucks!!

You Suck!!!

I Want My $2!!

Note: It's doubtful this poll does anything. I'm still learning that part of it. But be a dear and try emailing me your selection anyway. Gracias.

Hello god? It's me, margaret. Wait! That's not right.

Last night I came face to face with god. Well, face to wheel would be more accurate. His tires had an aqua-channel tread which surprised me. I surmised he'd prefer all-terrain ones until I then wisened up. It's all for effect. My being eye level with the bottom of his wheel was for effect as well. He could've shrunk down to human size if he so chose. I was suspicious. "I really don't believe in you so how can you still be here?", I queried. (trip him up with some sound philosophy). His reply startled me not so much for the content, which was run of the mill George Burns and quickly forgotten, but for the delivery of said content. It was not spoken in clear, booming diction but in a nasally whine with sibilant S's. I was expecting Empire Strikes Back James Earl Jones and instead got that "Inconceivable!!" guy from Princess Bride.

Undaunted I asked him my most nagging questions.

"Meaning of life? Chop chop.
What's with this perpetuation of species crap? Humanity? C'mon, gimme something better.
What's it like in the presence of a black hole?
Why can't they release definitive versions of DVDs and then just leave 'em alone?
I'm going to hell aren't I?
Can you juggle cats?"

God exclaimed, "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. Could you repeat that?"
I told him, "You sure as hell heard me the first time. You're god isn't ya?"
His reply came, "You really wanna know? Go hang out with OJ Simpson. That guy is a real black 'hole."
Was god being facetious? Serious? Mysterious? Holy poop! Maybe he really is just a big white racist! I can imagine nothing worse in this world than the KKK actually being right about something. I told the big fellow, "I'm not sure that was appropriate." he shot back, "Get a job you bum" (bitchy!) and zoomed off. I tried chasing after him on foot but you know damn well I couldn't catch him. He spouted some other gibberish but the combined speed, lisp, and doppler effect transformed the sound of his voice into an ambulance with leaky tires.

I wish I'd only dreamt it but I remember my dream. It had a lot to do with my friend seeking me out to ask about work in my office/shack next door to a dumpy Chinese restaurant. It had nothing to do with god. Yup, distinctly no god involved.

Fuck. So many questions left unanswered and now I'll never know. Did he purposely choose that voice? Can he REALLY juggle cats?? Steve Martin can. I pray they have "The Jerk" on DVD in hell, and I don't mean that "Standard Edition" crap...

I've worked too hard in my life avoiding hard work to have to work hard now dammit!

Wanted to see the humongous moonrise tonight, so of course it thunderstormed like crazy. I love thunderstorms but not when they overlap cool astronomical activity like the above-stated, or meteor showers (which always seems to be the case).

Caught a new Life of Agony song on tv. Awful!! And the lead singer looked kinda like that "Balls to the Wall" guy. Ugly.
Nothing else to write today so I'll link some music videos. Note: Some of these are fairly large, be aware. And if you're using dial-up, well that's just suicide.

Darkane's Innocence Gone. Pay attention to the switch the drummer throws in during the outro. Just fucking great!

Blood Burden by Crisis. From "Like Sheep Led to Slaughter". Karyn Crisis rocks.

Otep's Warhead. Overtly political but whether you agree with her or not the video is pretty cool. I'm just a fan of women tearing it up. Diversity is always good.

New Clutch Tripping the Alarm. Sounds like their "Jam Room" stuff. I'm undecided, but at least there's a song named after the Pulaski Skyway on the album! Some cops recently hassled me on that road. COPS!! (fist raised)

Elfonía's Aura. A cool Mexican band. I recommend you order their CD.

Orphaned Land's Norra el Norra. An Israeli band. They have an interesting Middle Eastern meets prog metal sound. Kind of hit or miss.

Hope you like.

handlebar mustache

The next blog>> button should be renamed the wild stripper picture of the day>> button. Tell it like it is, Blogger.

Seeing others track search-terms that brought curious passersby to their sites, I got to wondering what might lead strangers to mine. Alas, after some ruminating I fear I've isolated the topics I mention most. And so, in no particular order, I present: Godhaswheels: your cyber-source for 80's hair metal, cold cereal, & George W. Bush. So there you have it. Boy-o that sucks! Of course, this is a moot point since strangers don't come by. I suspect if I were to mention handlebar mustache a few more times that might change. A lotta freaks out there!

Do the robot

This site is concerned that recent entries have dealt with topics of an overly grave and serious nature. Today we (me) here at GodHasWheels have opted (this is all grammatically fucked up now) for a more thoughtful post.

Man vs. Machine
I believe as machines progress along their asymptotic path towards perfection, some day they will vie for planetary control as a dominant species, though not in our lifetimes. I do not assume they will inevitably supplant us shaved apes; there is a certain unpredictability involved when considering flawed mechanisms built by a flawed species. Machines are still relatively stupid even compared to your bucktoothed hillbilly cousin who is just 'stupid relative' though their "evolution", sorry, "intelligent design-ery" erf is much more rapid than Jeb's. Currently their memory / storage capacity far surpasses humans' and they perform specific tasks at rates people can never match. Plus, as more of this work is offloaded, human efficacy continues to diminish (think mental arithmetic pre- and post- calculator in school). In other words, people are gettin' fat & lazy "Hello Nero. Hello Qing dynasty. No need to get up".
However, humankind can always be counted upon for 4 things:
-curiosity
-idiocy
-resiliency
-greed
That 3rd attribute is key, for humanity is not unlike a viral infection; eradication is extremely difficult. How will it all end? I really don't give a shit but I doubt it will be quite as rosy as a Will Smith movie finale. Thoughts?

triple ex- floats

Exercise extreme caution experimenting with ice cream sodas and floats otherwise you run the risk of concocting an abomination. Just a few examples not to try are: cherry coke with strawberry glace*, Surge with anything, ginger ale with anything save possibly cinnamon glace, apple or cranberry soda with chocolate glace (which does go well with regular cola, as does coffee glace), the list goes on and on. Hey, it's a gamble unlike picking this year's NBA champs which I could've told you last july. Spurs. duh.
*ice cream. (saved typing)

Cereal Review: Post Cocoa Pebbles
By now most everyone knows my infatuation with cereal. However like any interpersonal love affair the possibility exists that feelings may waiver over time. Devotion might falter due to perfidy, malaise may set in. Sadly, my once torrid relationship with Cocoa Pebbles appears to be on the rocks^†. Sure, I still vocally express my commitment but deep inside it does not feel the way it once did. Perhaps my interests have shifted as I've aged, my tastes growing more sophisticated; perhaps it was just time to move on. And yet perhaps it was due to a box I'd recently purchased that tasted stale. Whatever the reason, I feel time apart may do us well. It's not you Cocoa Pebbles; it's me. I hope one day we might rekindle the passion we once had. Regardless I will always keep a place within my heart just for you.

(picture Cocoa Pebbles, alone & dimly lit, belting out Linda Ronstadt)
"to yooouuu, my heart cries out perfidia
for I find you the love of my life, in somebody else's arms
your eyes, are echoing perfidia
forgetful of the promise of love, you're sharing another's charms..."
^†har har!

I've been so blog-neglectful

Alas. I've been busy jobhunting and it sucks a big, hard nut. Perhaps a cashew, you perv.

In the entire history of those 'celebrity house tour' shows has there ever been a case, when the camera crew entered the bedroom, where the celebrity forgot to say, "this is where the magic happens"? Just once I'd like to see the home owner then lean forward and pull a nickel out from behind the cameraman's ear. And not just any nickel, one of those 1913 Liberty head nickels cuz they're rare so I'd know it was truly magic. Alternately the famed one could pull out a silk top hat and cape and saw someone in half on the condition that it wasn't magic and the person couldn't be put back together. Just do something different, please. The mundane begets violence afterall.

And I am still adding others' blogs into my sidebar. Apologies to Cbear, Kevin, and Sumo for only now getting around to it.

Baloo

Mr. John Goodman, no matter how many fake Baloo characters you voice, no matter how hard you try, you are not the 2nd coming of Phil Harris. Please accept it and move on.

Fake Fakt Friday:
If you are like the millions of other USA'ers you have probably wondered aloud on many occasion, "whatever happened to the brand Wilkinson Sword?" Fear not! The entire staff here at GodHasWheels (me) has been working feverishly to bring you an answer! During the mid-80's, at the height of the disposable razor war, Wilkinson Sword's marketing department made a critical tactical error that would ultimately lead to the company's demise. Gillette, their major competitor, released the first double-bladed disposable razor in 1986, a product dubbed 'Atra Divine Double', ADD for short. Wilkinson Sword was just finishing development of their own double-bladed disposable as well. Feeling pressure to rush their product to market, and looking to present themselves as an edgier brand than Gillette, they opted to name their new razor the 'Pubecutter Ultra'. It's arrival on store shelves sent consumers scurrying away in droves. Though they quickly yanked the product, the damage had been done and the company was never able to earn back consumers' trust. Honestly! Would I make this stuff up?
(yes)

advertising obfuscation crap

The Yoplait yogurt ads confuse me. When women on the TV* say their yogurt is "soap opera good" or "day at the spa good" I have no idea what that means. Soap opera characters always die, come back to life, and cheat on their wives or something right? And what goes on at a spa? Pubic-hair waxing? These don't inspire yogurty thoughts in my mind. I need them to sell it to me in no uncertain terms. "Yoplait is stab your cellmate with a shiv for stealing your underwear good". Then I'll know what they're talking about. Well no, I won't actually. But I could imagine! "Mmm. Underwear." Wait!! I meant, "Mmm. Stabbing."
_{*old people always call it 'the TV' rather than 'TV' right?}

I also noticed supermarkets selling a new variety of Friendly's^® ice cream. I think it's dubbed Extreme but it might possibly be Xtreme. Regardless, I was trying to comprehend what made this particular ice cream so wild. First, there's a cartoon skater on the carton. Radical! Second, and probably most important, they spell cookie "kookie". That's extreme!!!

The latest Hummer the TV commercial shows an empty, metered, parking spot and a Hummer that actually parallel parks and fits into the very same spot! Wow!! I hear rumors Lenscrafters will soon begin a new ad campaign marketing eyeglasses that actually CORRECT YOUR VISION! No joke!

And lastly:

This is very honest/deceitful of the marketers depending on your viewpoint. But why stop there? How about ads like: "Big Mac. The world's tastiest** hamburger."
Or: "Saturn Vue. One helluva^† car". The possibilities are endless^§!
_{**not on your life
†wrong, wrong, wrong
§the possibilities are NOT endless}

"In the yeeeaar two thouuusand (and ten)"...

Before the decade's out I predict:

1. The Catholic Church will release a line of women's underwear brand-named "Ooooo, Miles Standish!"


2. I will trade in my Nissan for one of those George Jetson flying suitcase jobbers.


3. Paula Abdul songs will be back in vogue.


4. Scientists will learn the moon really IS made of cheese. But it's not green. It's Lindberger. Peeyoo! (sp?)


5. Schwarzenegger's next catchphrase will be "Dadgum, Elvis wasn't kidding".


6. Christopher Reeve will walk again!


7. In a surprise upset Motley Crue will win the Nobel Peace Prize. "(Jimmy Carter) don't go away mad, just go away".


8. Iraqis will create a weeklong Muslim holiday dedicated to G.W. Bush, praising him for plunging their country into civil war. It will be celebrated with Carvel Cookiepuss ice cream cakes and by playing kick the can. What a great game! Nothing sez democracy like hiding, then running around and kicking a can.


9. Sears Roebuck's BC5000 (Baby Cloner Five Thousand) will be the top Christmas gift 3 years running!


10. Cats will only have three legs. Bank on it.

Some of these may be a little far-fetched but when you've got the vision, you've got the vision! "Blowing kisses in the wind, waiting waiting waiting..."

C'mon, tell me, what do you foresee?

Sucker-punching Stevie Wonder

When I sprint up or down stairs I have an inherent fear I will slip and fall face first into the metal armrails, impaling my eyeball. I've envisioned it many times and it makes me queasy just writing about it. True, I can be a bit of a klutz, though I don't think nearly to that extent. So why does this thought occupy my brain? I suspect I must have an underlying fear of blindness. Which would also explain why I'm always cold-cocking those visually-impaired gents with the seeing eye dogs. Court hearing is tomorrow. Time to practice my "but your honor, he was giving me dirty looks" look. It's tough cuz I can't get the puppy dog eyes. Curse these narrow Asian lids!

Special Shoutout: R.I.P. Frank Gorshin, the Riddler from the 60's Batman TV series.

Cereal Review: Trader Joe's Maple Pecan Clusters (I know you've missed these. I'll get back up to snuff once things quiet down for me).
If you've a Trader Joe's grocery store near you I urge you to patronize it. That is, give it your business, not talk down to the building. They sell good stuff for good prices and without any member card/gov't is tracking your every move crap. Amongst this assorted goodness is their cereals. I will focus on their Maple Pecan Clusters today. Various corn and oat flakes mixed with chunks of honey/maple clusters and pecans. The name is quite self-explanatory. Good price, great taste! I sound like a pitchman do I not? I'm available for hire. Are you listening Trader Joe's?!

Seventeen

No time today so I'll just post lyrics from a Winger song. hahaha! Gross...

Yeahh I saw sparks fly, from the corner of my eye
And when I turned, it was love at first sight
I said please excuse me, I didn't catch your name
Ohhhhh it'd be a shame not to see you again
And just when I thought she was comin' to my door
She whispered sweet and brought me to the floor, she said
I'm only seventeen, but I'll show you love like you've never seen
She's only seventeen, daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me
Come to my place, we can talk it over, ohhhhh everything going down in your head
She said take it easy, I need some time, time to work it out, to make you mine
And just when I thought she was comin' to my door
She whispered sweet and brought me to the floor, she said
I'm only seventeen, you ain't seen love, ain't seen nothing like me
She's only seventeen, seventeen
(Solo)
Yeahh such a bad girl, loves to work me overtime
Feels good (ha), dancin' close to the borderline
She's a magic mountain, she's a leather glove
Oh she's my soul, it must be love
She's only seventeen, still she gives me love, like I've never seen
She's only seventeen, daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me
She's everything I need, daddy says she's too young
But she's old enough, old enough for me

"He doesn't like you. I don't like you either."

With so much recent talk concerning North Korea and Iran possibly possessing nuclear weaponry, George W. Bush was asked at a weekend press conference to provide a status report on the multi-multi-billion dollar Star Wars Strategic Defense Initiative. Bush replied, "I believe everyone's well aware that it'll be ready by May 19th. I've received no news regarding the X-wing fighters but I wouldn't have endorsed the reactivizazate, the reactificatio..., the restartin' of this plan if I wasn't excited about seeing a Death Star soon. That thing's awesome! But for this kinda money there really needs to be more Jar Jar Binks. I love that little fella."

When asked by a puzzled audience whether he might be confusing the SDI program with the impending Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith film release, Bush stood agape for 2 minutes before pulling a replica laser blaster from his side and pretending to fire into the crowd making fake "psheww, psheww" laser noises. He then proceeded to dive into what appeared to be a nearby garbage chute but which was, in actuality, just a dumpster at the neighboring Wawa's convenience mart. Security agents quickly pulled him from the refuse.

A series of unfortunate events

Due to some serious busyness recently I've been unable to post, nor visit all the other lovely blogs, as frequently as I'd like. I've added some blog-links at the bottom of the list and will continue to do so when time permits.

My shoulder pain has spread to my upper back and secret informants tell me either my earlobes or buttocks will be next, depending on which direction the evil forces swerve.

My WindowsME P.O.S. refuses to talk to both my Linux & XP machines. That's like a strung-out, child-molesting hobo turning his nose up at Gandhi & De Niro, respectively (I'm talking latter, "Meet the Fockers" De Niro though, not the early "Raging Bull" one). It's also quite a slap in the face for an IT poseur like myself.

And to complete the shaftage, my browser icon, which I use to quicklink to my blog, has suddenly turned into the FOX network logo! Woe is me...

Mondale '84!

Recently I subjected myself to the beige-sounding, plain-vanilla vocal 'stylings' of a Clay Aiken musical performance courtesy of Disney's Aladdin DVD. If I'm not mistaken he was an American Idol reject who lost to some fat dude that everyone hated. Now, I wouldn't classify Clay's singing as atrocious since he was able to sustain a tune and that automatically puts him a tiny, centipedal step above the likes of Ashlee Simpson (his bone structure is probably more feminine too. He kinda looks like a younger, female (K.D. Lang!). However, the word unremarkable suits him to a T.

I cannot say whether he is considered a pop music 'star' these days for two reasons: I am out of the pop music loop of late and I don't understand what sort of impact the reality TV phenomenon has on the general, music-buying public. What I can assume however, is that the only reason he has any fanbase at all is due to the very fact he IS so generic, thus providing the Wal-Mart sect a brief reprieve from the hoochie-mama/wigger Mickey Mouse Club Alumni pop alternatives. This is a sad state of affairs indeed. Of course, this may be a moot point if American Idol is already off the air and I'm talkin' yesterday's 'news'. Wait! Why didn't anyone tell me Walter Mondale lost the presidential election?!!

Guest Cereal Review: Cream of Wheat
Sara says "it is definitely a lot like wet sand. The similarity in consistency is uncanny." Who am I to argue?

Hair. Failure!

What's the story with ingrown hairs? They should be able to figure out for themselves how to break through skin. During a hair's "life" there is but one necessary accomplishment; protruding through the skin's surface. Everything else is gravy. Get on the ball you guys!

Cereal Review: Kashi Go Lean Crunch
Imagine if you will, Neolithic Man sitting in his cave eating Honey Smacks^© from a crude, stone bowl. Picture him only finishing half of the cereal and leaving the rest to petrify until our modern day. That approximates the Go Lean Crunch experience. It tastes pretty good but you'd better have had your fluoride treatments and daily calcium supplements. Otherwise a bowl of this stuff will leave you looking like a Detroit Red Wings defenseman; ugly and gaptoothed.
Plus, what's with the dumb name?

desperate housewives

I saw desperate housewives the other day and I don't understand all the hubbub. One lady was in a rush to pick up her clothes from the drycleaner before it closed. Another was vocally upset that the sale item fruit juices were out of stock. A third cut in front of me at the bank because she needed to rush her child to piano lessons. Even if she'd accidentally slipped on a banana peel, which might be amusing, it still wouldn't constitute watercooler talk in my opinion.

Fake Fakt Friday (crap I like to make up)
Former US Vice President Spiro Agnew was sent away to a mental institution for 2 years following the Watergate scandal of the 70's Nixon administration. He had suffered a nervous breakdown and was exhibiting symptoms of 'acute frontal lobe dimentia'. On occasion he would role-play and assume an alternate personality. Val Kilmer's character Madmartigan from the movie "Willow" is based on this very personality!

In with a roar, out with a whimper

So I foolishly believed the NJ Nets would win not one but TWO games vs. the Miami Heat. I also reasoned that the team (excepting Krstic & RJ who were outstanding) would NOT play as though auditioning for a Living Dead movie. Silly, I know! (sniff)

Check this out. The 'pregnant women' & 'back-injured' I get. But too fat to clip your own nails? Time to re-evaluate your life maybe. And $79!?! Exploitation!

10 things about me

Care to learn a little about me? Read on! Don't give a hoot? Shove off!

1. I can perform several yoyo tricks; the Smothers Brothers inspired me. The Duncan Butterfly is my favorite yoyo. Screw those transaxle shits, that's cheating.


2. I taught myself to juggle (poorly) standing on the side of the highway using a bunch of rocks. Not very smart for numerous reasons but it worked.


3. I only kill spiders if situations necessitate it. We've got a real 'live and let live' thing going.


4. 'Unsafe' heights exhilarate/scare the bejeezus outta me. 'Unsafe' refers not to scenarios like rollercoasters or airplanes where one is secured, but to things like ferris wheels and tall escalators. Watching suspension-bridge workers on TV makes my stomach churn and chest cave in. A hot air balloon ride would give me either the biggest thrill of my life or a humongous coronary.


5. I haven't ruled out the possibility of mass homicide as a means to secure my legacy. Not that I really consider it but what if one day at the tail end of my life I'm reading the obits and see a bunch of those generic ones that list no personal info, just funeral home directions. I might panic!! Now, if legacies actually interested me I might be disturbed by this. Luckily, I don't rightly care.


6. I don't trust my professional skills enough to have another's life depend on them. One reason I didn't pursue my engineering career upon graduation? A class lecture by a man involved with the space shuttle Challenger's O-rings and its cost/risk analyses scared the crap out of me. I'm not simpatico with managers debating the value of human lives via bar graphs. This mindset seems to contradict my previous one but I've sort of reconciled the two (sort of).


7. I goddamned hate asparagus!


8. It was many a long, un-Mary Poppins-like years, before I learned how to keep a kite in the air. I was quite the Charlie Brown for a decade or two.


9. I love those old Abbott & Costello, Three Stooges type shows.


10. I believe I fractured my wrist trying to do 180°s during my first snowboarding excursion. I never got it examined and it seems ok these days, minus certain aches and crackles. My tailbone barely survived. Next time wristguards and padded-butt pants are a must!

smoking chimpanzee

Trying to change a mother or father's bad habits is not unlike trying to civilize a mountain gorilla. You spend plenty of time teaching him to communicate via gestures and phrases. You start believing you've made progress. But turn your back for a moment and when next you look, he's standing there eating a handful of his own shit and you realize you're basically still at square one. And I haven't the time to even begin discussing the gorilla...

Worst TV commentator in the world

Kevin Harlan probably owns that title. He is the asinine catchphrase NBA play-by-play announcer on the cable channel TNT. When someone ferociously dunks the ball he seems quite proud of this following brain-fart: "Ohhh!! He just sucked the gravity right out of the building!!!" I can't even begin to comprehend what that ejaculation means. Anyone know of others who might challenge for the crown?

Cereal review: Can one go wrong with Rice Krispies? Sadly, yes. But it'd take some effort. So don't be adding kielbasa, peanut butter, & pickles in there.

PAFJIPs

Attention: In accordance with the passage of Bush's new No Child Shall Be Maligned policy, "bullies" may no longer be referred to as such for fear of stigmatizing said individuals. That, in turn, may lead to stunted emotional development which, as reported in the American Journal of Medicine, has been directly linked to cases of "seriously fucked up adults". As of April 20, 2005 "bullies" must now be referred to as "pituitarily advantaged, forceful juvenile influence peddlers (PAFJIPs)". Bush recently held a press conference at a college campus in Fort Worth, TX to announce the passage of this bill. He began by stating, "Children are not bullies. Bullies are terrorists. That means they like to "terrorize" people with stuff like nukular bombs because they hate freedom. They love terror." At that moment he accidentally dropped Tom DeLay off the balcony when he spotted Booger & Lamar carrying a home-built robot towards their dormitory room. He and Ogre began chanting "nerds! nerds! nerds!" between mouthfuls of beer.