To bypass insipid office chatter, try the following:
A.) Avoid eye contact. If you accidentally do meet someone eye to eye:
B.) Hear his/her sigh & initial gripe about something that, though it sucks, is not interesting at all.
C.1) Respond with a fairly innocuous, barely witty comment.
or
C.2) Respond with a sympathetic profanity.
D.) Elicit a laugh by chortling at remark (C).
E.) Walk away while laughing.*
*I learned this handy tip from reading Beetle Bailey cartoons growing up.
This post was inspired by the following ridiculous dialogue.
Apr 24, 2006
Beetle Bailey Office Coping Mechanism
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11 comments:
A co-worker once praised my ability to slink my way out of water-cooler/smoke break banter. I never for once thought to attribute it to years of giggling at the comic stylings of Mort Walker.
Fortunately I now work in a school, so when I hear my co-worker's initial sigh I can always count on an out. Usually, "Hey you little fucker. Get away from that locker!"
that's such a good idea. I used to simply keep keying away at the computer so that he or she'd get the idea and stop talking.
Although I don't work in an office, small talk with people you can't really connect with truly is a pain. My conversation with this one person always, ALWAYS ends up like this:
I: How are you? (a desperate attempt at starting a hopefully meaningful conversation)
He: Tremendous. You?
I: Oh, I'm doing great, I actually went snowboarding with some friends over the weekend, and we ran into a LIVE BEAR! (this did not actually happen, it's just an example)
He: I see.
awkward silence.
I: We were *bleep*-ing scared out of our minds. And just ran for it.
He: I see.
...
SIGH. I guess he just enjoys saying 'I see.'
Those are good. When attacked again at the office I've decided to start telling them my latest dream--that will run them off in a hurry!
Yeah "E" is the one that sounds the most exciting!
Office relationships can be summed up this way: We all pretend to be best friends and pseudo-family with the knowledge that we would never seek out each other's company if we weren't forced together, and that if we quit and went somewhere else, we would never talk to each other again and not care.
I need to write that down. I spend most of my day trying to avoid office chatter.
Can I get an example of C2, sympathetic profanity? My first move is to try to avoid eye contact, but I'm so aware that I'm trying to do this that I buckle and look the robot right in the eye. I like choice E. Usually I laugh because usually someone's either trying for laughter or saying something followed by nervous laughter. Also, "Yeah" in various inflections depending on the situation works ok. There isn't even a water cooler where I work--just a long, narrow hallway.
I found just punching people in the face tends to work too.
Update: I've had an ugly upset stomach the last few days and eating hasn't been going well. Someone just came and offered me food, and I explained my situation. That person left surprisingly quickly. Apparently that works (however, if speaking to overly concerned women who like "a situation" graphically exaggerating the situation might be necessary). I suppose in extreme cases, gag like making to vomit.
I've found that responding with "My ferret won't like that one bit now will he Phil?" directed to my shirt pocket can clear them away.
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