Happy Halloween

"Hmm... Colon Blow. Sounds delicious."

Thulsa Doom is back! Christians couldn't keep him down. Like non-refridgerated, month-old Deviled Eggs in an ipecac marinade.

So I'm really excited for the new Georgia Aquarium. The marquee attraction will be 2 whale sharks!! Though small at only 13 ft. each, the alternative is never seeing any. It's a good reason to return to Atlanta. Last time there I saw jack & shit because of the co-worker whore with me on my business trip. I recall getting lost on about 2 dozen roads all named Peachtree-something and the strumpet doing no work but taking credit for everything I did. Sweet. I already missed the great white in temporary captivity at Monterey Bay but I'll rectify that by going shark cage-diving. Tuff talk from a poor-swimming chump afraid of deep water but it's one of only a few things on my life's to-do list. I'll save it for when I'm closer to death else I'll have nothing to look forward to. Or I can settle for this.

Reviews of the mundane: cereal
Wuzzat you holler? "Where's our beloved Cereal Review Classix?!" Put down the torches & cudgels and let that witch go. Fear not, it's still here only better than ever! Going forward, all mundane product reviews will fall under this new umbrella, streamlining and facilitating the synergizing of strategic thrusts. GodHasWheels' mission statement is to integrate not granulate, to deliver the best content-specific blahbity blah blah bullshit. Whatever.

Ok, today's cereal is: Back to Nature's Organic Apple Cinnamon Harvest
Well, it's not much to look at. If after a blustery autumn day one were to gather apple orchard detritus and put it in a bowl, you get the idea. Organic indeed! Plus the bag was a sonofabitch to open but this cereal smells great. It's comprised of oats, dried cinnamon apple slices, flakes (wood shavings?), and puffed rice that looks like kibble. It's sweetened with cane sugar & fruit juices and tastes delicious, though the texture's a bit odd. You could be chewing on its gristle for hours. That's because there's 11grams of fiber per normal serving. That's practically half the fiber one needs PER DAY! Normally I eat 3 or 4 bowls of cereal per sitting but this stuff reminds me of Phil Hartman's Saturday Night Live "Super Colon Blow" cereal ad so I just stuck with the one. Give it a shot. It really tastes good and ain't too pricy either. Plus it should last awhile unless you're a glutton for potty punishment.

Push butt Rub gently under arm

Ladies may be unaware but this is the most famous cluster of words known to the american male. "One small step for man"? pff. "It's not what your country can do for you"? Fuhgeddaboudit (even to see this written phonetically is shameful. What a played out expression).
Anyways practically all restrooms here have electric hand dryers. Attached to most are printed metal placards listing instructions for use: "Push button. Rub hands gently under warm air". I've yet to witness firsthand their defacement but I assure you, any public men's room dryer not brand-spankin' new has been altered. Why? Why is the sky blue? Why do rubberneckers grind to a halt on the freeway to ogle car accidents? Why does okra feel like it's been dipped in saliva and not just any saliva but the kind one gets after drinking a glass of milk? It is nature's way.
I am curious to know if this phenomena occurs in: A.) ladies rooms & B.)non-american restrooms. Any info would be much appreciated.

Things I've lied about

Tired of penance and words
Confession is absurb
Cause you shouldn't have done the deed in the first place for sure

^{Ah, truer lines were never spoken. These are courtesy of the metal band Hades.}
Today I seek not redemption. Nor forgiveness. Solely for the purpose of exposing another facet of me, and thus personalizing further this site, do I present these. Prevarications I've been guilty of at some point in my life.

-In middle school I finally was able to buy my first pair of "name brand" sneakers; ugly blue pigskin Reebok running shoes from the clearance section of a Marshalls discount store. My hometown's populated almost exclusively by richy-rich white snobs. When asked by a classmate where I'd gotten the shoes, I persisted that "I couldn't remember" to throw him off the track. Clever.

-My freshman year of college, in order to validate a weak joke I was perpetrating, I lied that I'd seen the James Stockdale vice presidential debate. In fact, I'd only read about it afterwards. Unnecessary.

-Sorry to say, I shoplifted several fake-o transformer toys from a Bradlees discount store once while my mother shopped next door. When she saw me playing with one she questioned where I'd gotten it. I claimed I found it on the sidewalk. She believed it! Out of guilt I disassembled and threw them away. "If I can't have you, no one will!!!"

-Once in high school a girl I was into told me she loved the Rolling Stones and I said I liked that. I didn't give a poop about the Stones. I liked her and was glad she listened to something that wasn't Phish or Jimmy Buffett. Hmm, this might not count as a lie.

-Basketball pickup games usually end with me saying "good game" to nice guys who kinda stink. They're usually foul-crazy hatchetmen but I don't wish to discourage people from exercising & playing the greatest sport on earth.

-Asked by a friend whether I thought the singer Mya was hot I said, "eh, she's ok" but that's not true. She's freakin' hot!

-During a summer stint at a telemarketing firm, on the phone I'd lie that my name was Bob which, coincidentally, turned out to be the name of the creepy guy sitting next to me. I found this out one day when he demanded I stop using his name. I was terrible at the job and often hung up in a fit of laughter on the people I was calling. If you've worked these gigs you know that the automated systems redial the same numbers at a later time. He was getting some serious negative responses during some of his callbacks. In fairness to me no one ever gets my real name so this way was easier. Plus, my 2 or 3 other friends working there also used his name and stank just as much as I did.

off the hook in Ratchaburi province

Would you eat this wacky Thai bread?

"bitch I'll make you famous"

If you're attempting to crack into the lucrative rap market and need a song penned, consider my braggadocious sample below:

earn* ten figures like storage for close to a dozen cremated people
so popular Hollywood's got Jet Li playing me in a sequel
or 2, or 3, skip the original movie believe me I'm pulling weight
comtemplate a freight train loaded with sumo wrestlers and their dinner dates

*urn. A homonym. Whee!!

You'd be required to be an Asian male otherwise the lyrics won't work. I will not compromise my art for anyone!! (fist shaking in the air). In addition to the fine wordsmithing I will throw down a simple, phat 4/4 Dr. Dre style beat and sample an Isley Brothers song mixed with some Bob Marley played back in cut time and a different key. I will also hire a "rival" entourage to open fire at yours thus securing your credibility.

From your one-hit wonder I will accumulate fame and a small fortune in royalties, retire, and then purchase a tiny island in the Far East. After living in this Pacific paradise for approx. 2 months it will be inundated by a low-level typhoon. My bungalow will be no match for the elements and I will be washed to sea where, during the most frightful night of my life, I will empty my bowels repeatedly and then drown lonely & terrified. Quite soon thereafter my floating carcass will be preyed upon by small sharks and an occasional unforgiving seagull. When the authorities fish my half-eaten, bloated, sunburnt body from the waters two days hence they'll initially stare in dismay. As one is checking my pockets for a wallet (it would contain no money should you even find one, good sir) the other will avert his gaze muttering, "his beats SUCKED! I could've written that shit". Maybe so my man. Maybe so.

Dying to be 'exotic'?

Can't stand having a wide selection of Hollywood acting gigs available to you? Maybe you just really want to be asked, "Where are you from?" followed always by "Originally?" every time you step out. Well my friend then you need to be Asian! Here's my guide to help you along. Follow instructions carefully and you'll be fast-tracked to being either A.) openly fetishized or B.) completely overlooked, depending on your gender.

• Look alike.


• Ensure you're the token member in your frat or sorority. Must keep that cachet.


• You gotta swear off that peanut butter & mayo sandwich shit. Seriously.


• If you're Korean, your name's Kim or Lee. If you're Vietnamese, it's Nguyen or Tran. Chinese it's Chen or Li, but if you're Japanese your name's 4 syllables long and ends in a vowel. What's up with that? It sounds cool but that's like 3 syllables away from Indonesian territory!


• Given the differential equation: y" - 2y' + y = sinh x
  the general solution is: y = (c₁ + c₂x)e^x + ¼x²x^e + (1/8)e^-x
  Memorize this.


• Get a tattoo of a random misspelt word on your arm. Tell people it means "I dearly love my family and friends and wish them all fabulous health, wealth, & a yacht".


• Don't even wait for people to ask before you start in with the chopsocky ka-ra-tay action!


• Never refer to martial arts as 'chopsocky'.


• Include Indians, but only when it suits your needs. (reference: see New Yorkers regarding Long Islanders)


• Make sure your arms & legs are 10% shorter than those of your Black counterpart.


• Squint. A lot. (reference: David Carradine in TV series "Kung Fu")


• Never ever use your dishwasher for anything besides storing dishes.


• If all else fails, throw a black mop on your head like Sean Connery's Bond in "You Only Live Twice" (Nancy Sinatra, I love that theme song!)

Disclaimer: Converting to Asianality (modern English allows one to turn any word into a noun by appending -ality to it; even another noun!) will not make you an instant classical musician. Piano and violin skills are inborn.

"my life is gonna be... beeeeeeyoooteeful"

Kids, I'm sure you know I was joking about the cymbal. Zildjians are my favorite and this particular Chinese Crash sounds fantastic. How fantastic? Imagine if Dean Martin were melted down to a bronze alloy, hand-hammered into an 18" disc, and polished to a glossy sheen. That's how fantastic (though maybe not so for Dino).

You'll recall months ago I mentioned my sister's band The Flying Club. Well they have released their CD! Check out their site as there are songs available for you to listen to. Good stuff.

Lastly, Suzi Mac tagged me for a blog meme-thing, or whateverthehellitscalled. Tis my first and thus I partake to mark the occasion. Rules below:
<sub>1. Go into your archive
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.</sub>

"For the most part I find him particularly unfunny." (regarding Will Ferrell).

Who's next? Probably no one but I'm tagging the Monkey King, Sara, Happy and Blue 2, L, and the Half Pint.

My Precious

A recent gift to us. It is... precious to me. (hey, what's Zildjian trying to say here? Zoom in and see)

It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
It lies behind stars and under hills,
And empty holes it fills.
It comes first and follows after,
Ends life, kills laughter.

Was trying to update my bloglinks but some funny things be happenin' with Blogger so, another time.