I'm obsessed

with this Korean band Loveholic's song Sky. And its video. I wonder if it'd be better or worse if I actually understood the lyrics...

Blog Like It's The End Of The World

I've been told to do that today.
That means the zombies are coming and I'm holed up in a Costco blogging about it. If you're looking for me, I'll be decked out in heavy Carhardt clothes from head to toe & steel-toe workboots. I've raided the appropriate sections and am stocked up on beef jerky, energy bars, water, & a hand-cranked radio/flashlight. Axe, some hunting knives (& a machete would be nice) for the zombies and a police baton & a couple guns for the people who'll be losing their shit and trying to take me out. I think I'm ready for this!

What's the Worst?

Everyone loves a top 10 list! So logic dictates that people will nine-tenths-edly love a top 9 list too. Here goes!

What's the worst thing about violently & mercilessly butchering another human being?

1. The cleanup. All that blood everywhere? Break out lots of cold water & seltzer!

2. Having to tell the same story repeatedly to co-workers the next day. (groan)

3. Bad for the environment. You know how many giant trash bags it takes to haul away all of the body parts??! Plastic's not biodegradeable you know.

4. The roller coasters at Great Adventure don't seem nearly as exhilarating afterwards.

5. It's another item checked off of your short "Things In Life To Try" list. Yeah, you're right; this could be viewed as good or bad.

6. You lose all those "supposed" close friendships you spent so much time fostering over the years. Disloyal jerks!

7. It just proves to you again how much you really need those new state-of-the-art, kickass tools. Like neighbor Bob has. He's probably butchering TWICE as many people as you, and with half the effort.

8. And a better car. Maybe a Honda Element. Those doors swing open with no pillar in-between, there's a tailgate, & you can just hose the sucker down in the back. Sweet!

9. It doesn't really taste like chicken at all. Maybe you can make a soup stock with the leftover bones.

Fjord

As I saw several lame-o Toyota FJ Cruisers & Jeep Patriots on my commute to work, I wondered aloud, "What other car model names could they come up with that would just suck?".

Well, for sure, any manufacturer could dub their car the "Fjord" and get a laugh.
The "Rapier" would be no good because hoodlums will just pull off the 'i' leaving the driver to tool about in a "Raper". Also, I think any sort of fruit would not make for a good car name.
It would not surprise me for Jeep to release the "Jingo" either. The "Corkscrew" is terrible too. Because of the 'screw' part. No need to remind car buyers of how the dealership gave 'em the shaft.

I could continue with this all day but, you know, work...

Vince Carter

It was a fun little fling having you as a Net. You're a nice guy but you can't hack it. Peace...

Bible Fight

Good times! Good times!
Lucky I turned on Cartoon Network yesterday...

crossover

What exactly is a "crossover SUV" anyway? It sounds suspiciously like a new, wordier way of saying "SUV".

Traffic Rules

Here's a quick refresher course for those shit drivers out there too lazy to Netflix the film Moving Violations starring Bill Murray's brother.

-It's only okay to ride up another car's ass in the fastlane, otherwise there's this concept called "passing".
There are 2 exceptions to this rule:
superslow drivers must be chased to the right lane by any means necessary
and in rush hour, tailgating is acceptable in the 2nd leftmost lane as well.

-When you spot a copcar, that DOES NOT MEAN you should slow down 10 miles below the speed limit.

-Sorry gramps, turn in your license. And keys. Because we know you're just going to forget you don't have a license anyway. And you'll forget your glasses. And which pedal is the gas. And...

-And lastly, NEVER STOP YOUR CAR DEAD IN THE MIDDLE OF A LANE SO YOU CAN TALK ON YOUR CELLPHONE!!!. And if I ever find you again lanky white guy in the maroon Scion Xa with the county college sticker on the lower left corner of your rear window, I am going to rip your nose off with a pair of pliers.

Happy & safe driving! :)

I forgot what I was gonna bitch about

So instead here's a new rant until I can remember. The YES network blows!! That's the channel that's supposed to broadcast Yankees & Nets. The Nets are currently engaged in NBA playoff games and the channel bumps them for stupid first of the month baseball? In the words of Mark Jackson, "C'mon YES! You're better than that!!". Fuckers.

Reviews of the Mundane: Cereal

Barbara's Bakery Honey Rice Puffins. With my dairy crisis still in full effect, cereal consumption has been seriously curtailed. If the "normal" amount of cereal I eat is akin to the majestic Niagara Falls, then this whole milk problem has been like Humanity throttling the flow of the cascades in his attempt to slow erosion to the great cataract. I love cobbling together shitty similes.

Anyway, I'd remembered the Cinnamon Puffins being tasty and reasoned the Honey Rice ones would be as well. And this is where logic failed me. Perhaps it's because I've had to resort to rice milk and it's rice overkill (doubtful as there is no such thing as "Rice Overkill" to the Chinese), or maybe it just kinda sucks, but I've been pretty disappointed and it's turned into an "eat it so as not to waste food" thing. It's pricy too and not particularly healthy. What was I thinking? Tsk...

Some funny fake news sites

To while away the hours...

The Borowitz Report

The Onion (of course!)

and Humorfeed, an assortment of others.

It Never Ends

Work's been unrelenting and blogging has fallen by the wayside. But today with a brief moment I figured I'd attempt to combine the two by listing some of my favorite spam sender names, addresses, & content that I've been parsing through, truncated slightly to prevent my page being blacklisted or some crap. Compelling.

senders:
offset@flockoftacos_
ambushingclobbering@protectgiraffes_
funforfood.com@elmarwan_
"Waterworks K. Clewed"
"Reciprocating A. Banana"

subject: snowflake infidelity

body: Champagne is for rich people and basketball fans without OCD.I mean a bad, 'what the hell am I doing here?I've also set up TiVo alternate between the various late night programming. Nobody wants to see Alan Arkin in anything resembling his birthday suit.Person: Autogarage 2.Since we recently joined NetFlix, we should have a definitive answer soon.If you're not willing to compromise just a little on matters of age, or relatedness, or inherent sexual preference, then there's little hope for you. Sometimes, even TiVo can't save me from myself.

Something happened yesterday that changed my life.(For the record, I'm not suggesting my illness was a 'plumbing emergency'. (For the record, I don't even own a gaudy scarf. So I told the TiVo to tape those. Though it may have led to a couple, at the fevered height of its run.I've got a Wishlist for example, that only records movies from 2005 - 2007 that are comedies.Which is to say, it made me plenty squeamish.It's like an extra, unpaid, after-hours, compulsive job now.

Then I gave the Pickapeppa a good shake, up-and-down, and poured it on, too. Zu hohe Kontraste, z.Otherwise, you're in the dark.And life took a turn again.Wake up refreshed, do some more work, take another nap."The day there's no hot sauce in my fridge is the day they pry the last nacho from my cold, dead fingers.The whitest thing in front of me was my reflection in the window. But it's a solid 'Plan B'.And not a good kind of cry, like at Field of Dreams, either. I don't know what you do when you disappear in there to get ready in the morning.

Gotta Git It!

As promised, my new "Gotta Git It!" segment will include pictures of items listed in my (now numerous) As Seen On TV catalogs which I receive in the mail on a weekly basis.