This just in!!

Last night the PAX network aired the award for the GMA 'Praise and Worship album of the year' and the winner was Offering II. I dunno if that's a band or an album but, woohoo! I didn't stick around to watch the band's thank yous (I'm guessing god was mentioned in there somewhere, just a hunch) cuz it was also Vince Carter's debut with the Nets and commercial breaks only last so long.

meeting people

When I'm conversing with people for the first time (strangers, friends of friends, etc.) I kind of like to put on a show, you know, to impress them. But it's nothing like 'using big words' or 'being funny' or that kind of stuff. It's more of a 'Punch and Judy' type of thing. With puppets of course.

merry xmas 

Hummer for Men

Saw a leaflet ad for a cologne named "Hummer for Men". It's in reference to those useless-for-civilian Humvees. But why would anyone think that'd be a nice scent??

A Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?
by Langston Hughes

rumblings

...meanwhile, deep within the bowels of Skywalker Ranch studio...

George Lucas: "Underling! Get me LDP on the phone."
lackey: "LDP, sir?"
GL: "Lou Diamond Phillips, voice actor extraordinaire. He shall be doing voiceover work for the next DVD release of Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, & Return of the Jedi"
lackey: "which characters will he be dubbing over sir?"
GL: "ALL of them. Except for Jar Jar Binks"
lackey: "Jar Jar? But he isn't in any of the first 3..."
GL: "mwaahh ha ha ha ha ha haaa!!!!"
lackey: "Gadzoooks!!!"
(laughter, screams, echoes fade into darkness...)

How to ruin a serene evening

You know a good way to taint a nice quiet night of star-gazing, searching skyward for meteorites? How about some neighbors' ridiculously loud and shrill dogs barking incessantly? The only saving grace probably will be if these mutts attack a child and then are sentenced to death by some local judge. But boyo wouldn't that be a treat! Bad dogs killed AND annoying kid injured, culling the human and canine flocks in tandem! The possibility dizzies me with rapture...

the definition of naïve

In college a buddy* of mine was pledging a fraternity and was busy trying to convince us to do so as well. When asked why, his response was, "C'mon! It's free beer and 50 instant friends". Need I even mention that it was, in fact, not so? (well I just did anyway) Sadly, these are the life lessons we all must go through, though some much later than others. As long as you learn from 'em I guess.

*not quite a friend-friend, 'buddy' is the de facto word of choice for post-collegiates as it, like ska, was nowhere to be found pre-university. 'Chum' is too old-fashioned and conjures images of rotten-fish sharkbait, and 'bro' is too Homie and thus tends to scare off the non-wigger Caucasian sect.

My life, in Venn Diagram form. 

It's crunchtime!!!

Parents, I cannot stress to you enough the importance of teaching your children the difference between 'crunchtime' and 'lunchtime'. Granted, they sound similar but ignorance is no excuse. Last week my nephew was in the huddle during the latter stages of a tight football game. When the coach bellowed "it's crunchtime you nancy-boys!" nephew proceeded to take a seat and chow down on a ham sandwich. In the aftermath he and our family could have died from the overbearing shame which practically dangled over our heads like a bread and baloney Sword of Damacles. Ok. I made up the entire story and I don't even have a nephew, but better safe than sorry right?

Oh to be bitter

I wanted to post something cynical (don't let my youthful façade fool you for I'm a bitter old man inside) but the weather's nice and I just played a good bit o' hoops so, alas, today everything's roses.

the black widow

Not talking about Jeanette Lee this time (though she kicks ass). I'm referring to Sonya K. Thomas the Black Widow of Pro Eating! I'm gonna try some of her prep. techniques before the next time I hit the all you can eat BBQ joint.

Everyone??

'Everybody Loves Raymond'? How audacious. There's not even any room for argument there.

Also, what's the deal with TV channels rushing to air "It's a Wonderful Life" and other Xmas movies days after Thanksgiving? Is there some other huge new holiday coming that's forcing their hand? Maybe they should just merge the two...

efficiency

I'm a fan of efficiency and normally opt for it over volume. A well designed home is preferable to a mansion (I might be watching too much H&G channel). For example, if McDonald's created an "Efficient Mac" I'd be roped in. "One beef-hybrid patty, special sauce flavored cheese, and pickles on a structurally sound bun"? Delicious!

don't get fo' shizzle

I can't figure out this "izzle" bizniss. Is it the black equivalent of 'smurf'? There seems little rhyme or reason as to how this little colloquialism is employed.

Dick Cowboy

Behold! Taiwan "rocker" Dick Cowboy. Though this site lists his name as 'Dick and Cowboy' (which, frankly, makes little sense) I'm quite certain his name translates directly to 'Dick Cowboy'.

Happy T'anksgiving 

Music to flee a burning home to

Which CDs would I grab if my home were burning down? This is a subject to which I've given plenty of thought. Barring the notions of rarity & price, I suppose I'd take this dozen:

Elvis Costello & the Brodsky Quartet - Juliet Letters
Porgy & Bess (the Simon Rattle EMI recording)
Chen Qi Zhen - Groupies
TropiJazz All-Stars Vol. 1
Biggie - Ready to Die
Cave In - Jupiter
Killswitch Engage - Alive or Just Breathing
Clutch - (self-titled)
Stevie Wonder - Original Musiquarium 1
C.O.C. - Blind
Life of Agony - River Runs Red
I Mother Earth - Scenery and Fish

So tough to choose... Hey, it's real foggy outside. I bet the Manville moron is putting on his dark sweatpants and hitting the roads for a quick round of 'asking to die'.

The most stupidestest dipshit in Manville

Have you ever met a grown man who threatened to tell his brother on you amidst a confrontation? Well I have as of saturday night. Actually I use the term "man" loosely; "major fuckwad" is more apropos. A few of us were driving through downtown Manville on a rainy, dark, saturday night when fucky mcfuckfuck decided to jaywalk through traffic wearing his ugly-ass dark sweatsuit. Lucky for us my brother's reaction time was good and the car was not damaged on this poor-excuse-of-a-human's ugly-ass body. Whilst exchanging pleasantries (but alas, no pummelling) johnny-shit-for-brains threatened repeatedly to tell on us, to his brother. Why, is the subject for much speculation but the one thing I can say for certain is that I pray captain-cock-in-the-ass takes his game of "playing in traffic" over to the freeway. I'm sacrificing a chicken and burning some incense right now to appease the almighty...

the price of freedom

What is the price of freedom? Well if you mean freedom fries then $.99 will suffice at Wendy's, even if said freedom is a bit soggy and greasy.

R.I.P.

Forgot to mention the other day, R.I.P. Iris Chang, author of The Rape of Nanking: The Forgotten Holocaust of WWII. Her efforts forced many in the Western world to recognise other atrocities committed (and forgotten?!) during those troubling times.

Shemp

Once I conducted an informal survey in high school which consisted of the following question: "Curly or Shemp?" The results were inconclusive. I think quite a few people responded without really knowing the issues.

a tip

If you ever find yourself conversing with a self-flagellating, child-molesting, seal-clubbing, poop-o-phile, and when it's time to part ways he says to you, "don't do anything I wouldn't do", tell him to stow it.

the world needs

What this world needs right now is an Usher song that'll try a person's sanity. Oh wait. Phew!

also: rampaging elephant lushes

nose pick

My friend's mom always used to say, "you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose". Well it took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears but I have disproved this axiom.

reading list

Fantastical tales of intrigue, whimsy, and chlamydia. Classics like "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Syphilis" and "The Cat in the Hat has Clap".

Save yer breath

Let us say there is someone who enjoys pilfering. Were I to debate this someone regarding the merits of stealing other people's things I imagine it would transpire like so:
"man, theft of personal property is not cool."
"nah dude, theft of personal property kicks ass!"
"hmm...mebbe yer on to something. You've convinced me."
Moral? (see above title)

As a bonus, here is a lil tidbit about me. I'm carrying a Count Chocula coupon in my wallet because... you just never know!

bien sûr!

Les Indestructibles. Mon petit chou, c'est un film incroyable, n'est pas?

No way around it

The time is fast approaching when all retail stores will begin playing that Paul McCartney "siiiimply haaaaaving, a wonderful christmas time" P.O.S. song. Must remember to stuff mince-pies in my ears before heading to the mall.
"excuse me sir, but did you know you have mince-pies in your ears?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. I have mince-pies in my ears"

the universality of baby-lovin'

Is it human nature to like them because, for the most part, I don't. I hear it's different when you have yer own but what if I do one day (doubt that'll be happening on purpose) and the first thought that pops in my head when I see it is "my god what an awful fucking thing". That'd suck. I can just feel a friend's baby-shower lurking around the corner somewhere...

Flintheart

Still only the second richest duck in Duckburg.

"This is an intellectual-free zone"

As my man Harris K. Telemacher said. For example, recently some friends and I ventured into Borders. I was picking up some poetry books (for someone else). Now, I cannot quite describe the speed with which our conversation turned from poetry to "Def Jams's Fight for NY" videogame, but I think there might've been a shockcone accompanying it. Hmm, I guess I just did describe it. And for more of your reading pleasure here is a news story my friend told me about. "maybe it's intellectual to you because you were educated with a banana and an innertube". Ahh...LA Story...

fuck

fuck fuck fuckity fuckfuckfuck. 4 more years of feeling infinitely smarter than the fellow who heads this country. Gloating in one's mental superiority is normally an enjoyable activity. It is NOT, however, when the inferior person happens to be the Commander in Chief and the face of this country. Odds Bodikins, man! Ok. No more non-jokey political stuff from me; I promise. Until I blow another gasket.

The case for Joe Piscopo

So I feel compelled to dig up old SNL footage containing Joe Piscopo. Although people once laughed at him, constantly (not WITH him), archival data in my SNL book suggests he had more versatility than many of the current crop. Plus, when the Nets were making their playoff runs in recent years and needed a Jersey celebrity to introduce the players, Tony freakin' Soprano was nowhere to be found. It was Joe Piscopo who came to the Meadowlands. Hey, it's better than nothing. I guess. Though that's probably debatable.

rainin' on my parade

This is the best time of the year, bar none. Autumn in the air, start of the NBA season, and that fantastic stretch of Halloween, Thanksgiving, & Christmas. It gives the great illusion that life is actually fun, though I suppose when I'm old, decrepit, and bitter from the memories this season stirs up my attitude will shift. Anyway, it's a hoot for now. Except... I'm all freakin' anxious because of all the political horseshit going on right now. The potential global fallout from today's results make me feel self-indulgent and guilty for enjoying my above-stated little pleasures. To top things off, Opera has decided to assign a little Microsoft Butterfly icon next to my weblog link. Dammit man!

taboo

Linus once said there are 3 things one should never discuss with other people: "religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin". I'd strongly consider adding Will Ferrell as taboo topic number 4. There seems to be no middle ground on this guy. It's really quite a strange phenomenon. For the most part I find him particularly unfunny. I believe I'm in the minority opinion here, though I am pretty certain the Monkey King is on my side.

If I were elected president

If I were elected president I would promise every family a pony. It would then be up to you, citizen, to obtain from it health care coverage, retirement funds, improved public education, and homeland security. Families earning less than $200,000 would receive an additional pony.

frightening

I had one of those confusing and repulsive "teeth rotting and falling out" dreams last night. I find them terrifying because I guess they are the only types that I have no control over; everything else is usually lucid dreaming to some extent. So during this dream I was in a store shopping when something triggered the enamel and minerals in my teeth to start crumbling and make my mouth foamy. So I had a swollen mouth full of foamy bits of broken teeth which I was slowly spitting out all over the place until I could find a mirror. The horror! And to top that off I was then in this tiny shop belonging to an old Chinese couple. There was nothing of note except a collection of Star Wars figurines. Only they weren't good characters like Boba Fett and Salacious Crumb, they were things like JarJar Binks' pants! Still, I talked him down in Mandarin and got him to sell for $4. I mean, yeah, the stuff sucked but I figured they still count as Star Wars collectibles and I was gonna give it to my brother as a birthday present anyway. Plus, I must've gotten a good deal cuz the wife was yelling at the guy. Oh, wait. This was a completely different second dream from the tooth-decay one. I'm not confused at all anymore; it makes perfect sense!

all is not well

All is not well in the land of Vespuccia. I understand if people hated or loved Clinton, I can fathom tepid supporters of either Bush or Kerry, I can comprehend fans of Nader. I do NOT understand hard-core GW Bush fans. Far too many of them seem immune to reason and questioning. At a time when this country is possibly as divided as it's been since the civil war, discussion is important. However, whether an idea is right or wrong is not even open to debate with so many GWB people. Now, that type of blinders-on, black and white simplified approach works fine for a sub-standard IQ prez. Every morning is just another game of cops and robbers for him. But there cannot be that many Least Common Denominator types out there, can there? It boggles the mind. Of interest is this editorial in which a conservative, citing other conservatives, raises questions about some screwy possible commentary by GWB (whether verified as accurate or not, does it surprise anyone that it's conceivable?). I suppose I have just grown accustomed to rabid left and right media extremists spewing their partisan bile and vomit and that's why I find that post peculiar. Speaking of partisan vomit, have you seen this clip of the pie-ing attempt at Ann Coulter, jingoistic harlot? A shame the students missed. Next time I suggest they forego the cream pie filling in favor of one consisting of gasoline and styrofoam. And connect, to the face, and especially the vocal cords.

jump start

My esophageal peristalsis is broken!! It needs a jump start. So does my pride after my getting trounced on the basketball court by one I do not believe should have been doing the trouncing.

Republic of Vespuccia

My proposal for a renaming of the United States of America. It is presumptuous and confusing for US citizens to refer to themselves as Americans. Presumptuous like the way NBA championships are referred to as World championships yet the US hasn't won the last 2 major international competitions (including the damn World Championships!) But I digress. Confusing like the fact that a square is a rectangle, but you don't go around saying to every square you see, "hey there, rectangle". We can all still be 'Americans' just like Canadians, Mexicans, Colombians, Brasilians, etc... can all be as well, but when it's time to get specific, we no longer need to bother with the "I'm a US citizen" or "I'm a USAer" (which no one says) thing that always sounds lame, like a Michael Douglas comment in an 80's movie. We will be Vespuccians. And we're still named after ol' Amerigo so no need to fret there if that's your concern. Other countries around the world are always renaming themselves, why not us? And perhaps we'll volunteer to give up Alaska so Israel can move themselves there in their entirety and solve that whole Middle East crap as well. This will re-elevate our status in the world, which has crumbled so severely in the last few years, and signify a brand new start. Take off a star from the flag (or just plug Puerto Rico in there and keep the old one) and pick a new national anthem, such as that song "America" (we'll have to rewrite some lyrics, replace references to 'America' with 'Vespuccia' and remove that god reference). Regardless I'm down with it because I have a hard time not laughing now during the "Star Spangled Banner" due to Leslie Nielsen in the Naked Gun.

Afraid of failure

Afraid of failure? Join the club; the 'Scared Chickenshit Club*' of which you'll not only be president but also a client. Speaking of failures, what's up with undecided voters? People still undecided need to get on the ball! Or better yet, get on the bus that'll take 'em to Palookaville out in East Bumblefuck where they can sit watching Real World & Simple Life marathons 'til they puke. Just so long as they don't taint the ballot boxes with their "eenie meenie minie moe" style of democracy. (*now with Minoxydil)

Supersized

You know what's amusing? (and by 'amusing' I mean 'sucks. bigtime') The number of gas-guzzling, supersized SUVs I see with "support our troops" stickers on the back. Now, I support our troops and hope they get outta that Mideast mess alive ASAP, but what's the deal with these drivers?? If they wanna help get us off this dependence on foreign oil so we don't need to deal with some of them wackos in the future, maybe they could start by getting cars that get miles-per-gallon instead of gallons-per-mile. They're probably driving with the A/C running full-blast in winter and a hairdryer too to compensate for how cold it is in the car from the A/C. This behavior seems akin to slapping a 'Mothers Against Drunk Driving' sticker on a specially designed beer-mug holder for your car. I suppose it helps these folks sleep better at night, but you know what? When I sneak into your bedroom at night, start smacking you around yelling, "who's yer daddy?" and then when you tell me and I go find him, wake him up, and slap him around too, THEN you won't sleep so well anymore, will you? Didn't think so Chester.

the awful sound (and what it entails)

It's the sound of shears cutting through fabric. A thick, meaty "shhniippp". However, when I'm absent-mindedly cutting my own "coif" using scissors (rather than clippers) it means only one thing. I just missed the hair and got skin instead. yuk.

Pizza Hut

You know, if Pizza Hut made hand lotion, you'd better believe they'd find some way to cram some hidden cheese in there.

W is a magician!

Did you know George W. Bush can make his neck disappear just by putting on a suit? Imagine! Maybe Kerry can learn this trick for his chin (though his is not so much Kyle MacLachlan chin as it is Jay Leno chin). By the way, I hope everyone got a chance to watch the presidential debates. If you didn't you missed some good stuff. There wasn't any "they hate freedom. They love...terror" type quotes but was so cute the way George W. tried to say Berlusconi. Such a biiiggg worrrdd. He deserved a gold sticker. Let's hope Cheney gave him one and a pack of Fun Fruits® too after it was over.

Skid Row!

So, I listened to a new Skid Row song. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, but before I even get into that I wanna mention (Amazon) user reviews of the album; they're quite amusing. Firstly they all adore the band. But, even stranger, they seem to be Sebastian Bach fans first, Skid Row fans second! All the reviews begin with a disclaimer saying the new singer "is no Sebastian Bach (who is) but he does fine". Who is indeed (luckily). Now objectively, from what I gather from this one song, this new guy sounds much better, less cheesy, but also does a pretty spot-on Sebastian Bach imitation which is actually what drags down the sound of the song! Otherwise it'd pass for any other current rock song but all the "yeahs!!" and "heys!!" give it that 80's vibe. Perhaps I shouldn't even get into this now, but I've also felt there is no reason why, with a little tweaking, a band like Kix couldn't hack it with all these pop punk-rocky type bands. Does this make me old or just goofy for writing this long a dissertation about 80's hair bands? Also, for added enjoyment, count the number of freakin' commas in this post!

What the Fuck is this???!!

Spammed by "Emily" on my weblog! Have you no shame, you harlot from Kansas? Is there no sanctuary from midwestern trollops peddling fake free flat TV claims? Apparently not. Crimony!

Fast Food Atrocities

So I wound up eating two fast food meals yesterday; lunch at Taco Bell, dinner at McDonald's. Let me tell you, my GI Tract went into all out warfare with the rest of my body. I thought perhaps I'd have a near-death vision that night which would solve some of life's dilemmas for me. Alas, instead I had a dream about getting beat up at a supermarket or getting stuck in traffic or some other such crap.

Nets

NBA season's fast approaching and Jersey can never catch a break. The team finally's getting its shit together and ownership again fucks it up. At least I hope new owner Bruce Ratner hemorrhages money for awhile. Speaking of which, why does it seem like a lot of team owners are "parking lot moguls"? Doesn't seem like anyone should be able to make piles of ca$h just by paving over a big swath of land. Anyway, I'll have to see how the Nets play with (again) no expectations on them. Man, if Yao Ming didn't play in the NBA, I'd be quite upset...

TV dinners

Ahh..fake-o TV dinner brownies, gotta love 'em! Hmmph, maybe you didn't hear me right. I said you MUST love them!! We can do this 2 ways; the easy way or the hard way. One involves your declaration of affection towards the spongy TV dinner treat. The other involves ether and then sodomy via Swanson's frozen foods. You decide.

X-men

So a useful feature in X-Men Legends for PS2 might be a 'restart level' option. This way, if some moron happened to allocate both savegame slots to one particular level which had a countdown timer, and this above-stated moron happened not to notice said timer due to his preoccupation with destroying every bed/wall/locker/chest/table in sight, and then time ran out and the game ended, he wouldn't have gotten fucked!!!! arghh!!!!!!!
Also, don't buy Risk II for PC. It won't even fucking work right.

Zounds!

So I found a nearly inch-long eyebrow hair yesterday. Does this foretell of my becoming one of those old Chinese guys whose wispy 'brows jut out over their faces like the bill of a baseball cap? One can only hope!

Hypothetically

Now let's say, hypothetically, I 'accidentally' bumped into an old lady today and knocked her to the ground and spilled all her groceries. Then, hypothetically, rather than helping her up, I laughed at her, mocked her hunchback, and played a game of kick the can with her (now dented) strained peas. And as if that weren't enough, perhaps I decided to pick up her dentures and do a quick little three-cornered hat dance while pretending that those false teeth were actually castanets. And finally, maybe I happened to swipe her tube of Maximum Strength Ben-Gay and squoze the entire contents onto the face of the neighborhood cat. Would you think any less of me? No? Egads, man!!

Sonfabitch!

I just paid MORE money thru mailorder a coupla days ago for a slower, hard drive that is 9x smaller than one I coulda bought at compUSA today! Still waiting for the UPS guy... at least I ordered a better brand.

Frasier

Name me one Asian who likes watching Frasier. Ha! You can't can you?

"You're what??!!"

"Your cock's swaying??!! Get away from me you sick, perverted bastard!" I bet coxswains get that a lot after they respond to the query, "so, what do you do for a living?" My recommendation is they just tell people that they are steersmen on boats.

god has wheels

Why, you may ask? Well it's been said humans were made in god's likeness, yet wheels are a superior mechanism for transport versus feet. So why would the 'almighty' be less than efficient? Answer: (s)he wouldn't. Hence the above-stated conclusion.