One day my blog will be scratch 'n sniff. Won't that be joyous? It'll coincide with my anticipated "public toilet reviews". Speaking of which I watched a History Channel show about space toilets (check out the video!) Crazy technologies involved and this doesn't even mention the future space station commodes that'll use teflon lined bags that are permeable to air but not solids nor liquids!

Cereal Review: Puffins (please clear your mind of the aforementioned section)
Barbara's Bakery Puffins cereal. Higher fiber, cinnamon flavored corn puffs (clever!). Tasty & wheat free for all you with "adverse reactions involving immunoglobulin E (IgE) antibodies to one or more protein fractions of wheat, including albumin, globulin, gliadin and glutenin (gluten)". That's gotta really suck; I've noticed they sneak wheat into everything. Anyway, buy this cereal because the company donates money towards endangered puffin populations. For those who need a refresher course, those are the clown-faced, flying penguiny looking birds. This fellow is an extremely rare puffin breed whose entire lower body has evolved to camouflage itself as an elderly white European lady! Unfathomable! I don't know how he flies.

dick

This past friday saw the U.S. vice president pay a visit to the state of New Jersey. Greeted by a tepid response to his introduction, Dick-TX147 attempted his favorite joke to loosen up the crowd. He adhered a caterpillar mustache to his upper lip, curled one side of his bionic mouth into his trademark sneersmile, and gave the 'heil hitler' salute. To his uncalculated dismay this only resulted in continued ennui by the indifferent general public.

"I am in what you humans would call good spirits", the half-man half-android snarled. "My (former) organization, Halliburton, has received over $10 billion of no-bid government contracts in the Middle East, and reports indicate robberies and assaults on Mexican & Salvadoran immigrants are at an all-time high in your state." "Violence is good. I use it, rather than food, for fuel", he/it continued. "The federal goverment's power and size are at all-time highs and your pathetic civil liberties are on the decline. Resistance is futile."

When these comments were met with further lethargy by the gathered crowd, Cheneybot's cybernetic eye flashed a bright red.
"Your refusal to respond does not compute; it brings my mandrill blood/WD-40 plasma suspension to a boil in my carbon-fiber reinforced veins," the mechanical man threatened in a monotone. "Perhaps time spent in a detention center with electrodes attached to your genitalia while being stacked in pyramids of naked humanity will teach you." The humanoid's guards then proceeded to corral all those who did not chant, "USA. USA." and display their magnetic yellow ribbon ID badges.

my world torn asunder

I've just recently learned that what I've always thought to be a cantaloupe is, in fact, a muskmelon!!! I am shaken to my very foundation.

Surely you've all noticed just how awful the food in Olive Garden commercials looks? C'mon! Even Domino's Pizza can make their shit look tasty in ads! And Olive Garden tries so hard to prove they're really Italian. Every TV commercial follows the same format. Some guy talking about his huge family: "When my REAL ITALIAN uncle Giancarlo comes to visit from ITALY, he always wants to eat REAL ITALIAN food. So we come to the Olive Garden where soup and breadsticks are free. Giancarlo loves their shrimp scampi chef boyardee fried chicken platter (insert picture of nauseating food). It tastes just like what his nana used to make in the Old Country." Or some such nonsense. Yucko.

His brains was like whoa

I've heard tell of an American who went to China to teach English classes. Upon his arrival he was shown to his living quarters, given packages of instant noodles, and left alone. Now seeing as how this gentleman spoke no Chinese and was, apparently, incredibly dumb, he knew not what to do with this food and proceeded to starve for 3-4 days until someone sorted him out. I have a sneaking suspicion the breadth of his students' knowledge of English spans no farther than 'Duuude!' to 'Whoa!'.

Hot Cereal Review: Quaker Oatmeal Supreme (special request!)
Violet, pregnantly ensconced in the upside-down wintry depths of New Zealand, requested some porridge-y reviews (as did some anonymous Scot). The weather here these days has transmuted from 'humid' to 'sweat stew' and I've therefore tried to avoid hot cereals. But I'm a trooper and will plumb the memory banks for my thoughts regarding Quaker Oatmeal Supreme. You know, if Quakerism involved shaking and shimmying due to one's love of cereal I'd sign up. And I think it might be entertaining if they made a Quaker Oatmeal X-treme line by adding in Mexican jumping beans, but I digress. This newer product is the ol' cereal lovin' religious nut-job brand's attempt at cracking into the lucrative "more wholesome, healthful, & pricy" breakfast market. I sampled the Apple-Raisin variety and speaking of nuts it was indeed more hearty, nutty, & yes, pricy. It's still made from rolled oats but the texture is more substantial. Much better than the average and I'd certainly be willing to try the other types come cold-weather morns.

Interesting note: Boiled water preparation is strictly verboten! Perhaps mandated by god? Use a microwave or "the spirit of Christ within" might just be an upset stomach. Well not really, but they warn it will be underdone.

TIME IS RUNNING OUT!!!

Tired of old or poor people living in small homes situated on prime real estate? Still trying to cram a 1 acre McMansion onto a 1/2 acre parcel of land? Then it's time you got with America's newest craze: Eminent Domain! Yes folks, if you have gobs of capital and no one to lord it over, you need eminent domain. Start by having local government declare a tract of land as "blighted". Next, claim it for "public use". Finally, slap down a parking lot, Sam's Club, or other institution that society simply cannot live without and watch the money come rolling in!
It's just that easy!!

What's that? You thought property had to be "dilapidated, deteriorated, or diseased" to be defined as "blighted"? Not so! Throw that dictionary away!! "Underutilized" lands also qualify! Let's say a 90 year old widow lives in a cottage by the shore that is only valued at $250,000. If you're a politically contributing billionaire developer, that nonagenarian is cockblocking your opportunity to build a $2 million townhouse on the same lot! Outrageous!! Tell the local government about your plight. Threaten them with cessation of future campaign contributions. In two shakes of a lamb's tail those politicians will have reclaimed granny's blighted bungalow for the "public's common good" (wink wink).

And don't fret about possible legal recourse. Check out the Supreme Court's Kelo decision! Listen, this is America, home of freedom. And what's more free than seizing other people's property and turning huge profits on them? If you've got money, considerably more than those around you, then eminent domain is for you! Act now!! Minimum-wage earning operators are standing by (aghast).

Fundamentalist lunatics

Best of luck to Londoners & England as they collect themselves; hopefully the casualties and damage is much less than anticipated. Sadly, in the state the world is in, such attacks probably cannot be averted with security measures, espionage, "Patriot Acts" and so on and so forth. There is plenty of blame to go around as to why things are the way they are but the immediate lion's share goes to radical nutjobs, which always seems the case throughout history. In time this form of extremism will die down, likely to be replaced by another, but I hope one day people will learn to peacefully coexist, not only with themselves but with the universe. More likely people will blow each other to kingdom come which, frankly, might be just as well.

Cotton is the new cotton/poly blend

Where's a good, cheap 50-50 cotton/poly blend t-shirt when I need one?

The Sudoku results have been tallied. 1 vote apiece says it's super, it sucks, & I suck. 2 people want their $2. The conclusion, therefore, is that I suck since that answer was submitted via the poll's email function and I don't have $4 to give away. I'm sure the Sudoku powers-that-be will be keen on learning of these results.

Cereal Review: Quaker's Honey Graham Oh's
Just a delectable cereal. In the past a blue-boxed Honey & Nut variety was available as well, but it was inferior and Quaker did the right thing by scrapping it. Oh's are crunchy corn rings filled with honey-grahamy, oat/nut/granola clusters. Honestly, I don't know if the outside is corn, nor do I care since the centers are what bring home the bacon. Speaking of bacon I recently learned that Reddi-Wip^© once offered something called Reddi-Bacon^{failed ©}. It was some toaster-enabled bacon product which, due to design malfunctions, tended to ignite consumers' toasters on fire with grease drippings.
"Honey Graham Oh's: tasty and we won't burn your house down"™.