The threat is real!

For many years Papa Johns Pizza has been advertising their brand of holy terror in the great commonwealth (ok, state) of New Jersey but not until recently did I realize how imminent the danger. Apparently a Papa Johns store has opened in my nearby locale. How could the mortal enemy of tasty pizza surface in the very midst of Jersey, guido capital USA? Where's the rioting? Where's the public outrage?? If one wishes for the Papa Johns pizza experience try this generic, and free, equivalent: grab a can of bathroom cleanser. Lick it. For their breadsticks go out to the yard, grab smooth oblong stones, dip in butter sauce, swallow. When Ohioans are telling you "this is the best tasting pizza ever!" you know something's up. So now we've got Domino's, Sbarro's, and Papa John's. It's becoming "Chunderfest" around here. If Pizza Outlet and Round Table open up nearby I'm nuking the place (just kidding Rumsfeld, please don't torture and kill me).

extra extra

"Who Still Gives a Shit about Tom Cruise?"
^{A GodHasWheels non-exclusive report}
Though the little man's appeal has never been understood by this "publication", of late the self-absorbed fellow seems truly to have gone off the deep end. 100% of people recently surveyed were of the opinion Show-me-the-money is a douche. In addition three of the pollees, going by the names of Gavin, Dexter, & Donvier, also declared Katie Holmes now to be 'damaged goods' purely by her association with that quack. "I wouldn't fuck her with Donvier's dick and Gavin pushing!", exclaimed Dexter.
editor's note:That is a false quote interpolated from a remark by a classmate from many years ago and, being quite funny, saved until the appropriate venue to illustrate two truths:
1.) Men speak as though everyone wants to bang them. When a 50 year old fat, pock-marked, sausage-fingered guy sees an attractive woman and woofs, "I'd do her", yeah because she can even look at you and not vomit her lunch you chode.
2.) Scientology = crazytime.

T'was good

sad

Juan Pablo Torres, R.I.P. 59
Shocked to learn my favorite Latin Jazz artist died this year of a brain tumor. I'd been hoping to catch a performance some day. Read this Latin Beat interview if you'd like to learn more about him. The discography alone is reason enough to parse it as I've had difficulty in the past tracking down his stuff.

Potter Mania!

That's right folks, the world is once again swept up in Potter Mania and I'll be a monkey's uncle if Mr. Potter isn't keen on buying up the Bailey Building and Loan, the scoundrel! That is, unless young George will head up the business in the wake of his father's death. But he was planning on shakin' the dust of that crummy little town off of his feet and seeing the world. Careful George or your new address upon your return just might be Pottersville!

So sorry, that is the wrong Mr. Potter. The hubbub actually concerns Mr. HARRY Potter, protagonist of the J.K. Rowling enterprise. You might have heard that over the past several years there's been quite the global phenomenon triggered by "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's (Sorcerer's) Stone". The book series / movies / toys / candies / knapsacks / etc. deal with a young boy who sets off to wizarding school to learn magic, face hijinks, and save the world. It's been a good bit of fun and has garnered Ms. Rowling a pretty penny to boot. As easy as the stories read you will surely be shocked to learn it was not all peaches & cream for the author. She had a tremendously difficult time creating the story arc and characters and the whole thing almost never came to pass. Even titling that first novel was a struggle. GodHasWheels has, through great difficulty and loss of life, managed to obtain a short list of alternate book titles the author initially was considering. This, kids, is a world exclusive*:

-Harry Potter and the Exorbitant Price of Petrol
-Harry Potter and the Impending Deadline
-Harry Potter and the Person Who Left Only One Bloody Crumpet in the Cupboard,       Whoever That Was.
-Harry Potter and the Last of the Valium?! Bugger!
-Harry Potter and the Certainty That Camilla Parker-Bowles is up to Something, That Strumpet!

*_{It's a lie. This is neither a world exclusive nor true by any means. Really, it's just horse-hockey.}

Snoopy eat your heart out

It was not raining outside but inside Jean-Philippe's heart was a monsoon, if one were to substitute blood for rainwater and gastro-intestinal gas, most assuredly due to the over-consumption of turnips at the dinner table, for gale-force winds. His entire body shook & trembled as though it were an obese man's stomach that had just been slapped, hard, by a 23 lb. large-mouth bass, or maybe even a rainbow trout though most certainly a fresh-water fish rather than one native to salt or brackish waters. There were tiny thunderclaps of pain inside Jean-Philippe, complete with tiny lightning-like electrical shocks, though the shocks came first and the thunder second because light travels faster than sound, idiot. His stomach wrenched in anguish like a plumber trying to tighten a heavy-duty, all-brass 1 ½" slip-joint nut coated in a layer of spooge. "Sacré Dieu!" he whined shrilly with a most punch-in-the-face-worthy expression. "J'ai besoin un café au lait mais n'il ya pas un Starbucks ici". Then a man shot and killed him in a hailstorm of bullets which is not to be confused with a hailstorm of golfball-sized ice aggregates which would surely dent the roof of your car. Better park in the garage tonight.
Fin.

Fool's Paradise

So USA'ers waste approximately $65 billion a year on illegal drugs. This figure covers only the cost of consumption, not law enforcement, rehab centers, etc. As a comparison this is $20 billion more than is spent annually on alcohol. So what does this mean? It means we're talking a buttload of money! Exxon "rapin' america" Mobil would be proud of these numbers. Of course poor countries, who aspire someday to have this kind of lucre to throw away on drugs from even poorer countries, want in on this lucrative industry. According to the latest data, Mexican drug cartels are now the top suppliers of cocaine, marijuana, & methamphetamines to the US. They provide almost 50% of the heroin too. I bring this whole thing up not because of its disturbing nature but because the Mexican Federal Attorney General is Daniel Cabeza de Vaca. If I'm not mistaken his surname means "Cow's Head". I could just plotz.

(I've added more of you to my sidebar bloglinks. I'm gettin' there.
Les Becker & Cody)

Malibu Barbie, you bitch

Top 5 email spam types I receive:

amortization- someone thinks I can afford a house. Maybe a dollhouse. And only if I sold my body on the streets for a few years. (shh don't spill the beans or they may stop sending me these delightful emails)
Japanese crap- can't read it cuz it's in Japanese. It might not be crap. ...Yeah, it's crap.
Christian singles- WTF?!
stuff from David Shapiro- undoubtedly some guy I pantsed in high school who's now gettin' his sweet revenge. Guy, I'm sorry.
printer ink supplies- they must know I own Lexmark printers which, by the way, run dry after 6 uses and usually cost less to replace in their entirety than just the ink catridges themselves. I think the printers are given out free at the supermarket with a purchase of a can of garbanzo beans. I will soon be able to build my own igloo out of Lexmark printers. Within its domed inkjetty walls will be where I turn tricks in hopes of one day buying that elusive Barbie Glitter Dream Dollhouse.

(good lord has blogger been acting buggy for me lately)

Well, holy shit.

US Lawnmower Racing Association
I'm pretty sure the blades have been removed, at least I hope so because otherwise that would be quite stupid. Hey now, wait a minute...

Speaking of stupid there are 2 things I love to see in the news. First, any headline concerning Michael Jackson that declares "Jacko is Wacko!". I don't care about the story or the "guy"; that line cracks me up. Second, I love when they use the word 'payola' to refer to graft or bribery. It sounds delicious! Like a peanutty candybar.

This came to mind after reading a post by Kevin. I very much enjoy what he has to say.

Hell on earth

Guitar Center store drum dept. sales clerks suffer what must be akin to the agony of everlasting hellfire. Ok, there's no pitchforks nor anal fisting but it's pretty damn bad. Parents bring in their 5 year olds to bang the shit out of anything they lay a stick on. Hey that's like the catholic priest credo of "parents bring in your 5 year olds I'll bang the shit out of them with my stick". (Whee!! Cheap shot/cheap humor, Jay Leno style).
Older customers must have studied at the musical conservatory "Fortissimo on up". They play at one level only: pound-til-someone's-ears-bleed. "Why yes, I'd love to hear you play that Nirvana drumbeat ad nauseum. I SAID I'D LOVE TO HEA..." It's the world's loudest pissing contest. If patrons in the woodwind section behaved this way they'd blow their anal sphincters right through the seat of their pants. Luckily there is no woodwind section.

On the plus side I've located two fantastic-sounding (I think, was tough to hear) economically-viable snare drums that will one day be mine! A clear acrylic Pork Pie PigLite (I know. Acrylic, weird right? But it sounds like a champ!)
and a Pearl ebony mist Firecracker. Fan-fucking-tastic!

(Mo Williams with 23 pts??!! Nets get your goddamned defense together!!!)

Jesus Is Magic

Sarah Silverman's movie Jesus Is Magic will soon be out. She is too funny.

GodHasWheels Previews the NBA 2005-06 Season:
New Jersey Nets open tonight. They'll be Atlantic champs. Nenad Krstic! Nenad Krstic! Ian Eagle is a great announcer who got shafted by the YES network though.
Everyone not named "Spurs" is playing for 2nd place. Correct is the analyst who stated only an injury to Tim Duncan or an act of god will prevent San Antonio from winning it all. In fact, if not for that miracle Derek Fisher bullshit 2 years ago this would be the Spurs 4th straight title. The media's finally wisened up; a team doesn't need old-ass Jack Nicholson as a fan to be deadly. And Ginobili's awesome. Jasikevicius is a good pickup for Indiana. Desmond Mason got scrod. Poor KG. I've never seen Wally throw a pass; in that respect he's like the white Yinka Dare. Olowokandi PLAYS like a white Yinka Dare. Dwyane Wade's cool but Converse sneakers have slippery soles. No Sprewell in the league. Excellent. Lebron James' head is too small for his body. Ditto Kobe (who is still a rapist). Knicks have 14ft. of fat, useless centers. Kevin Harlan will force me to mute many games because of his imbecilic catchphrases.
Players that clip and polish their nails on the bench need to stop that shit right now. All Yao Ming haters please take a belt and go hang yourselves from your shower curtain rods. Gonna be a good season.