where have all the flowers gone?

I'm "sure" that is what you've been wondering about me, only replace 'flowers' with 'cereal reviews'. I've neglected to mention anything about it but the unpleasant truth is, somehow over the course of the last few months milk has betrayed me. I seem unable to consume it anymore in significant (read: cereal-eatin') quantities without suffering severe stomach pains and much bowel-ular agony.^†

Obviously this is god punishing me for some perceived infraction. Were I a religious man, I'd probably give up god for Lent. Anyway, I've tried rebuilding tolerance, sampled alternatives such as: soymilk, ricemilk, lactose-free milk, goat's milk might be next, but to no avail. Apparently god is not so easily fooled. I've ruled out the lactose though, perhaps there's wacky hormones being pumped in there now, I dunno. Organic milk tests are as yet inconclusive but wouldn't that be ironic (or something), that it's actually Man playing god by manipulating the cows that's fucking me over.

Regardless, as with most experiments conducted on one's self, the results have ranged from 'awful' to 'meh?', but have not been terribly successful. And this whole ordeal has really put a damper on my cereal-eatin', believe me the boxes haved piled up. I've even had to resort to more oatmeal which is like a fisherman losing both his arms and now needing to learn to cast with his feet. Ok, it's not like that at all but you get the picture (which probably isn't of me sitting at a table not being able to fully enjoy my cereal but rather of an armless man sitting in a boat with rod and reel between his toes. And how the hell did he get out in the middle of a lake like that?! He must've learned to row with his feet as well that resourceful chap, unless it's a paddleboat, which you probably didn't first envision when reading this and have now just sneakily revised the image in your head.)

Plus, this new Blogger may be flaking on me a bit. But chin up! Those As Seen On TV pics are coming.


_{^†While looking for a synonymous adjective to the word 'bowel' (other than 'intestinal') look what I found: Middle English, from Old French boel, from Latin botellus, small intestine, diminutive of botelus, SAUSAGE!}