Can't stand having a wide selection of Hollywood acting gigs available to you? Maybe you just really want to be asked, "Where are you from?" followed always by "Originally?" every time you step out. Well my friend then you need to be Asian! Here's my guide to help you along. Follow instructions carefully and you'll be fast-tracked to being either A.) openly fetishized or B.) completely overlooked, depending on your gender.
- Look alike.
- Ensure you're the token member in your frat or sorority. Must keep that cachet.
- You gotta swear off that peanut butter & mayo sandwich shit. Seriously.
- If you're Korean, your name's Kim or Lee. If you're Vietnamese, it's Nguyen or Tran. Chinese it's Chen or Li, but if you're Japanese your name's 4 syllables long and ends in a vowel. What's up with that? It sounds cool but that's like 3 syllables away from Indonesian territory!
- Given the differential equation: y" - 2y' + y = sinh x
the general solution is: y = (c1 + c2x)ex + ¼x²xe + (1/8)e-x
Memorize this. - Get a tattoo of a random misspelt word on your arm. Tell people it means "I dearly love my family and friends and wish them all fabulous health, wealth, & a yacht".
- Don't even wait for people to ask before you start in with the chopsocky ka-ra-tay action!
- Never refer to martial arts as 'chopsocky'.
- Include Indians, but only when it suits your needs. (reference: see New Yorkers regarding Long Islanders)
- Make sure your arms & legs are 10% shorter than those of your Black counterpart.
- Squint. A lot. (reference: David Carradine in TV series "Kung Fu")
- Never ever use your dishwasher for anything besides storing dishes.
- If all else fails, throw a black mop on your head like Sean Connery's Bond in "You Only Live Twice" (Nancy Sinatra, I love that theme song!)
13 comments:
The Rules for Asianality. Pretty funny and from a different viewpoint!
heh heh -- too funny
it is pretty prevalent, though, the fetishization of Asian women in general. I knew someone who got so sick of it...
Hehe...those poor Indians, they're kind of out there in no-man's land.
I think the Japanese have it pretty good with their naming scheme. Ogawa, Yamaguchi, Nagashima...with a little bit of studying, anyone can pronounce that. Meanwhile, I swear to god, I have forgotten the correct pronunciation of Nguyen every single time I hear it.
Nguyen = nwin, more or less. But Ng = wu usually. I don't make the rules!
Now that I know the rules....
Peanut butter and MAYO?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!
I would like to be completely fetishized. Is there a C. by any chance..
OR....you could sex up an asian, Thai is my favorite, have a child and live vicarosley through the child. It has worked for me. Except everyone in the midwest who only has a tenth grade education and is in an abusive relationship, not to mention a bi racial one to insure novelty eqaulity also to learn how to properly smoke dope, hold a "nine", role that ass like a 24, assumes my child is mexican because he has squinty eyes and they also have a half mexican child as well as half black, half this half that.
Are you henting at some kind of basic classification we all seem to engadge in when it comes to the asian culture?
I once saw a young asian woman beat the crap out of a guy in a bar for coming up to her with the whole "Full Metal Jacket" Routine.
I think every woman in the bar bought her a drink after that.
haha, holy crap. i play the violin...
Hysterical list Glomgold. My favorite is the random tatoo. Who'd know?
By the way, buy a T-shirt from here for your American Asian wanna-be friends.
http://www.jlist.com/R/SHRT/
There are quite a few asians at my job named "Nguyen" I never knew it was the Vietnamese version of "Smith".
That ka-ra-tay line kills me. But wait a minute...are you saying all Asians don't know kung-fu? That Jackie Chan movie lied to me.
Now that's why the Internet rules. You'd never see that perspective on the latest episode of the O.C.
don't forget the Asisn work ethic and docility!
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