Get On It

So, a bit of my daily work routine, when I'm able to stomach it, is to parse through company spam filters to ensure there are no false positives trapped in there and to tweak the system as necessary to try to prevent it from happening further. This is a pure waste of time, naturally, because the spam filter just sucks a big fat one.

Speaking of big fat ones, there is a plethora of spams dealing with products to enhance male 'members'. There are also vast quantities of corporate mumbo jumbo junkmails. However, I do not believe I've yet seen spams that artfully combine the two. No "value-add to your penis" nor "grow your company's stocks & schlongs". Some spam mogul (ie. pantsless, hairy Russian guy sitting in his basement) has really dropped the ball on this one. I'm confident there is great potential here for a new segment of emails for the vast majority of the world to ignore & automatically delete, I really do.

Since it's award season

I think it's only fitting that I declare the Seattle Supersonics as "NBA team with best hair". They've got it all: cornrows, dreads, long shaggy white guy hair, someone who's hairline looks like it starts from his eyebrows, beards, and most importantly no fauxhawks. Fantastic!!
Plus this is about the only thing that sad-sack team will win all year because their owner is another one of those "hold a city hostage for corporate welfare" type jerks.

I Strongly Believe

that people with hearing difficulties should not speak nor hold conversations at distances from which they cannot discern the replies. Really, this is just common sense and the world does not revolve around us just listening to y'all grouse incessantly. A brick wall could serve that purpose.

It might be more a 50/50 milk ratio

And on an unrelated note, Pomegranate 7 Up stinks.

Playing the martyr

I'm not really sure when parents decide it’s time to play the martyr role but let me just say that it does NOT work with food items.

“Oh, no one likes powdered donuts? {groan} I guess I’ll do you all a favor and finish them for you.”

No no, make no mistake, there is only one person receiving this favor and it’s he who’s consuming said powdered donuts. And the only persons suffering are the ones deprived of the tasty delicacies.


Late breaking cereal news: Quaker Oatmeal Squares
They are pretty freakin' delicious, both the regular variety & the extra cinnamon. There's even a bit of fiber in them yet they don't taste like wood shavings. Imagine! The deliciousness might be due, partially at any rate, to my mad-scientist experimentations with milk & soymilk hybrids. The most agreeable non-lactose combo seems to be 2 parts 8th Continent^™ regular soymilk to 1 part lowfat goatmilk. We shall see. Back to the labs!

Wow, it's been awhile

But I've just had nothing to say. Actually that's untrue. I have several things I'd like to say, just no time to say it. That's why I keep using the word 'say'.
I wound not even be typing this up right now except I have to kill a few minutes right now WHILE I'M STILL STUCK HERE IN THE FREAKIN' OFFICE!!

This provides me with a chance to announce that my best friend has turned me on to an effective but very costly solution to eat my precious Cookie Crisp (& other assorted bad-for-you cereals) with actual dairy milk since the soy stuff doesn't cut it with the junk. I have been turned on to goat's milk! Ta da! It tastes a bit... different, and costs 4x that of cow's milk but beggar's can't be choosers. Not even beggars who have to pay 4X as much as they would for cow's milk!

This seems a bit rambly but what do you expect. Happy post-holidays, and I hope all is well. I shall return.

Kids tell your folks: "Gotta gits me, gotta gits me, that good ol' Jiggle Bee™!"

If I could put a grossly negligent children's product on the market for the holiday season, it would be something called Jiggle Bee™. He would be "...the worst holiday toy of the season" according to moms.com. Chock full of deliciously sweet lead paint, date-rape drugs, and would utter an annoying incessant catchphrase. Nobody steal my idea!!!

Imus Ruins Everything

Rats. Windbag Don Imus' return has ended my favorite morning radio talkshow "Curtis and Kuby In the Morning". There's really no other politics-related programs that are even tolerable; they all make me want to punch out my car windshield when I hear them spewing.

Speaking of 'spewing', today in the Burger King a ~50 year old man came shambling out of the restroom groaning, "Damn!!". Suffice to say, I opted to get back to work to wash my hands at the sink here instead.

Terrible Phrases

There are a multitude of terrible phrases in the English language. Word constructs that make one's blood boil and eyes pop. Here are a few for today:

- "Your call is important to us..."

- "Puff Daddy is a musical genius"

- "Ha Ha Ha! Only in New York..."

- "It's a boy!"

- "It's a girl!"

new layout

So, do you like the pseudo-new layout here at GodHasWheels Inc.? Me neither. But I think it's too late to change back so deal with it. And besides, I just learned that (the few) people viewing this page using Internet Explorer were seeing god with his head chopped off at the top of the screen. That's blasphemous! Or something..

On another note, I am really freakin' excited about the NBA this season! I'm sure that makes me a weird US citizen but it's true. What's next? Following soccer? But the Nets have a good team and there's 2 Chinese & 1 Korean in the league. And they're all 6'11" or taller. Don't know how that happened, they must've sewn a few pairs of people together.

I'm amped about the Devils too. There's a new arena about to open and I can't wait to check it out. Somehow it gives me hope that a miracle will occur and the Nets will move there instead of Brooklyn. I mean the real kind of miracle, not the "miracle of birth" kind that happens what, every sixth of a second? But actually either kind might work so I guess I'll take 'em. Also maybe Islanders' Miroslav Satan will get traded to the Devils. How fucking great would that be? I cannot even begin to tell you!

manziere

Flipped open the sports section today to see a new ad sprinkled in amongst the usual suspects of strip clubs & limpdick meds (the truck & beer ads are saved for TV): "Male Chest Reduction Surgery". Wow. You fat fucks.

Let's get something straight here; it's Male Boob Reduction. All guys, excepting perhaps Michael Clarke Duncan & Bolo, want bigger chests. Otherwise there wouldn't be all these barrel-chested Paul Bunyan-y legends in books & pro wrestling on TV. Let's also not overlook the fact this is the SPORTS SECTION. Go out and play some fucking sports!!

I'm a fool

You know what's a surefire joke for me? Someone accidentally dips his finger in ink or mud and then later, unknowingly, puts said finger to his upper lip while in thought resulting in a fake Hitler mustache. I dunno why. Either it's because I appreciate the ability of Jews to make light of such a ghastly villain and the heinous acts he perpetrated on their people, or it's just a really goofy lookin' mustache.
If all else fails, I also appreciate a good slip on a banana peel.

Headlines

We're in scary and confusing times; the newspapers tell us so. And I would find things that much more scary if I saw these headlines:

"Massive lead paint recall: China blamed for too much lead in lead paint"

"Trans-sexual is the new 40: Find out how"

"Ryan Seacrest: the face of a new generation"

"Microsoft buys rights to puppies: How this impacts YOU as dog owner"

"Dane Cook movie breaks all-time box office record"

"Childrens do learn, Bush tells school kids"