Remember,

if you value your movie watching experience, dear god do not read a Time magazine review of the film beforehand!! It can lead only to surprise spoilers and misery. 1940s cinema-goers ready to paint the town red during that trying era, on their way out the door to the moving pictures show, probably glanced in their mailboxes only to be greeted with the blaring headline "Rosebud was his sled!". As the saying goes, Time waits for no Man (to first watch a movie before ruining key parts).

Cereal Review: Quaker's Chocolatey Peanut Butter Crunch
To say I was disappointed would be inaccurate as I've experienced previous failed Cap'n Crunch attempts at chocolate (Choco-Crunch) so I knew what to expect. Plus regular Cap'n Crunch contributed to my "Great Vomit Incident of '85". Still, I love Peanut Butter Crunch and, well, one never knows for sure. Alas, this product rates but a "met expectations". If you truly are hankering for a chocolate/peanut butter cereal kapow, opt for General Mills' Reese's Puffs.

Telltale sign

If a guy calls a woman a 'ho' or refers to her 'jugs' or her 'can', chances are he's a closet farmer. Also check if his boots are coated in manure. In this 2nd instance, if he's NOT a farmer then good god what the fuck is he doing?!!

Here's one of the few jokes I can remember:
This couple had an excellent relationship until one day the man came home from work to find his girlfriend packing. He asked her why she was leaving him and she said she had heard awful things about him.
"What could they possibly have said to make you move out?"
"They told me that you were a pedophile."
He replied, "That's an awfully big word for a ten year old."

And finally, Nets, get your act together! I cannot accept you guys losing to Alonzo Mourning.

6/6/6

To the left is an unretouched newspaper photo of the current pope. Goddamn he's a frightening looking figure! Don't tell me he's not giddy about the impending 6/6/06 this summer.


Extra!
As stated earlier, the Battle of Westernized Soy Milk has but 2 major combatants. However it would be pure folly to overlook piddling insurgents. ZenSoy is one such outlier. For consistency's sake, vanilla was again the flavor of choice. ZenSoy's viscosity falls directly between those of the 2 champs. Perfect! It's "pricepoint" (whew, when did English become such a stupid language?) is lower than both as well. The problem is ZenSoy's overpowering vanilla flavor. It's got "Big Dumb American Palate" written all over it. This brand is probably the soymilk of choice in Hollywood. Still, since it's relatively cheap, one could always purchase a carton of regular & one of vanilla and mix the two. Silk & 8th Continent better not get complacent.

Beetle Bailey Office Coping Mechanism

To bypass insipid office chatter, try the following:
_{A.) Avoid eye contact. If you accidentally do meet someone eye to eye:
B.) Hear his/her sigh & initial gripe about something that, though it sucks, is not interesting at all.
C.1) Respond with a fairly innocuous, barely witty comment.
or
C.2) Respond with a sympathetic profanity.
D.) Elicit a laugh by chortling at remark (C).
E.) Walk away while laughing.*
*I learned this handy tip from reading Beetle Bailey cartoons growing up.}

This post was inspired by the following ridiculous dialogue.

Adidas Yellow Series

I feel I am required by ethnicity to mention that Adidas is producing a Yellow Series of sneaker. Please note the graphic on the tongue. A bit of an odd approach for a company to take, no? If further shoe series include a "little Black Sambo" model and a "red-nosed drunken Irish" model then things are hunky-dory. Otherwise I may be a bit put-off.
The acceptable approach in life, afterall, is "You can't please everyone but you can piss everyone off". And that can be amusing. Anyways Adidas tend to aggravate my achilles.

In other major news! The Battle of Westernized Soy Milk
So which is it gonna be? Silk or 8th Continent? Both have their pros and cons. For instance, Silk's vanilla flavor is subtle but it has that ultra-thick weirdness to it. Like those low-fat milks made to resemble the consistency of whole milk and which fail miserably. 8th Continent's vanilla flavor on the other hand is a little overpowering and it's much more runny. Almost resembling rice milk. Plus it comes in the new 'much more difficult to grasp' bottle shape! Both have been tested on flaky cereals and both passed. However, since rice milk is just one step away from horchata! I give the nod to 8th Continent.

GodhasWheels' Story Hour

Imagine the story of Willie Packer, a Black man trying to break into the NASCAR racing phenomenon. This "sport's" rabid fans, an interesting phenomena in and of themselves, have taken to calling him 'Fudge' due to his skin tone and love of brownies. A nickname of Fudge Packer normally upsets a man because of its derogatory nature, and in public Willie certainly acts affronted, but in private he is a closet flamboyant homosexual and actually relishes the name though it has nothing to do with relish, which he consumes in mass quantities along with the brownies. Now little does he know, many of the established redneck NASCAR drivers are also secretly gay and were initially drawn to the activity because of the homoerotic symbolism revolving around big cars & big engines. Though they distrust melanined folk, that fear would be trumped by their admiration for a man who could outwardly champion their cause within the community. Plus Willie's perty good-lookin'.

And so the wheels are in motion for Fudge to be a true ground-breaker in this bizarre national pastime. Literally, for Willie's day job is jackhammer operator for the city's transportation commission during their massive overhaul of the metropolis' roadways. Find out what happens next as disparate worlds collide due to Willie's carelessness, for while daydreaming about his third interest, astronomy, he accidentally strikes an underground power generator triggering a bizarre magnetic field anomaly around the globe. This sets off a chain of events, not to mention several fires and alarms, that results in the hurtling through space towards Earth of the tiny iron planet named Racsan. It's populated by dark-skinned raging heterosexuals who hate nothing more than car-racing, road construction, & chocolate fudge. Stay tuned!!!

Update:More lawyer letters. Running tally currently stands at 10. Let's see how many I'll get now that I've massacred the family down the street. Enjoy the weekend.

collywobbles

I just like the word. Though, perhaps I've got a bit of it.

feeding frenzy

Recap:! Sunday night- didn't stop at supermarket parking lot exit stopsign and issued a summons by "gotta make month-end quota" cops.
! Info not yet in their online system when I got home past midnight. (ie. monday morning)
! Wednesday- received letter from lawyer looking to defend me in the case "State of NJ vs. Glomgold".
! Thursday- received 4 more lawyer letters. Good fucking god!

And a big FUCK YOU, CUNTS!! to United Airlines Rewards Magazine Subscription Customer Service Center. Since Dec 2005 I've tried numerous times to get an address change. No big whoop you say? Last week I was told a customer service rep would call me back to help resolve the issue. Apparently it's tuff stuff, may require a doctorate. The message left for me today stated they cancelled my magazine for me. "Wh' happened?" Upon calling them back the lady on the other end would only say, "It's been cancelled b/c you have 2 subscriptions to the same magazine". I told her in no uncertain terms that's pure horseshit and to please explain what the hell is going on. But she was programmed only to say those same words (undergrad of the parakeet speech-training school). More calls & yelling ensued.
End result: magazine subscription = cancelled. Can't be reactived nor reordered b/c "it's not available". Well then how about my "2nd subscription"? Doesn't exist!
This is bad sitcom shit. Where's Fran Drescher? I guess I should take solace in the fact they'll all lose their jobs to India soon.

the boys in blue

This post is dedicated to the nation's police officers. Specifically the fucking jerkoff and his cocksucking partner who issued me a summons for rolling through the stop sign of a supermarket parking lot at 11:30pm on a sunday night. Thanks you chodes! Well, I'm sure you guys will be there when there's major trouble or at least when there's guys smoking dope/drunk/on the phone & swerving all over the roads. Wait, no. I've yet to ever see that actually. Since this is the 'burbs you don't pull anyone over unless they're Black. Or unless it's late night and you're upset at yourselves again for not having the guts to join the military and thus take it out on a poor ol' Chinese guy who just wanted to buy a bottle of orange-glo cleanser (and who didn't even find it). My next positive experience with a cop will be my first.
So, this next paycheck of mine goes out to you, you corrupt bastards. And to my soon to be increased auto insurance premiums. Rot in hell you useless scum. I salute you. Fuck off! Big time.

The age of Man

What a glorious time for us men to be alive. Not only did L show us many months ago that we're smarter than women (based off of skewed research provided by men) but there is a plethora of bald-headed celebs whom we can idolize too should we be of the follicly-challenged ilk.

This was not always the case. Why even in the last few decades there were scant few chromedomes one could admire. The choices were basically Telly Savalas, Ernst Blofeld, Destro, or that 'ha ha ha, 7-Up' guy. Why, in the 80's if a fellow didn't wear lots of makeup, get a perm, and "grow (his) hair to the sky", as stated in Cinderella's Gypsy Road, he wasn't a man! Not so now.

Lastly, I bet all those impotent dudes who've been hiding in caves for the past half century are now rejoicing. Not only has their condition's name been softened (hoo!) to 'E.D. ie. erectile dysfunction' but every other ad in the US is some sort of pill that treats it. Now is the era. The era for bald, impotent men. Just look at our VP! Actually I think I'd prefer Ernst as our leader.

Song of the week: "Treat Her Like a Prostitute" by Slick Rick. Oh don't worry, if anyone gets treated like a prostitute around here it's me, by corporate america. The "invisible hand of Capitalism" reams me a new one daily, and for a mere pittance.

Boring

No doubt I've been most boring of late. And I don't mean plain ol' boring, I'm talking Rik (Mayall) & Neil in The Young Ones boring. Bhaaahwwing. So here's an update regarding my to-do list from a month ago:
Obtain 80's songs "One Night in Bangkok", "Electric Avenue", & "Break My Stride". -check

Eat Total Vanilla Yogurt cereal. -check (not my stylo but I could see the yogurty thing being addictive to folks). I know The Frog Princess is a big Total fan.

Eat Great Grains cereal. -check. Quick Cereal Review: Despite my initial hesitance due to the presence of dried dates (I always find them a turnoff for some reason), this cereal rocks. It's so hearty I feel like I'm eating a bowl of trailmix with milk. You know how most cereals are flakes with some clusters thrown in? Well this stuff is the opposite; I'm hard-pressed to find flakes at all actually. Awesome. Thanks Sara for the recommendation.

So what's left? I guess the Yogurt Cheerios and the stop being a putz and get real career-advancing work thing. I'd better get started on Cheerios...

na na na na na, HEY! na na na na

Taking my morning constitutional amidst a development of cookie cutter mcmansions, I couldn't help but feel a pang of sorrow for the owner of one particular house. Though he possessed the requisite horizontal off-white vinyl siding, backyard jungle gym, & large front entryway, he must certainly have been too poor to afford either the frontside brickface or the (I thought) standard 2 small first floor windows on the side of his home. For shame. I can only pray to our great wheeled god that the man will buy the best damn snow blower and riding lawnmowers on the market. You get that John Deere and you slap that magnetic yellow ribbon on the back, guy. Ya heard me?

one additional observation: Why are some NBA arenas playing Dream Theater and Yes songs?! "Owner of the Lonely Heart" is a far cry from Gary Glitter and I can't see the prog music/jock jams connection. Have members of these bands been indicted on child pornography charges as well?

throw another spouse on the barbie

People sometimes refer to ex's as "old flames". Well, TV show people do anyway. A post by H&B2 got me wondering, "cavemen didn't know about fire let alone flames so how did they refer to their ex's"? My guess is "dinner" as they probably ate their former partners. Not sure if the cannibalism caused the breakup or vice versa. Ideas?

Here's jeremapalooza, a new blog for you to peruse. As well as a shout out to Rust Belt Ramblings. Good stuff.