The Tale of Wilbur V. Ogilpepper (Heaven Shall Wait)

Wilbur V. Ogilpepper was born in a hardscrabble community on the outskirts of the old industrial city. His mother, a local prostitute, skipped town moments after she popped him out. His father was an ogre dressed in men's clothing whose left hand tightly gripped a whiskey bottle while his right did the same around his son's neck. During Wilbur's early years of school the other children dubbed him "ring around the collar". This was due equal parts to his single filthy shirt and the constant purple bruises circumnavigating his gullet. When his father died one night in a drunken headbutting contest with the neighbor's oxen, Wilbur was collected by a state official and deposited into an orphanage. After a rough several years' stay he was presented with an opportunity to join a well-to-do family that resided in the rich district of the city. They desired a dark-haired son and he was the only available boy who fit that description. However, Wilbur rejected their offer citing his dislike of the man's top hat. So instead he stayed on at the orphanage until he was soon sold to a cruel industrialist and sent to work in the mines.

By now, the dark hues from the scars and contusions circling Wilbur's neck had subsided, but the coal dust he inhaled daily compensated by turning his throat and insides black. The shortness of breath, dizziness, and lungbutter-cough he fostered over the years would plague him 'til the end of his days. One evening Wilbur flew into a rage directed at a co-worker he thought was whistling at him (it was actually the canary). He swung at the man and missed though he connected with the stone wall instead. His fist shattered. His adversary rewarded him by gouging out his left eye. A one-handed, one-eyed cripple had no further business in the mining trade and Wilbur was unceremoniously assisted off the premises by the foreman's boot.

Lacking any real education, Wilbur was forced into the commerce of chamberpot cleaning to earn enough to eat. The sort of food he could afford was hardly distinguishable from the slop he scrubbed every day at work. And yet, through all his difficulties, he met a woman who not only liked him but wished to marry him. She came from a wealthy household who, surprisingly, was willing to embrace Wilbur into their clan. Loralee was kind, sweet, intelligent, and voluptuous. What she saw in the troglodytic Wilbur none other can say yet he spurned her, violently declaring his preference for "skinny harlots". Though Loralee insisted she would lose weight for him (why?), he steadfastly refused and sent her away.

Many more lonely years passed, tons more human waste were cleaned, but the inhalation of so many toxic particulates throughout his life eventually struck Wilbur low with the Consumption. On his deathbed, with no friends or relatives to comfort him, Wilbur was visited by an angel. This angel looked kindly upon him and spoke, "Wilbur, I am an agent of the Almighty. He has taken pity on you. I have been charged with granting a singular request you would make of Him, anything under the stars and Heaven above. What shall it be?" Wilbur thought for a moment then answered, "Well, I have always wished to grow a handlebar mustache". With this utterance the angel disappeared and Wilbur was struck dead by a bolt of lightning. He was immediately sent to the infernal depths for that is where stupid people belong.

The End