where the downboys go (to eat)

A friend heard a radio ad for this and thought, "how sad". Concert price includes baked potato and rack of ribs! They were very specific in mentioning the food (which sounds much better than the entertainment).

How'd this guy not know he'd shot a nail up into his mouth/brain? Beats me but I love the picture! 

Recipe for NYC homeless person stink

Mix 1 part grease (organic, not axle) with 2 parts vegetable soup and 2 parts mint hand lotion. If you opt to add a dash of baloney sandwich use 3 parts mint lotion. That should produce the desired sour, acrid B.O. reek. "Enjoy the pleasures of Port Authority without leaving the comforts of your home!"

Brownian motion

That whole particulate behavior in suspensions thing. But how could a high school chem. teacher realistically expect any sane student not to chuckle, thinking "brownie in motion"?

everyone thought I was Short Round

In my youth we moved towns and the first day at the new elementary school everyone mistook me for Short Round since Temple of Doom had just come out and there's only one of us in the world. Had I been older I'm sure it would've been Long Duk Dong so Short Round's aok. Thank my lucky stars William Hung wasn't around...

"fist to the face tell me how does your blood taste?"

So when in one's life does "full of potential" become "full of wasted potential"?

god's feeble joke

With a light dusting of snow on the ground I'd debated and finally decided it'd be a good idea to hit the local supermarket (a few miles away) for some Drake's coffee cakes because they are that damn good and I needed to treat myself after much hard studying. 9/10 of the way there within minutes, the other cars out suddenly determined that the half centimeter of accumulated powder was the sign of Ragnarok and thereupon the Shoprite parking lot became my own little Cross-Bronx Expressway; bumper to bumper traffic as far as the eye could see, which was basically the whole thing cuz c'mon, it's a parking lot. (Actually, it was no different inside Shoprite either, I assume those people were demonstrating sympathy pains by lollygagging through the aisles.) The entire ordeal became one of those automotive events where time is measured by the number of CDs listened through (I'd say 3 1/2). Occasionally I'd manage to wend my way from the end of one blocked exit line to another, revelling in the fact that I had moved and therefore had in fact accomplished something. By the end of it all, the roads did become a bit slick and much fishtailing was to be had. A thoroughly unpleasant way to spend the day and woefully they were out of the fucking Drake's cakes!!!

Disney's "The Fair Katrinelya and Pif Paf Poltree"

Below, in its entirety, is quite possibly the worst Grimm's fairy tale I've ever read. Something must've been lost in the translation (maybe Bea Arthur will be doing the voice of Mother Milko, but who will play Brother Stiff-and-proud?):

"Good day, Father Hollowtree." "Thank you kindly, Pif Paf Poltree." "Could I marry your daughter?" "Oh yes, if Mother Milko, Brother Stiff-and-proud, Sister Cheesaleeze, and the fair Katrinelya are willing, then you may have her."
"But where is Mother Milko?"
"She's in the cow barn, milking the cow."
"Good day, Mother Milko." "Thank you kindly, Pif Paf Poltree." "Could I marry your daughter?" "Oh yes, if Father Hollowtree, Brother Stiff-and-proud, Sister Cheesaleeze, and the fair Katrinelya are willing, then you may have her."
"But where is Brother Stiff-and-proud?"
"He's in the woodshed, chopping wood."
"Good day, Brother Stiff-and-proud." "Thank you kindly, Pif Paf Poltree." "Could I marry your sister?" "Oh yes, if Father Hollowtree, Mother Milko, Sister Cheesaleeze, and the fair Katrinelya are willing, you may have her."
"But where is Sister Cheesaleeze?"
"She's in the garden picking peas."
"Good day, Sister Cheesaleeze." "Thank you kindly, Pif Paf Poltree." "Could I marry your sister?" "Oh yes, if Father Hollowtree, Mother Milko, Brother Stiff-and-proud, and the fair Katrinelya are willing, then you may have her."
"But where is the fair Katrinelya?"
"She's in the parlor counting her pennies."
"Good day, fair Katrinelya." "Thank you kindly, Pif Paf Poltree." "Will you be my sweetheart?" "Oh yes, if Father Hollowtree, Mother Milko, Brother Stiff-and-proud, and Sister Cheezaleeze are willing , then you may have me."
"Fair Katrinelya, how much dowry have you got?" "14 pfennigs in cash, two and a half groschen in debts, half a pound of dried fruits, a handful of roots, and a handful of shoots.
'Isn't that a pretty plenty?
Isn't that a handsome dowry?'
Pif Paf Poltree, what is your trade? Are you a tailor?" "Better still." "A shoemaker?" "Better still." "A farmer?" "Better still." "A carpenter?" "Better still." "A blacksmith?" "Better still." "A miller?" "Better still." "Are you by any chance a broommaker?" "That's it. Now tell me, isn't that a fine trade?"

the hypnotic allure of skank-ho raps

Sometimes you just gotta get down with it. That's why I recommend the jam (see, I even called it a 'jam') "Fine" by Jacki-O w/ the Ying Yang Twins. The "ooooOOOOOoo!" in the bridge is vantastic!

Ignatius

Little known fact: In the 60's & 70's 'the Man' tried to discredit Martin Luther King Jr.'s accomplishments by insisting he had a second middle name of Ignatius, thus when his name would be shortened to initials it would read MILK Jr. "He's just as white as any of us!..only junior!" was their subversive Caucasian battlecry. (oh, by "fact" I mean "made up inanity").

10 of my favorite drummers:
Buddy Rich (there can be only one)
Louis Bellson (but, if there were another...)
Per M. Jensen (Invocator, the Haunted)
Tomas Haake (Meshuggah)
Chris Houck (Nothingface)
Matt Cameron (Soundgarden)
John Tempesta (Testament, White Zombie)
Vinnie Paul (Pantera)
Morgan Rose (Sevendust)
Christian Tanna (I Mother Earth)

"She's a man, man!"

Jennifer Garner kinda looks like she switched sides partway through the game (don't be fooled by her physique, look at her face/jaw). Does anyone know one way or the other?

Also of interest is this LA Times op/ed piece: A Nation of Faith and Religious Illiterates (the previous link wasn't working but this one should). Now I tweren't brought up with no religion but I have tried to study some of it on my own to make for more lively debates should they occur. I find that comment about "teaching religion vs. teaching about religion" very important. Thoughts?

It's Fight Night!

Is no one else surprised by how often fights occur as a result of persons trying to force their way into a party where their presence is not wanted? The battle to keep them out, that aspect I understand, but what do those bozos really have to gain if they do manage somehow to bust in? They get to hang out with a bunch of people that don't like them and don't want them there? Wheee!! Are they THAT cheap they'll do anything for free beer? If so I'm sure we can turn this to our country's advantage. Get military propaganda ads going full blast at state universities: "What we initially mistook to be barrels of neurotoxins and WMDs were, in actuality, kegs of Labatt Blue!" or "Dude! Free beer in Iraq!!" with a picture of Uncle Sam wearing one of those helmets with the beer cups on it. With any luck G.W. Bush has already fallen off the wagon and will want to head over there too. C'mon, you know that chucklehead would believe the story in a heartbeat.

Impeach Mayor McCheese!

Anyone ever notice the gross incompetence of McDonaldland's Mayor McCheese and the cop "Big Mac"? Actually I always mistook Big Mac as Mayor McCheese, probably just because I liked that name much better. McD's should've renamed him McDouble McCheese and then renamed the Big Mac sandwich a McDouble McCheese to keep things tidy (that is, if they normally put cheese on those things. I dunno). Regardless, they definitely should've stripped him of his badge because he never once caught the Hamburgler nor the Fry Guys, it was always up to Ronald McDonald. And then once those guys were caught, the mayor never did anything to ensure they'd stay that way. Now I might not have been following the full story-arc due to the fact my observations were based solely on the commercials, but there must be some corruption going on, no? Perhaps some hamburger and fries kickbacks from the crooks cuz those guys always wound up back on the streets by next commercial. I mean, if the citizens of McDonaldland were voting for mayor, don't you think they'd elect Ronald since he's the one doing all the work? Well if not corruption then at the very least it was some nasty smear campaigns by the incumbent. "Don't elect Ronald McDonald! You want to put THAT clown in office?!?" which really, is just a low blow.

Rapper Jin: Friend or Foe?*

As a Chinese-Vespuccian I have given much thought to whether a guy such as Jin is good or bad for people like me. I've heard some of his songs and they're no worse than other rap out there so on the one hand, he's drawing attention to our oft-overlooked demographic in a non-stereotypical way. On the other hand his look is very derivative and he does not represent my lifestyle at all. To be quite frank, that dumb sneer of his suggests he's not too intelligent in which case, perhaps, the old stereotypes would even be preferable. Now obviously ideal Asian role models are people like Jet Li and Yao Ming however, they are foreigners and I can understand if Asians born in our country might have some difficulty in relating to them. I guess we'll have to keep waiting for that Golden Child who will embody and represent everything we could hope for, and then mourn when he is assassinated by some crazed white dude.

*(If I knew how to code a survey applet I'd poll you readers on this. However, due to low readership numbers the poll results probably would be somewhere in the vicinity of "up to 100% inaccurate".)

Sometimes the world gets me down

That's when I litter some plastic in the woods and say, "here World, chew on THAT for awhile".

Dick Pump

That was the name of my roommate my freshman year of college. Well, not quite, but his real initials were D.P. and within the first few days of school he announced to our floor that he "owned a penis pump that he kept locked in a safe-deposit box in the bank" and he "brought it out for use with his girlfriend". Now, this story of his is wrong for oh so many reasons (this was prior to Austin Powers and he was not a funny person anyway so it was not some sort of movie reference either). The logic behind why he'd volunteer such a tale is beyond me but you can see why we referred to this stocky, pimply, grasoso fellow as DP, Dick Pump, the Pump, etc. He was just one of those insufferably annoying people and I sent him packing down the hall. His new roommate subsequently committed suicide and whether these events are related I cannot say.