The staff here at GodHasWheels, LLC. (god & me, his voicebox) has been pondering ways to reward its loyal readers. After very little thought it was decided a compilation of tips designed to simplify daily living would be best, seeing as it costs me nary a cent. Plus everyone loves lists, except for those that hate 'em. Indifferent folk don't count. Feel free to share these pointers with friends and family.
- Only buy a towel if it has a tag. This way, when drying yourself after bathing, you immediately know which end is for your ass and which for your face (NOT THE SAME END). Believe me, I've had tagless towels and after wracking my brain I was forced to dry my face with the middle.
- Remember that Coca-Cola, not love, is the key to all happiness. Skeptical? Turn on the TV.
- A promise kept will almost always be reciprocated. Unless it was your 763 lb. neighbor Rocco's promise to "make your brown-eye black & blue". Stay away Rocco!! I have mace!!!
- If you work with a Muslim take credit for all of his work. The world hates Muslims! If he's an Arab you can probably steal his wallet too.
- Should your spouse say to you, "go pick up some milk from the store, I would do it but I'm too busy having sex", if you're not the one being sexed don't get the milk. Get a bat.
- Another drink will most certainly make the pain of life go away forever. Bottoms up.
- Women and children first? That's what the Nazis said! Men, on a sinking ship give the kid a lollipop and steal his life preserver. Ladies, watch out for crazed men bearing lollipops. You've just hit an iceberg for pete's sake, no time for Dum Dums. Not even the cream soda ones.
- What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But it if does kill you, you're not stronger. You're dead.
- Gimli said "Never trust an elf!" and he was right. One christmas do you know what I got in my stocking? A fucking CHARLIE-in-the-box!!
- Lose the pornstache.
- Wash darks and whites separately; darks in cold wash and whites in hot. But use cold rinse for both because it'll save energy. Hydrogen peroxide is great for fresh blood stains but does nothing for the stray body parts of your dismembered human victims.
Hope these help. Cheers!
18 comments:
I feel so much smater I love your list... I never really liked lists before but after reading yours, they are my favorite things ever..
Wow, your lists always take my breath away--with laughing!!
Gee thanks for those tips. My life will be so much easier now...
BTW, I use the middle of my bath towel for my face, and the ends for everything else.
those photos is HAWT!!
Bottoms up has a different feeling for me...not of the liquid kind.
Once the blood's out the fingers and stuff just shake right out of the pockets so that's ok. As for the towel thing, why aren't you just making sure you get clean in the shower and not have to worry abouta towelcovered in ass scrapings!!?? Or use a fresh towel each time and start at the tops, then work your way down.
martini- It's my duty to pass along god's words of wisdom. I'm committed. Or at least, should be.
pbs- And it costs me nothing!
violet- I just find it difficult not starting from one of the ends.
L- Why thank you! That mustache was copied & pasted directly from a photo of Ron Jeremy. I kinda feel violated now that I think about it.
sumo- Sounds kinda private...
rainypete- I'm most definitely a meticulous showerer but the notion of wiping my face with the ass end of a towel is not agreeable. A fresh towel each time? How lavish!!
Oh, swell. I must be a complete slob, because it never dawned on me that there was an ass-end of a towel! Thank you for saving me, Glomgold!
I don't know what to say. This whole thing makes me laugh. And I appreciate the tip about the towel. How embarrassing, my negligence. Those photos are somewhat disturbing; they confuse my senses.
Awwwwwww...I just wanted to see if you were paying attention!
I must say, there is always time for cream soda dum dums. Always.
Glad to see someone else has the "another drink is always good" theory on life. I thought it was just me.
Found you through Frog Princess, nice blog!
LOL. These are great tips. Now if I could only afford to buy a classy towel with a tag..
lol....I had no idea about the towel having different uses for each end. Now I will always view them differently...what kind of woman am I anyway?
I like the pineapple dum dums the best.
I like the mystery dum dums. As long as the dum dum maker didn't dry his hands with the ass-end of the towel before making my dum dum. Dern it, I think that list may have ruined dum dums for me .... mmmm, lollipops ...
You're a limited liability blog?
lol, LLC
Wow! So much wisdom pcked into that list. I feel like I should magnet it to my fridge so I don't forget anything. About this towel business, I must say I was operating under the assumption that I had just cleaned everything anyway... and won't the tag hurt your ass?
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