KoC and squeaky chairs

Let me preface this by stating I know nothing of the Knights of Columbus and they're probably a fine organization. I will haphazardly assume they began as Christian knights who defended Christopher Columbus from all his would-be assailants since the guy was a complete jackass. Anyway, according to the K.o.C. "prayer is the highest expression of one's faith" which implies that lip service is more important than action in expressing true intent. This is but a hop, skip, & jump away from saying blow jobs are more important than true love!

Many men probably echo that last sentiment. Those middle manager suits who talk landscaping, golf, and their kids in the lunch room? Once they step through the door into the lavatory it becomes pure locker room vulgarity. All "bang" this, "ass" that, or some combination of the two. Or it's some guy conducting a business call whilst taking a leak or pinching a loaf. If you're in a conference call and the fellow at the other end apologizes for his seat squeaking, it probably was his 'seat' just not the one with castor wheels.

Lonely Guy

Are you lonely and seeking correspondence? Has the thrill of life abandoned you at ennui's doorstep like a flaming sack o' simile-ical* poop? Peep this: PrisonerLife, a site dedicated to felons in search of penpals... and more. Their extensive member directory provides photos, bios, & release dates. If you have a forgiving nature and sustained faith in the fundamental goodness of humankind, take a gander. I of lost hope, broken spirit, & stone heart advise against submission of SSN#s. Good Luck.
_{*I don't know how to convert simile into an adjective.}

Johnnie Cochran dead. Species extinct.

Flipped through the New Yorker magazine recently. It contained an 84 page special section dedicated to the "city's top lawyers". Believe it or not ~75% of the photos were middle-aged Jewish men, 24% were other middle-aged white guys, leaving 1% for 'the rest'. Not until possibly pg. 78 did I spot the first woman (white) and then there was maybe one more at the very end. Skintones never ran deeper than "pale". Crazy I know! Where's Ripley?

EXTRA! -- Opera web browser is now 100% free. No mo' ads, no mo' reg codes. IE users have no excuse not to switch over immediately. "It is God's will!!"*
_{*This expression stems from a misunderstanding due to the thick nature of the Southern drawl. They're actually saying "It is God's WHEEL", as in, "our great wheeled god will run you the fuck over if you don't do what we say."**
**You know I'm making this crap up.*** But Opera is free. Get it.
***The lawyer thing is real too.}

$200 billion industry??

Is there another field more patently useless than the fashion industry? Fashionistas, boiled down to their basic elements, are shysters making careers out of championing peer-pressure, belittling people, and selling snake-oil. Inferiority complexes are fostered so short-term items can then be foisted upon folks with the promise they'll remedy perceived imperfections. However one season's cure becomes the next's object of ridicule.

The brand Diesel's slogan is "for a successful life" which means "buy our clothes otherwise you suck. kill yourself". Victoria's Secret once described their new bra as "impossibly romantic". Say what?! Fashion mags are a waste because, though enormous, the pages are too glossy to wipe one's ass with. And what the hell's a runway show? Call it by its proper name: "coke snortin' party for rich folk" or maybe "Masque of the Red Death".

And it sure is fishy that Fashion's a "creative" field. In terms of innovation, they cycle more crap than Lance Armstrong if his bikes were made of horse shit and he were competing in the Tour de Merde. In terms of generating waste, they and the plastic industry should probably have landfills named after them. "Garbage Dump - by Ralph Lauren". Eck, these topics always make me feel awful but I'm sure a nice new belt will cure that. One with a big fat buckle! Or was that last year? Or was that 1976? 1776??
----
On an entirely different note, George Lazenby. Worst. James. Bond. ever.

"Potential For A Fall"

Here's another tale, a replay of society's failures
Out for ourselves, bred to consume in pursuit of wealth
And the ones in charge, once secure show disregard
for future generations who must endure what's left behind

No compassion, no caution, no forethought
Potential for a fall
No forethought, no vision, no future
Potential for a fall
Go on about our lives as we turn a blind eye
as long as I get mine
Potential for a fall
Submissive, complacent, sit back and let it slip away
Just can't seem to hold it together

And yet we continue with the charade of being individuals
As we get spoon-fed, kept in check by the latest trends
Are we that shallow? Is getting your groove on all that matters?
I'm not asking you to bleed, but show consideration please

Sit back and let it slip away
We can't seem to hold it together
We can't seem to get it right

(by SICK OF IT ALL)

The Future is NOW!

Technology exists to convert used tires into diesel fuel!! It was mentioned during hurricane rebuilding effort discussions. Did you also know recycling can in fact be quite a profitable business? Why does local government lie to us saying it's a money-losing process? Maybe if they'd stop shovelling public funds to mobsters masquerading as a waste management industry. All I know is everyone's discarded household chemicals and toxic battery acid seems to wind up in warehouses in Elizabeth, NJ. What a stench.

The Cereal Reports Klassix: Ice Cream Cones
Most likely a General Mills product because only they'd have the audacity to trick little kids this way. Available in chocolate & vanilla, it consisted of corn ball ice cream scoops and sharp little dunce cap cones. Needless to say it was less "mouthfuls of mini cones" and more "mouthfuls of carpet tacks". A serving guaranteed skinflaps and blood dripping from the roof of the mouth. The dunce cap shape was to remind a child, "You're an idiot. Stop eating sharp little objects the gov'mint wouldn't allow 5 year olds to PLAY with let alone eat". But the cereal did have cool commercials. A cartoon ice cream man riding a bicycle with an ice cream basket on the handlebars accompanied by a catchy jingle. "My name's Ice Cream Jones (bicycle bell rings), and I'm bringing you my ice cream cones...".

DVD Reviews!

If you're like everyone else, and from my perspective you ARE everyone else, you've avoided movie theaters like the plague. DVDs are the way to go! But do you know which to queue up in Netflix? Randomly selecting new films off the shelf at BlockClassActionLawsuitBuster is like playing Russian roulette; unless you're lucky, you're scrod* (ie. for those prices you could've BOUGHT a good DVD). Fear not. God^©Has^®Wheels_™ Inc.^℠ gots the skinny on recent DVD releases^‡.

Sin City - Based on a graphic novel. This is the initial "screw you consumer, in 2 months time we'll release a special edition DVD" version.
Upside of Anger - Kevin Costner. Skip.
Kung Fu Hustle - Won't stray far from the stylings of previous Stephen Chow films such as "Shaolin Soccer", "From Beijing With Love", & "The God of Cookery". And why should it? Those movies rock! There's a reason he's the Hong Kong King of Slapstick.
Paris Is Burning - An incendiary documentary dealing with gonorrhea and the dipshit rich bitch who spreads it around. Stick with the old U.S. Navy propaganda film "USS VD: Ship of Shame". A classic.
The Cave - Some shit about CGI monsters in a cave... wait, this is still in theaters?! I could've sworn it'd be direct-to-video.
Guess Who - I have no idea.
The Wedding Date - This may or may not deal with Owen Wilson & Vince Vaughn crashing weddings. Or it might have something to do with J-Lo pairing up with a much more talented actor who uses a full name. Quite possibly it's some big, fat, Greek thing. Is Hugh Grant in this?
Because of Winn-Dixie - How come we no longer have stores named Bambergers? Or Gimbals? Is it because of Winn-Dixie? I may have to watch this...
Constantine - Actor extraordinaire Keanu Reeves is back! Whoa! Do you know some Hawaiians call him a 'fake Hawaiian'? Bogus!
To Kill a Mockingbird - If I have to describe this all hope for you is lost.

_{*fun new way to say 'screwed'
^‡I have yet to view any of these}

RIP mpg. Hello Smpm.

My PC's power supply kicked the bucket. T'was a slow march to death peppered by tantrums and an aroma not unlike roasting dates but the small guy served me well for many years. The Hervé Villechaize of my computing Fantasy Island. Unwilling to wait days for a mail-order replacement, I quested at the local 'pooter stores. Because a certain computer superstore has run all brick & mortar competition into the ground it was less 'stores' and more 'variations on the same thing'. 'Tech desk' guy #1 informed me they might have one unit left of what I was looking for but that they probably THREW ALL THOSE SMALL OLD POWER SUPPLIES AWAY!! That was the extent of his usefulness which was actually better than the 'tech guys' at their other locations.

Due to skyrocketing gas costs *ahem*sham, crude oil prices are actually lower than in august when refineries cut its production and were stockpiling it*cough*gas stations are price-gouging*hack hack* each trip out in the car means one less meal I could've bought instead^†. Since I was already out I tried some different chains too, ones even less likely to stock the item. Luckily a clerk informed me of a local independently owned PC shop which actually had what I needed! The owner knew her stuff so I gladly paid the ass-reaming price one incurs when purchasing at mom 'n pop shops. The new unit unfortunately consumes twice the electricity of the old. Boo!! But has an additional output to connect a spare hard drive (which I have). Yay!! Unfortunately the cable is too short to reach. BOO!!!

†We need a new measuring system, one to which Jane or Joe Consumer can relate. One that forces them to realize the severity of this energy crunch. How about 'Swedish meatballs per mile' (Smpm)? Let's say a plate of Ikea Swedish meatballs costs $6 for 8 meatballs. That's about 4.05 meatballs/gallon for regular, 4.31 for plus, & 4.47 for premium (according to AAA's listing of today's national avgs). Thus a tricked out Hummer H2 gobbles 0.41 Smpm. Awfully greedy compared to a Honda Insight which eats like a bird at 0.06 Smpm. I'm sorry this is all in English units (ranting post to follow sometime soon). I would convert things to km, litres, etc. but I don't know the currency conversions and I'm sure petrol prices vary greatly betwixt nations.

I'm serious. I'm crou-tingly

We all need distractions from life's misery, especially recently. One way is via the Borowitz Report a fake news site in the vein of the Onion and the now defunct Space Ghost Daily News. Another is via hobbies. In the past week I've slowly ventured back onto the basketball courts, and for one glorious day I returned to my old high-energy, defensive, shot-popping, rebounding ways. Yesterday however was not that day.

The level of brutality on the court was ridiculous and I of no health insurance found that venturing into the paint and leaving my feet were two risks I became unwilling to take. This, I'm sure, was much to the chagrin of my friend who was forced to do a lot more of the heavy lifting. Playing in trepidation is no way to play, however sustaining a broken ankle and just having to "live with it" is probably no way to live and I was unwilling to test this supposition. Anyway I'm already nursing a bad collarbone, knee, and wrists right now and the charlie horses, bruised sternum, jammed fingers, stomped toes, knee to the ass, porkchop to the chin, and nutshots ought to account for something...

In honor of the NBA's fast approaching season, some recent favorite memories:
Shawn Marion wins jumpball, sprints toward wrong basket to dunk, and is mid-flight before realizing his error.
Yao Ming schooling Shaq. Yao Ming pulling the old Olajuwon Dream Shake.
NBA jokers like doing stoopit posturing after nasty dunks or blocks. A common move is the "finger to the lips to hush the opposing crowd". Ricky Davis did it to his own home fans! These idiots really should think for a second sometimes. Are you listening Kobe 'rapist' Bryant??!! (his rape was definitely NOT one of my favorite plays).