So if I ever were to be a parent (don't fret, it's not happening) besides keeping up the family tradition and sucking at it, I would be sure to speak often to the kids about celebrities and pop stars but purposely mispronounce names and get factoids criss-crossed. Why? Let's say, as a metaphor, that their journey through life is the shoes they're walking in. My doing annoying stuff like the aforementioned would be akin to a bunch of tiny pebbles being slipped slowly into said shoes. And I'll be sure to program them early in life, via guilt trips, to think that they can never remove these shoes to clean them out either. Also, I'll never let them have a pet bunny nor a kitten. As an added bonus, when I enter retirement age I'll be sure to place the financial burden of support for the ever-increasing, disproportionately large number of us old fogeys on them and their peers, either directly or indirectly through taxes ("by hook or by crook!" will be our mantra). Finally, after festering and raising Cain, my curmudgeonly and miserly existence will end. After I'm dead and cremated and it's time for them to divy up my estate, there shall be only these words on the will: "Gotcha, Suckers! I have bequeathed all to bunny & kitten charities". Hmm, maybe I will have kids afterall!
Repulsive person of the week weak
Anne Coulter. Bitch, just shut the fuck up!! My nominee as posterchild for 'why can't humans be born without mouths'.
Mar 14, 2005
Kids, I'm gettin' jiggy with it
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7 comments:
You are almost ready for parenthood. Just don't forget to polish up your "In my day.." stories first..
You sound almost ready for parenthood to me. Just get your "in my day" stories polished before you take the plunge.
I nominate her for Repulsive Person of the Year; she's a perfect example of why more people should use birth control.
Sounds like you've been getting parenting lessons from my mum.
Hilarious. You could skip the trouble of mispronunciation and getting facts wrong and be like my mom and just say "that" before every famous person. It may sound innocent, but trust me, it is irritating is hell.
"So...that Britney Spears...is she married again?"
"What is that Michael Jackson up to now, going to church in his jammies?"
"Someone needs to tell that Lindsay Lohan to enjoy her childhood and don't be in such a hurry to grow up."
Why, I HAVE been taking lessons from yer mum! But in my day, that L would never speak in a public forum of such things as 'birth control'. Landsakes!
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