Tired of old or poor people living in small homes situated on prime real estate? Still trying to cram a 1 acre McMansion onto a 1/2 acre parcel of land? Then it's time you got with America's newest craze: Eminent Domain! Yes folks, if you have gobs of capital and no one to lord it over, you need eminent domain. Start by having local government declare a tract of land as "blighted". Next, claim it for "public use". Finally, slap down a parking lot, Sam's Club, or other institution that society simply cannot live without and watch the money come rolling in!
It's just that easy!!
What's that? You thought property had to be "dilapidated, deteriorated, or diseased" to be defined as "blighted"? Not so! Throw that dictionary away!! "Underutilized" lands also qualify! Let's say a 90 year old widow lives in a cottage by the shore that is only valued at $250,000. If you're a politically contributing billionaire developer, that nonagenarian is cockblocking your opportunity to build a $2 million townhouse on the same lot! Outrageous!! Tell the local government about your plight. Threaten them with cessation of future campaign contributions. In two shakes of a lamb's tail those politicians will have reclaimed granny's blighted bungalow for the "public's common good" (wink wink).
And don't fret about possible legal recourse. Check out the Supreme Court's Kelo decision! Listen, this is America, home of freedom. And what's more free than seizing other people's property and turning huge profits on them? If you've got money, considerably more than those around you, then eminent domain is for you! Act now!! Minimum-wage earning operators are standing by (aghast).
Jul 10, 2005
TIME IS RUNNING OUT!!!
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12 comments:
Throw that dictionary away! LOL! I cannot wait for it to happen to me...I won't feel like I'm in the "in" crowd if it doesn't!
One day, when I have billiosn of dollars and begin my bid to control the planet, I will exercise this concept on aWal-mart or two.
Imagine their shock and horror when they recieve a letter telling them they have X number of months to vacate my land before I build my corporate empire on their old head office's grave!!
I could then have the last laugh at the local government when I reclassify the entire enterprise non-profit and petition them for tax breaks so that I may help my fellow man better himself.
eminent domain is about to take out my favorite diner due to the land being "underutilized". Umm, serving slingers at 4 in the morning is leaving the land underutilized? I think not.
sumo- Don't fret, I'm sure your time will come!
blue2go- Why thank you
rainypete- Yes! That non-profit turn will have 'em crapping in their pants out of anger. Do it!!
katie- I don't even know if 'slingers' refer to drinks or drinkers but either way your tale angers me! There won't be much 4am hanging out when they build another freaking realtors.
Oh no this is a specialty dish- and one that can really only be consumed when totally blitzed.
It is eggs, sausage, hashbrowns, and bacon--all covered in chili. Or you can get it covered in gravy, in which case it is the Toby.
Drunks of the city start to develop a need for one at 3am (when the bars close). It's awful in the light of day, but through the misty haze of a few drinks it hits the spot.
Apparently artists underutilize land, as well.
I used to live in this apartment building especially set aside for artists. They were cool if you were a little late on rent, local bands would play in the lobby, there were murals on the wall, it was a chill place to live.
However, it was only 1 block away from lovely Lake Michigan. So a management company bought it out, highered the rent to an amount no artist could afford.. as far as I know now, it's on its way to being condos. *cry*
So thank you for this article. Excellent blogging.
it's scary how often this is abused -- and frequently does the opposite of what it was intended to do....
katie- I'm not drunk but that sounds pretty tasty actually.
allison- Thanks for stopping by. Yeah, they've been fighting for awhile in Brooklyn over the new Nets basketball owner's attempts to tear down artists' apts. and build a billion dollar arena & corporate center. Sucks on many levels.
L & vilefile- What's doubly shady is that in China lots of old neighborhoods are being razed as the gov't "modernizes". American media goes there and is critical of it asking villagers aren't they upset over the loss of old homes, etc. Some are but some are glad for the new buildings & conveniences. Stories of similar goings on in American cities are usually "such and such city is going through a renaissance. More jobs, beautiful condos. blah blah". It kinda reeks of: it's ok for us, but not for others.
And that would make for a gigantic "morbidly obese" kinda t-shirt.
You should be the next governor of Texas.
I just don't understand the problem. Who wants old people or poor people taking up valuable space.
I'm sure the government knows what it's doing. They're the government for goodness sake..
I've now been back to read this four or five times. I think I'm just gonna link to it if that's cool. Thanks for saying it.
Kevin successfully directed me here by claiming something about the Biggest Cock. Although briefly disappointed, the post drew me in immediately.
These fuckers need to get themselves a Sims2 game and get their ya-yas out in fantasyland.
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