Kids tell your folks: "Gotta gits me, gotta gits me, that good ol' Jiggle Bee™!"

If I could put a grossly negligent children's product on the market for the holiday season, it would be something called Jiggle Bee™. He would be "...the worst holiday toy of the season" according to moms.com. Chock full of deliciously sweet lead paint, date-rape drugs, and would utter an annoying incessant catchphrase. Nobody steal my idea!!!

Imus Ruins Everything

Rats. Windbag Don Imus' return has ended my favorite morning radio talkshow "Curtis and Kuby In the Morning". There's really no other politics-related programs that are even tolerable; they all make me want to punch out my car windshield when I hear them spewing.

Speaking of 'spewing', today in the Burger King a ~50 year old man came shambling out of the restroom groaning, "Damn!!". Suffice to say, I opted to get back to work to wash my hands at the sink here instead.

Terrible Phrases

There are a multitude of terrible phrases in the English language. Word constructs that make one's blood boil and eyes pop. Here are a few for today:

- "Your call is important to us..."

- "Puff Daddy is a musical genius"

- "Ha Ha Ha! Only in New York..."

- "It's a boy!"

- "It's a girl!"

new layout

So, do you like the pseudo-new layout here at GodHasWheels Inc.? Me neither. But I think it's too late to change back so deal with it. And besides, I just learned that (the few) people viewing this page using Internet Explorer were seeing god with his head chopped off at the top of the screen. That's blasphemous! Or something..

On another note, I am really freakin' excited about the NBA this season! I'm sure that makes me a weird US citizen but it's true. What's next? Following soccer? But the Nets have a good team and there's 2 Chinese & 1 Korean in the league. And they're all 6'11" or taller. Don't know how that happened, they must've sewn a few pairs of people together.

I'm amped about the Devils too. There's a new arena about to open and I can't wait to check it out. Somehow it gives me hope that a miracle will occur and the Nets will move there instead of Brooklyn. I mean the real kind of miracle, not the "miracle of birth" kind that happens what, every sixth of a second? But actually either kind might work so I guess I'll take 'em. Also maybe Islanders' Miroslav Satan will get traded to the Devils. How fucking great would that be? I cannot even begin to tell you!

manziere

Flipped open the sports section today to see a new ad sprinkled in amongst the usual suspects of strip clubs & limpdick meds (the truck & beer ads are saved for TV): "Male Chest Reduction Surgery". Wow. You fat fucks.

Let's get something straight here; it's Male Boob Reduction. All guys, excepting perhaps Michael Clarke Duncan & Bolo, want bigger chests. Otherwise there wouldn't be all these barrel-chested Paul Bunyan-y legends in books & pro wrestling on TV. Let's also not overlook the fact this is the SPORTS SECTION. Go out and play some fucking sports!!

I'm a fool

You know what's a surefire joke for me? Someone accidentally dips his finger in ink or mud and then later, unknowingly, puts said finger to his upper lip while in thought resulting in a fake Hitler mustache. I dunno why. Either it's because I appreciate the ability of Jews to make light of such a ghastly villain and the heinous acts he perpetrated on their people, or it's just a really goofy lookin' mustache.
If all else fails, I also appreciate a good slip on a banana peel.

Headlines

We're in scary and confusing times; the newspapers tell us so. And I would find things that much more scary if I saw these headlines:

"Massive lead paint recall: China blamed for too much lead in lead paint"

"Trans-sexual is the new 40: Find out how"

"Ryan Seacrest: the face of a new generation"

"Microsoft buys rights to puppies: How this impacts YOU as dog owner"

"Dane Cook movie breaks all-time box office record"

"Childrens do learn, Bush tells school kids"

This Is Sparta!

Here's a band that seriously looks like it needs to get its collective ass kicked. 'The Magicians of Love' appears to be its name so if you see these guys around you know what to do.








On a nicer note, I've finally gotten around to adding the Jazzgeek to my lil' blogroll on the right there. Take a look. One day I'll clean that whole thing up better but I keep holding out hope 'Happy and Blue' and a few of the others will start blogging again.

Happy Mid-Autumn Festival

Zhong Qiu Jie. Mooncakes & such.

Ketchup

So the staples are out of my skin and I've a new shiny cast to last me until mid-October. This should make for some great times! I'm not even talking about the Percocets prescribed to me which I should probably peddle off to some high schoolers so I can pay off the huge healthcare bill that's awaiting me. *THIS IS A JOKE, COPS & GOVERNMENT AGENTS. PLEASE DO NOT ARREST ME!!! I AM KIDDING!!!*

Ok, where was I... Right. I'm catching up on a few things now that the post-surgery haze has cleared and yet I still haven't returned to the office. Just prior to learning my immediate need for surgery, but after I'd injured myself, my brother and I took a vacation out to LA & Vegas. If any pictures are worth posting, I'll slap one or two on here later.

Now, just before the trip out west, I'd been tagged for a meme by Ashley the Jazzgeek and I am finally going to answer it now.

The question is: Why do you blog?
Simply put, I started a Blogger account so it'd be easier to comment on my brother's blog. Since I was already signed up, it seemed a waste not to post stupid jokes & comments on my page. I wanted to see if anyone would read them and if so, whether they'd be amused; I get a kick out of making people laugh (but not from champagne, alas). I'd also been studying some HTML and CSS at the time so I figured I could experiment with them too. Lastly, it gave me an opportunity to try to read & comment in Chinese on blogs in Asia.

As people occasionally stopped by, I decided what a good opportunity to test some jokes I'd been working on in case I ever got the guts to go to an open mike stand-up night or if The Onion ever decided to seek me out and hire me :) (you hear that Onion? I'll freelance!!)

Anyway, the joke results were a mixed bag, and the Chinese thing was just too damn slow (because I suck at it), but as I was browsing other people's blogs, I realized there were a lot of funny/interesting people posting online and the voyeuristic aspects of blogging, as well as the pseudo-community vibe, was something I enjoyed. Until I started visiting too many and it became too difficult to keep up with everyone. I'm sort of a "completionist" so I get a little bugged out if I'm missing bits.

The solution of course turned out to be that a lot of those original people have stopped posting on their sites and my job has been running me ragged. This allows me only snippets of time to really check up on others which somehow negates the completionist anxiety.

Regardless, it's been fun and I'll keep at it as long as I can and I hope others do too. If anyone's still awake, I will now tag: Bo, Violet, PBS, ordinarygirl, and SuziMac. (Maybe I've read your reasons before, long ago, but damned if I can't remember!)

Here it is

My newly repaired achilles

"What's hot right now"

An article yesterday detailed a Louis Vuitton handbag: very expensive, extremely limited in number. It's an item to 'set apart the very rich from the merely rich'. Interview snippets with Mr. Frou-Frou Shopowner revealed this paraphrased nugget: "We appeal to very exclusive clientele. It's no longer about the item as much as it is the quantity produced."
That must be so because god was it an ugly lookin' bag. It was like seeing Rosie O'Donnell in handbag form.

After I read the article the first thing that flashed into memory was a television interview I saw several years ago, a roaming reporter gettin' the dirt by querying people on the street. The question she posed to a random Joe Schmoe was "What kind of music do you like listening to?". His reply? "Whatever's hot right now". It really makes me sick to my stomach.

This Liger cub

Looks like Jake Gyllenhaal.

Casual Dining

As everyone on the planet is now aware, save for some bushmen, tree people, & nomads, we've been overrun by casual dining restaurants. For each chain, it's important to establish a unified brand personality that patrons can attribute to them. Forget about the food, the real importance is the character. The interior design, the pseudo-vintage wall hangings & decorations; this is big business!

I realize it's difficult as a consumer to keep track of all this vital information. That is why I've compiled here a brief & incomplete summary of the personality types for several of the bigger name restaurants. A character cheat-sheet if you will:

TGI Friday's - Friday's is like the middle-aged White guy who thought it was supercool to yell "wasssuppp!" when those beer commercials came out. Heck, he still thinks it's cool today!

Bennigan's - The lonely depressed drunk who sits gloomily in the dark corner of the bar.

Applebee's - Country bumpkin who seems friendly enough but is completely inept at doing anything.

Chili's - That office coworker who likes to reference the ethnic portion of his family history even though it was like, 7 generations ago. "You know, I AM 1/64^th..."

Olive Garden - The guido who tries to cop a real 'tude, even though his parents are rich and from Long Island. There's gonna be a 1980's Mustang around nearby for sure.

Chevy's - That Food Network personality who's trying SO HARD to show she's Colombian. You know. Ingrid Hoffmann.

Red Lopster - The person who likes to call himself 'classy'. Uh, saying it and being it are mutually exclusive!

Undoubtedly

one of the most thankless jobs in the world of inanimate objects is being the 'loop' side of a 'hook & loop' enclosure, or Velcro™ as it is known commercially to Joe & Jane Asshole. Because really, what else is required to perform that task other than to be fuzzy? 'Hook' will most certainly be fine without you, clinging to and ruining neckties when your concentration wavers, sticking to walls or perhaps a particularly hirsute Mediterranean man's back, so just quit yer yappin' and be grateful you have a purpose to your existence, meager as it is.

In Other News (hah, 'News'):
Barbara's Bakery - Honey Rice Puffins cereal is pretty damn mediocre. Eating it with bland rice milk did not help either and believe me, it needed a LOT of help.
This is a shame because their Cinnamon line was pretty good and plus, I like puffins. The birds. They look like they've evolved over millions of years to bear an expression on their faces that suggests "I'm up to something". I don't know how that helps perpetuate the species but kick ass!

Finally!

My Cherry Boom CD is in the mail. I ordered it almost a month ago from somewhere China-y. I thought they were up to their necks over there in bootleg copies of everything, so what took so long?

Pure crap

I'm still steamed about it. That Bush pardoning of Libby is so ridiculous it makes me want to throw up. From rage. Can one vomit out of anger?
The guy is full of more crap than this place.

And did you read how many times Bush used the word "commutation" in his statement? He must've gotten a sticker for learning a polysyllabic word. Someone give that guy a swirly.

I'm obsessed

with this Korean band Loveholic's song Sky. And its video. I wonder if it'd be better or worse if I actually understood the lyrics...

Blog Like It's The End Of The World

I've been told to do that today.
That means the zombies are coming and I'm holed up in a Costco blogging about it. If you're looking for me, I'll be decked out in heavy Carhardt clothes from head to toe & steel-toe workboots. I've raided the appropriate sections and am stocked up on beef jerky, energy bars, water, & a hand-cranked radio/flashlight. Axe, some hunting knives (& a machete would be nice) for the zombies and a police baton & a couple guns for the people who'll be losing their shit and trying to take me out. I think I'm ready for this!

What's the Worst?

Everyone loves a top 10 list! So logic dictates that people will nine-tenths-edly love a top 9 list too. Here goes!

What's the worst thing about violently & mercilessly butchering another human being?

1. The cleanup. All that blood everywhere? Break out lots of cold water & seltzer!

2. Having to tell the same story repeatedly to co-workers the next day. (groan)

3. Bad for the environment. You know how many giant trash bags it takes to haul away all of the body parts??! Plastic's not biodegradeable you know.

4. The roller coasters at Great Adventure don't seem nearly as exhilarating afterwards.

5. It's another item checked off of your short "Things In Life To Try" list. Yeah, you're right; this could be viewed as good or bad.

6. You lose all those "supposed" close friendships you spent so much time fostering over the years. Disloyal jerks!

7. It just proves to you again how much you really need those new state-of-the-art, kickass tools. Like neighbor Bob has. He's probably butchering TWICE as many people as you, and with half the effort.

8. And a better car. Maybe a Honda Element. Those doors swing open with no pillar in-between, there's a tailgate, & you can just hose the sucker down in the back. Sweet!

9. It doesn't really taste like chicken at all. Maybe you can make a soup stock with the leftover bones.

Fjord

As I saw several lame-o Toyota FJ Cruisers & Jeep Patriots on my commute to work, I wondered aloud, "What other car model names could they come up with that would just suck?".

Well, for sure, any manufacturer could dub their car the "Fjord" and get a laugh.
The "Rapier" would be no good because hoodlums will just pull off the 'i' leaving the driver to tool about in a "Raper". Also, I think any sort of fruit would not make for a good car name.
It would not surprise me for Jeep to release the "Jingo" either. The "Corkscrew" is terrible too. Because of the 'screw' part. No need to remind car buyers of how the dealership gave 'em the shaft.

I could continue with this all day but, you know, work...

Vince Carter

It was a fun little fling having you as a Net. You're a nice guy but you can't hack it. Peace...

Bible Fight

Good times! Good times!
Lucky I turned on Cartoon Network yesterday...

crossover

What exactly is a "crossover SUV" anyway? It sounds suspiciously like a new, wordier way of saying "SUV".

Traffic Rules

Here's a quick refresher course for those shit drivers out there too lazy to Netflix the film Moving Violations starring Bill Murray's brother.

-It's only okay to ride up another car's ass in the fastlane, otherwise there's this concept called "passing".
There are 2 exceptions to this rule:
superslow drivers must be chased to the right lane by any means necessary
and in rush hour, tailgating is acceptable in the 2nd leftmost lane as well.

-When you spot a copcar, that DOES NOT MEAN you should slow down 10 miles below the speed limit.

-Sorry gramps, turn in your license. And keys. Because we know you're just going to forget you don't have a license anyway. And you'll forget your glasses. And which pedal is the gas. And...

-And lastly, NEVER STOP YOUR CAR DEAD IN THE MIDDLE OF A LANE SO YOU CAN TALK ON YOUR CELLPHONE!!!. And if I ever find you again lanky white guy in the maroon Scion Xa with the county college sticker on the lower left corner of your rear window, I am going to rip your nose off with a pair of pliers.

Happy & safe driving! :)

I forgot what I was gonna bitch about

So instead here's a new rant until I can remember. The YES network blows!! That's the channel that's supposed to broadcast Yankees & Nets. The Nets are currently engaged in NBA playoff games and the channel bumps them for stupid first of the month baseball? In the words of Mark Jackson, "C'mon YES! You're better than that!!". Fuckers.

Reviews of the Mundane: Cereal

Barbara's Bakery Honey Rice Puffins. With my dairy crisis still in full effect, cereal consumption has been seriously curtailed. If the "normal" amount of cereal I eat is akin to the majestic Niagara Falls, then this whole milk problem has been like Humanity throttling the flow of the cascades in his attempt to slow erosion to the great cataract. I love cobbling together shitty similes.

Anyway, I'd remembered the Cinnamon Puffins being tasty and reasoned the Honey Rice ones would be as well. And this is where logic failed me. Perhaps it's because I've had to resort to rice milk and it's rice overkill (doubtful as there is no such thing as "Rice Overkill" to the Chinese), or maybe it just kinda sucks, but I've been pretty disappointed and it's turned into an "eat it so as not to waste food" thing. It's pricy too and not particularly healthy. What was I thinking? Tsk...

Some funny fake news sites

To while away the hours...

The Borowitz Report

The Onion (of course!)

and Humorfeed, an assortment of others.

It Never Ends

Work's been unrelenting and blogging has fallen by the wayside. But today with a brief moment I figured I'd attempt to combine the two by listing some of my favorite spam sender names, addresses, & content that I've been parsing through, truncated slightly to prevent my page being blacklisted or some crap. Compelling.

senders:
offset@flockoftacos_
ambushingclobbering@protectgiraffes_
funforfood.com@elmarwan_
"Waterworks K. Clewed"
"Reciprocating A. Banana"

subject: snowflake infidelity

body: Champagne is for rich people and basketball fans without OCD.I mean a bad, 'what the hell am I doing here?I've also set up TiVo alternate between the various late night programming. Nobody wants to see Alan Arkin in anything resembling his birthday suit.Person: Autogarage 2.Since we recently joined NetFlix, we should have a definitive answer soon.If you're not willing to compromise just a little on matters of age, or relatedness, or inherent sexual preference, then there's little hope for you. Sometimes, even TiVo can't save me from myself.

Something happened yesterday that changed my life.(For the record, I'm not suggesting my illness was a 'plumbing emergency'. (For the record, I don't even own a gaudy scarf. So I told the TiVo to tape those. Though it may have led to a couple, at the fevered height of its run.I've got a Wishlist for example, that only records movies from 2005 - 2007 that are comedies.Which is to say, it made me plenty squeamish.It's like an extra, unpaid, after-hours, compulsive job now.

Then I gave the Pickapeppa a good shake, up-and-down, and poured it on, too. Zu hohe Kontraste, z.Otherwise, you're in the dark.And life took a turn again.Wake up refreshed, do some more work, take another nap."The day there's no hot sauce in my fridge is the day they pry the last nacho from my cold, dead fingers.The whitest thing in front of me was my reflection in the window. But it's a solid 'Plan B'.And not a good kind of cry, like at Field of Dreams, either. I don't know what you do when you disappear in there to get ready in the morning.

Gotta Git It!

As promised, my new "Gotta Git It!" segment will include pictures of items listed in my (now numerous) As Seen On TV catalogs which I receive in the mail on a weekly basis.

I highly recommend

for any of you American born Asians out there, the graphic novel American Born Chinese by Gene Yang, especially if you're still in your formative years. So many of the fundamental elements of it will probably hit very close to home.
Actually, it's quite funny and the artwork kinda cool so ethnicity be damned, give it a quick look. I've heard mention there's something similar for all you Desis out there but hell if I know what it is.
Stay strong peoples, have a good one.

where have all the flowers gone?

I'm "sure" that is what you've been wondering about me, only replace 'flowers' with 'cereal reviews'. I've neglected to mention anything about it but the unpleasant truth is, somehow over the course of the last few months milk has betrayed me. I seem unable to consume it anymore in significant (read: cereal-eatin') quantities without suffering severe stomach pains and much bowel-ular agony.^†

Obviously this is god punishing me for some perceived infraction. Were I a religious man, I'd probably give up god for Lent. Anyway, I've tried rebuilding tolerance, sampled alternatives such as: soymilk, ricemilk, lactose-free milk, goat's milk might be next, but to no avail. Apparently god is not so easily fooled. I've ruled out the lactose though, perhaps there's wacky hormones being pumped in there now, I dunno. Organic milk tests are as yet inconclusive but wouldn't that be ironic (or something), that it's actually Man playing god by manipulating the cows that's fucking me over.

Regardless, as with most experiments conducted on one's self, the results have ranged from 'awful' to 'meh?', but have not been terribly successful. And this whole ordeal has really put a damper on my cereal-eatin', believe me the boxes haved piled up. I've even had to resort to more oatmeal which is like a fisherman losing both his arms and now needing to learn to cast with his feet. Ok, it's not like that at all but you get the picture (which probably isn't of me sitting at a table not being able to fully enjoy my cereal but rather of an armless man sitting in a boat with rod and reel between his toes. And how the hell did he get out in the middle of a lake like that?! He must've learned to row with his feet as well that resourceful chap, unless it's a paddleboat, which you probably didn't first envision when reading this and have now just sneakily revised the image in your head.)

Plus, this new Blogger may be flaking on me a bit. But chin up! Those As Seen On TV pics are coming.


_{^†While looking for a synonymous adjective to the word 'bowel' (other than 'intestinal') look what I found: Middle English, from Old French boel, from Latin botellus, small intestine, diminutive of botelus, SAUSAGE!}

"sweet... sweetness!"

I just received a catalog filled exclusively with 'As Seen On TV' items!! Stay tuned. A new segment with pictures soon to follow.

Our Golden Era

Want to show your age, grampa? Turn a key to fire up your wagon! With many automobile manufacturers now touting pushbutton ignition systems in their vehicles, can zero-emission hovercars be far behind? What other technological marvels are peeking at us from around the corner? Bet on the following five:

1. Pushbutton flies for your trousers - Guys all hate fumbling with the zipper when it's time to make yellow. And the designer of those "button-flies" was hauled off in a straightjacket a long time ago. But with the pushbutton fly, just depress the red switch on the end of the slider and watch the automated system unzip itself! Go to the bathroom in style!

2. Hammer with USB-powered GPS system - Ever been in that scenario where you really need to hammer something but you're lost on the backroads of megalopolisville? Ditto. That was the thinking that inspired this brainchild. It's a hammer but with a built-in state-of-the-art GPS unit in the head. (USB cable not included)

3. Auto-hinge eyeglass frames - Automate everything!^™ These beautiful frames are equipped with the latest nano technology. Pressure-sensitive gyros tell the unit when they are being worn & when they are being removed. Two seconds upon removal, the auto-hinge^© activates and folds up the earpieces! No muss, no fuss!

4. iPod flavored Lucky Charms - Being a child these days is no easy task. Peer pressure. Fast-paced technology. It's enough to drive you Cuckoo for Cocoapuf... (oops). Make sure your kids start the day off right with this hip new line of cereal. It's like they're eating technology!^™ Fortified with 14 essential vitamins & nutrients, iPod flavored Lucky Charms come in black, white, shuffle, nano, and video flavors* complete with iPod shaped marshmallows. _{(*warning: utensils may not be fully compatible with all varieties. Check with manufacturer)}

5. Ignition System for PCs - Overclockers & techgeeks rejoice! If you really want to rev up your gaming rig, ditch the pushbutton on/off switch and install this new ignition system on your PC. Be the bad-ass at the next LAN party and leave your foes in the dust. Just insert the key, give it a crank, wait for Windows to boot up, and get ready to burn up the information superhighway.

I am so freakin' excited

Not for this salad, though it should be quite tasty. No, because
finally, FINALLY!, after years of waiting, I have begun to see corn-based plastics on the store shelves. I figured the oil & oil-based plastic lobbyists would never let this day come to pass. Maybe there is some hope for us after all. Plus, plant-based detergents are now easier to buy and not that expensive either! Imagine.

Imagine back to the horror

adolescents with the initials S.T.D. felt when they learned Venereal Diseases (VD's) were renamed Sexually Transmitted Diseases. On the other hand, the Vinnie D'angelo's & Valerie Davis' must've been ecstatic.

Addendum: Worth watching if you get a chance. USS VD: Ship of Shame. Remember folks, aspirin won't stop the Clap!

a boob and a nipple