where have all the flowers gone?

I'm "sure" that is what you've been wondering about me, only replace 'flowers' with 'cereal reviews'. I've neglected to mention anything about it but the unpleasant truth is, somehow over the course of the last few months milk has betrayed me. I seem unable to consume it anymore in significant (read: cereal-eatin') quantities without suffering severe stomach pains and much bowel-ular agony.^†

Obviously this is god punishing me for some perceived infraction. Were I a religious man, I'd probably give up god for Lent. Anyway, I've tried rebuilding tolerance, sampled alternatives such as: soymilk, ricemilk, lactose-free milk, goat's milk might be next, but to no avail. Apparently god is not so easily fooled. I've ruled out the lactose though, perhaps there's wacky hormones being pumped in there now, I dunno. Organic milk tests are as yet inconclusive but wouldn't that be ironic (or something), that it's actually Man playing god by manipulating the cows that's fucking me over.

Regardless, as with most experiments conducted on one's self, the results have ranged from 'awful' to 'meh?', but have not been terribly successful. And this whole ordeal has really put a damper on my cereal-eatin', believe me the boxes haved piled up. I've even had to resort to more oatmeal which is like a fisherman losing both his arms and now needing to learn to cast with his feet. Ok, it's not like that at all but you get the picture (which probably isn't of me sitting at a table not being able to fully enjoy my cereal but rather of an armless man sitting in a boat with rod and reel between his toes. And how the hell did he get out in the middle of a lake like that?! He must've learned to row with his feet as well that resourceful chap, unless it's a paddleboat, which you probably didn't first envision when reading this and have now just sneakily revised the image in your head.)

Plus, this new Blogger may be flaking on me a bit. But chin up! Those As Seen On TV pics are coming.


_{^†While looking for a synonymous adjective to the word 'bowel' (other than 'intestinal') look what I found: Middle English, from Old French boel, from Latin botellus, small intestine, diminutive of botelus, SAUSAGE!}

"sweet... sweetness!"

I just received a catalog filled exclusively with 'As Seen On TV' items!! Stay tuned. A new segment with pictures soon to follow.

Our Golden Era

Want to show your age, grampa? Turn a key to fire up your wagon! With many automobile manufacturers now touting pushbutton ignition systems in their vehicles, can zero-emission hovercars be far behind? What other technological marvels are peeking at us from around the corner? Bet on the following five:

1. Pushbutton flies for your trousers - Guys all hate fumbling with the zipper when it's time to make yellow. And the designer of those "button-flies" was hauled off in a straightjacket a long time ago. But with the pushbutton fly, just depress the red switch on the end of the slider and watch the automated system unzip itself! Go to the bathroom in style!

2. Hammer with USB-powered GPS system - Ever been in that scenario where you really need to hammer something but you're lost on the backroads of megalopolisville? Ditto. That was the thinking that inspired this brainchild. It's a hammer but with a built-in state-of-the-art GPS unit in the head. (USB cable not included)

3. Auto-hinge eyeglass frames - Automate everything!^™ These beautiful frames are equipped with the latest nano technology. Pressure-sensitive gyros tell the unit when they are being worn & when they are being removed. Two seconds upon removal, the auto-hinge^© activates and folds up the earpieces! No muss, no fuss!

4. iPod flavored Lucky Charms - Being a child these days is no easy task. Peer pressure. Fast-paced technology. It's enough to drive you Cuckoo for Cocoapuf... (oops). Make sure your kids start the day off right with this hip new line of cereal. It's like they're eating technology!^™ Fortified with 14 essential vitamins & nutrients, iPod flavored Lucky Charms come in black, white, shuffle, nano, and video flavors* complete with iPod shaped marshmallows. _{(*warning: utensils may not be fully compatible with all varieties. Check with manufacturer)}

5. Ignition System for PCs - Overclockers & techgeeks rejoice! If you really want to rev up your gaming rig, ditch the pushbutton on/off switch and install this new ignition system on your PC. Be the bad-ass at the next LAN party and leave your foes in the dust. Just insert the key, give it a crank, wait for Windows to boot up, and get ready to burn up the information superhighway.

I am so freakin' excited

Not for this salad, though it should be quite tasty. No, because
finally, FINALLY!, after years of waiting, I have begun to see corn-based plastics on the store shelves. I figured the oil & oil-based plastic lobbyists would never let this day come to pass. Maybe there is some hope for us after all. Plus, plant-based detergents are now easier to buy and not that expensive either! Imagine.

Imagine back to the horror

adolescents with the initials S.T.D. felt when they learned Venereal Diseases (VD's) were renamed Sexually Transmitted Diseases. On the other hand, the Vinnie D'angelo's & Valerie Davis' must've been ecstatic.

Addendum: Worth watching if you get a chance. USS VD: Ship of Shame. Remember folks, aspirin won't stop the Clap!

a boob and a nipple

Why, ultimately, First Night parties disappoint

For many a year (I'm guessing here), towns have offered non-alcohol based celebrations as an alternative to the usual drunken revelry of new year's eve. Though a nice concept, ultimately these sober soirees fall flat through no real fault of their own. The problem, of course, is that Man has made life a particularly un-fun experience. If this weren't the case, I'm sure the instances of vicariously-livin' football dads punching out referees would diminish greatly.

"Life is tough" gets bandied about often though it's really not accurate for the majority of humans anymore. Life is actually very easy; either you're alive and you're a success or you're dead and you failed. Living however is a different story. In the developed Western world, we are lucky enough to lead mundane existences.

And this is where alcohol comes in to play. Society is adamant in forcing upon us the notion that drinking it = fun. The de facto meaning of the word 'party' seems to imply alcohol and thus we use terms like "dinner party" or "birthday party" to warn potential attendees that the emphasis will not be on the alcohol. It's similar to the word for meat in Chinese. If you leave off any descriptors people assume you're referring to pork.

So yes, booze is fun-in-a-bottle (or fun-in-a-bottle-in-a-bag for those keepin' it real types). The favorite comment drunks make to sober people at parties is either "wow, aren't you bored?" or some expression of condolence. Placing 3rd is the bizarre "I really respect that".

Many people drink to loosen up and lower their inhibitions. It's societally accepted and easily dismissed if a person demonstrated over the top antics at the company party "Oh he was drunk, that's why his pants were around his ankles". Don't get me wrong, I don't equate 'pants-down' with 'uninhibited', I just lumped them together in a demonstration of poor grammar. I was just making the point that some use it as a tool. Now, why people are so inhibited during their daily lives is a topic for much discussion another day, but let's face it, most people are scared to be themselves for fear of failure, ridicule, others' perception, etc.

There's too much money to be made here so society wants us to think people not drinking alcohol, particularly on this holiday, either can't because they're allergic or "recovering from disease" (don't get me started) and thus deserving of sympathy, or are nerdy, socially awkward, or just don't know better and thus deserving of ridicule. By the way, the "just doesn't know better", in respect to the concept of happiness, is explored to interesting effect in Stumbling On Happiness by Daniel Gilbert. It's a quick, fun read.

With all these factors in play then at a non-alcohol First Night function, all it really takes is a boisterous, too-cool-for-school kinda person to really throw a wrench in the works.

All that being said, one of the better new year's eves for me was one of these First Night things in NY, which included me really really stinking it up trying to learn how to salsa. Just to know a thing about me, I'm forever fearful of the idea of dancing because of that one SNL skit where Chris Farley is in the back of a bar mocking Jeff Goldblum yelling "Hey Everybody! Let's do the IDIOT!!!".
Hmm, the worst new year's eve was probably standing in the cold in Times Square for however many fucking hours surrounded by guys pissing on walls and women squatting in the streets doing the same (except on the ground of course, so 'same' refers to the pissing action not the object being pissed on) followed by a near riot after the ball dropped. So yeah, new year's, pfffft.
But I do like the Lunar New Year.

Seasons Greetings!

Don't believe the hype!

Man, I don't care what Tiger Woods tries to tell us in those TV ads. The ugly Buick Rendezvous (silver) is just a repackaged, hideous Pontiac Aztek (the yellow "Rosie O'Donell-mobile").

Happy Holidays!

into the abyss

If you were to say "into the pit" or "into the void", the accent sounds fine on the in. However were you to say "into the abyss" nothing will do other than an accent on the to. That's just the way it is, deal with it.

Take it from me, buying items from those goofy companies that sell crap such as the "fits all sizes velour drawstring pants" in ads in the backs of magazines is an iffy proposition at best.

And someone please shove this down the throats of those Paris Hilton/Trump/GWBush types so they'll understand what's actually important.

CW

Those are the initials for NJ's 'Conserve Wildlife' vanity license plates. Now, I don't want to be presumptuous but I've seen many folks in the huge pickup trucks and the gas-guzzling Mercedes with these plates. Some also are adorned with the W Bush stickers. There might be a perfectly good explanation for all of this. I, however, think they're just announcing, "I'm okay with myself. Now". Well let's be honest here people. You're not.
Wow! That was extremely presumptuous!

Flipped, pickle-haulin' 18 wheeler on the highway today. Or so they say. I didn't see any free pickles in all that bumper to bumper goodness. 6 miles in 2 hours? That's better than the 15 ft/hr. rate on Black Friday's shopping "bonanza".

Taco Bell

I've been hankering for it but it's certainly not worth dying from dysentery over due to E. Coli poisoning. Developing a resistance to E. Coli would be one of the most useless bodily victories. It just means you'd be able to consume high quantities of human feces without deathly repercussions. C'mon! You can do better than that.

Quiche

Now where does the expression "real men don't eat quiche" come from? The stuff is delicious! I hope I didn't just inadvertently confess to something.

The holiday shopping rush is on and, as in recent years, I have resorted more and more to the internet. Which of course becomes a huge problem when one's cable modem craps out nonstop. I might have to rename this blog "Cablevision Sucks!", except, what do I do when I drop them as a provider? Gotta think more long term...