Hello god? It's me, margaret. Wait! That's not right.

Last night I came face to face with god. Well, face to wheel would be more accurate. His tires had an aqua-channel tread which surprised me. I surmised he'd prefer all-terrain ones until I then wisened up. It's all for effect. My being eye level with the bottom of his wheel was for effect as well. He could've shrunk down to human size if he so chose. I was suspicious. "I really don't believe in you so how can you still be here?", I queried. (trip him up with some sound philosophy). His reply startled me not so much for the content, which was run of the mill George Burns and quickly forgotten, but for the delivery of said content. It was not spoken in clear, booming diction but in a nasally whine with sibilant S's. I was expecting Empire Strikes Back James Earl Jones and instead got that "Inconceivable!!" guy from Princess Bride.

Undaunted I asked him my most nagging questions.

"Meaning of life? Chop chop.
What's with this perpetuation of species crap? Humanity? C'mon, gimme something better.
What's it like in the presence of a black hole?
Why can't they release definitive versions of DVDs and then just leave 'em alone?
I'm going to hell aren't I?
Can you juggle cats?"

God exclaimed, "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. Could you repeat that?"
I told him, "You sure as hell heard me the first time. You're god isn't ya?"
His reply came, "You really wanna know? Go hang out with OJ Simpson. That guy is a real black 'hole."
Was god being facetious? Serious? Mysterious? Holy poop! Maybe he really is just a big white racist! I can imagine nothing worse in this world than the KKK actually being right about something. I told the big fellow, "I'm not sure that was appropriate." he shot back, "Get a job you bum" (bitchy!) and zoomed off. I tried chasing after him on foot but you know damn well I couldn't catch him. He spouted some other gibberish but the combined speed, lisp, and doppler effect transformed the sound of his voice into an ambulance with leaky tires.

I wish I'd only dreamt it but I remember my dream. It had a lot to do with my friend seeking me out to ask about work in my office/shack next door to a dumpy Chinese restaurant. It had nothing to do with god. Yup, distinctly no god involved.

Fuck. So many questions left unanswered and now I'll never know. Did he purposely choose that voice? Can he REALLY juggle cats?? Steve Martin can. I pray they have "The Jerk" on DVD in hell, and I don't mean that "Standard Edition" crap...