Mr. Obvious Humor (this one's for you, David Cross & Jay Leno!)

Video card is on the fritz so I'll keep this short
My new high fiber, flax, & lactose diet is really paying dividends!
I just referred to "poop" as "dividends".
I'm not ready to write all these "tasty nuggets" during work hours. Maybe once I'm acclimated. The wrong first impression would leave a "real stain" on my reputation. This chocolate milk needs another "Hershey squirt" in it.

childhood aspirations

Do kids actually say to themselves, "when I grow up I wanna be paparazzo"? These paparazzi swarm like roaches. Where do they come from?

you can take that... to the bank. the blood bank.

NJ's up and running again, Poland's president has named his twin brother as prime minister, and Steven Seagal thinks he's a blues musician (I can't believe I quoted that fat fraud in my title). Seems like a good time to post a picture of me in front of Kenosha Wisconsin's crackerjack Mars' Cheese Castle. Summer sausages? Outtasight!!

NJ. Closed.

Today's rant-
   So New Jersey is currently shut down with only "essential" state employees on the clock. The reason is a budget deficit. Again (surprise!). Governor Corzine's proposed 1% sales tax increase is being stonewalled by his own party and things be gettin' ugly. Republicans, seeing a chance to bolster their position, are lashing out at whomever's in range. If NJ's leaders were any more inept they'd be declaring war on Iraq. Zing! Bottom line: no budget = no pay for state workers. Thus beaches, parks, casinos, etc. shut down and folks are bitching & moaning about their ruined summers. Obviously these are 'big picture' people.
   NJ loves taking out 30 year loans, borrowing from the future for a quick fix. If it's actually used to stop that sort of behavior, a 7% sales tax vs. 6% won't kill me. $.99 hamburgers will either drop to $.98 or increase to $1.03 so no one will have to deal with stupid pennies and my mental math will need to adjust; not so bad. There's actually a pretty easy solution to this entire crisis. SPEND LESS FUCKING MONEY!!!! I don't want to hear "300 schools get olympic size swimming pools and new laptops for every student". Nor "union employees retire at 55 with lifetime benefits for them & their families". Ditto "state gives (pro sports franchise) $500 mil. for new rent-free arena".
   If the pols try their best and yet, inconceivably, still can't pay for essential programs then raise the carbon/gas/fuel tax. It's not like people will stop driving. But they might ditch the behemoths in favor of fuel-efficient cars. This reads like a Hans Christian Anderson fairy tales doesn't it? Those always were gruesome stories.

Next week's rant- Aging multibillion dollar scoundrels who suddenly donate a sizeable portion of their wealth to philanthropic organizations in hopes of spit-polishing the shit off of their legacy and buying their way into heaven. It won't work, you jerkoffs!
Actually, there's not much more to say about it.

Whoop de damn doo (Nerd alert!)

A company finally decided to suck it up and hire me so I'm returning to the workforce performing career-related job duties! Yay! To give you an idea as to how long I've been out of "the Game" allow me to provide a reference point. During that time a Third Age passed in our world (well, it's that age when everyone gets married and buys homes) and the Ents conferred and opted to go off to war forcing the normally domestic Entettes to head to the factories. Upon returning from combat the workforce influx shifted their economic structure, hurdling them into a service-based society. Now, fully 2/3 of all your digital camera & printer troubleshooting questions are routed to their call centers. The helpdesk phone numbers are not toll-free either so be wary. Average call length is approx. 17 days (which is actually quite good in Ent-time).

And thank goodness I will soon have dental coverage again. My teeth are gettin' crowded. I'm not talking "saturday afternoon at the Jersey mall" crowded, I'm talking "portapotties at a 3 day all-you-can-eat Olestra chili & bran muffin jamboree" crowded. The culprits are 3 impacted wisdom teeth. When I got my first wisdom tooth yanked it was a disaster of Biblical proportions. I think I saw locusts. Or cicadas or something. It was a terrible ordeal but I certainly had no plans of doing that Tom Hanks 'Castaway' shit either. This time I'll insist the oral surgeon gas me. Which reminds me, Happy Independence Day! Even to all you countries out there under the thumb of occupational forces from a foreign nation whose administration is attempting to curb the free press, a key element to the checks and balances system of a democracy. I'm sure plenty of firecrackers will be shot off though AK-47s will probably do in a pinch. Remember, Safety first.

quality

And now, courtesy of Mr. Cheeks' Lights, Camera, Action!, a lyrical excerpt for your enjoyment:
"Dances around, she struts with the fuck-walk,
touches her toes, and she can make her butt talk".

By the way, Textures has released a new album!! Their site has free songs for you to download. They also have a new singer and he's better than the last. I'd describe them as a more accessible Meshuggah; lotta polyrhythms but with some melody thrown in. I like 'em even if they have been dubbed "the best metal band from the Netherlands". I mean, what else is there to compare with besides The Gathering and After Forever? These bands are all so far removed on the metal spectrum it's like comparing roasted chicken gizzards, pretzels, & edible underwear. They may all be tasty but that's about where the similarities end. Ahem, at least I've heard they're all tasty. I've yet to try pretzels. Oh!(ba dum tschhh!)

It's over

And the NBA season couldn't have ended in a more abhorrent fashion. Dwyane Wade's fantastic but it's impossible to stomach Alonzo Mourning. Such a colossal jerk that Shaq almost seems ok in comparison. So what's to be learned from this hoops season?
A. the dress code- It's old hat and was dissected nicely by Monkey Migraine months ago but here's a quick recap: 1.) NBA players were required to wear business casual clothes to league-related functions causing a stink amongst players. 2.) that's it.

I thought the dress code was great because it taught kids three valuable lessons. 1. Judge a book by its cover. That's right, kids. Prudish white businessmen were scared because the league's full of 'thuggish' black folk. Also there happened to be a huge player/fan brawl in Detroit last year (Who wouldn't want to get into a fight in Detroit? It looks like it could be "brawl capital of the world"). By dressing players in khakis & polo shirts on bus/plane rides to arenas this aberrant behavior was stopped dead in its tracks.
2. You can't fight city hall. The Man can do anything he wants to you and if you've got a problem with it he'll give you the shaft. The sooner kids learn this life lesson the sooner they can drop that "naive" stuff and just grow old and wait for death like the rest of us.
3. Business casual includes "dress jeans". ¿Qué?
B. the women's league- The professional women's game is better paced than the men's and plays much closer to that of the Average Joe's non-athletic-freak-of-nature style. Also the women earn reasonable paychecks and actually interact with the real world. However they'll have a hard time reaching a broader audience when guys like Shaq & Charles Barkley constantly demean it. What a strange mixed message comissioner Stern is sending.
C. fans- As long as you score 81 points in a game you probably can rape to your heart's content. I wonder who drive intoxicated more, male pro athletes or hollywood actors?
D. I was wrong- I was wrong in ways unimaginable about the playoffs. Holy hell were my predictions off! As Linus proclaimed in The Great Pumpkin, "Just wait till next year!!!"

computer time will be scarce this week (again)

al-Zarqawi's dead. Hooray! Hooray USA! All is right with the world again and I believe I just saw the ozone layer replenish itself. Right above a new colony of Passenger Pigeons!
Did You Know?
Lesser known than the Patriot Act, but even more important at striking fear in the hearts of Islamist Extremists bent on the destruction of 'freedom' in this world, is the Hooray USA Act which also spawned from the sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. Brief passages are excerpted below:

-For the next 7 years 2 months or until a Democrat takes office, it is a criminal offense to criticize the federal government, Texas, or any Tom Cruise or Carrottop movies (G.W. luvs 'em) unless you are a rich White corporate executive. OTHERWISE THE TERRORISTS WIN.

-For the subsequent 2 sports seasons pro athletes may not be referred to as heroes, nor shall they describe the games they play as "wars" nor their teammates as "soldiers". If possible, pro athletes must abuse human growth hormones. OTHERWISE THE TERRORISTS WIN. At baseball.

-Police officers, including meter maids, must be deemed "real heroes". Terrorizing US citizens is THEIR jobs, not some raghead's. O.T.T.W.

-US citizens' vehicles must be adorned with magnetic ribbons. Failure of the owners to do so must result in violence against both the vehicle and the vehicle's owner to teach them allegiance. O.T.T.W. AGAIN.

-Should a leader of an 'Axis of Evil' nation attempt to obtain nuclear capabilities, the president must refuse to engage in talks with said leader. He may only engage in talks regarding "nuke-ular capabilities". O.T.T.W.A.

-US citizenry must continue about their lives no differently than they did pre-attack. Acceptable behavior includes: American Idol or Will & Grace viewing, purchasing teeny dogs or oil-hungry oversized homes & sport utility vehicles (tax breaks provided to those who do all the above), hating soccer, receiving tattoos- lower back suns for women or tribal armbands for men though upside-down Chinese characters acceptable for both genders, truncating names and word structures (eg. Terminator 2=T2, Sept. 11=9/11, Merv Griffin=M.Grif), wearing religious crosses as decorative jewelry. O.T.T.W.

Cereal Review: Kashi Organic Promise Cinnamon Harvest
I must admit I'm starting to like this Kashi stuff. Cinnamon Harvest contains but 4 ingredients!! Organic whole wheat, organic evaporated cane juice, organic cinnamon, & natural cinnamon flavor. It's even certified organic by Quality Assurance International. I have no idea what that means. Since this cereal's not mineral fortified, there's little going on in the nutrients dept: fiber, protein, potassium, & iron. Just as nature intended. I don't recall stories of 6'6" cavepeople living to 110 years old. I'll get my vitamin C from an orange or something. I don't know where the hell riboflavin comes from. Anyway KOPCH is some tasty cinnamon-y shredded wheat. Good enough for this snaggletoothed dying midget.

a shame

Latin jazz pianist Hilton Ruiz died last week after suffering a serious accident last month. 54. The guy had serious skills. And talent.

Yeah, but where's your dignity?

Here's a story about a fellow who received numerous free credits for a music download service named Sony Connect. This guy thought, "what a little slice of heaven. I'll be able to legally obtain delightful songs like 'Contagious' by Y&T, 'Hold Me Now' by the Thompson Twins, and UTFO's 'Pick Up the Pace'". Their free proprietary software SonicStage would be his "Key to the Golden City". But it turns out the city was actually Camden, NJ. This experience, I imagine, is not unlike being given a pet as a gift. A cuddly pet that'll never learn to behave and will keep shitting inside your house. Sure it looks adorable and is full of such wonderful potential that you shower it with love but it keeps crapping all over your house!!! Actually this analogy stinks but suffice to say, SonicStage is shitting all over my computer.

Its problems are too numerous to mention and Sony tech support is no goot. Once, their recommendation broke my computer further forcing me into heavy investigation which eventually led to my fixing the problem. I guess that counts as 'help'. By and large though Sony tech support's way of dealing with complaints is to shovel more free download credits at me. Everyone's got a price. Mine's the Andrews Sisters' 'Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy'.

Oh and you know what else sucks? Funky Winkerbean. That comic strip blows more than a broke, toothless crackwhore.

On a more pleasant note, Happy and Blue2 is back! Check out his new site (not the old, cybersquatted one).
Also, if you like reading about food in Japan, please take a look at Kenny's blog.

Remember,

if you value your movie watching experience, dear god do not read a Time magazine review of the film beforehand!! It can lead only to surprise spoilers and misery. 1940s cinema-goers ready to paint the town red during that trying era, on their way out the door to the moving pictures show, probably glanced in their mailboxes only to be greeted with the blaring headline "Rosebud was his sled!". As the saying goes, Time waits for no Man (to first watch a movie before ruining key parts).

Cereal Review: Quaker's Chocolatey Peanut Butter Crunch
To say I was disappointed would be inaccurate as I've experienced previous failed Cap'n Crunch attempts at chocolate (Choco-Crunch) so I knew what to expect. Plus regular Cap'n Crunch contributed to my "Great Vomit Incident of '85". Still, I love Peanut Butter Crunch and, well, one never knows for sure. Alas, this product rates but a "met expectations". If you truly are hankering for a chocolate/peanut butter cereal kapow, opt for General Mills' Reese's Puffs.

Telltale sign

If a guy calls a woman a 'ho' or refers to her 'jugs' or her 'can', chances are he's a closet farmer. Also check if his boots are coated in manure. In this 2nd instance, if he's NOT a farmer then good god what the fuck is he doing?!!

Here's one of the few jokes I can remember:
This couple had an excellent relationship until one day the man came home from work to find his girlfriend packing. He asked her why she was leaving him and she said she had heard awful things about him.
"What could they possibly have said to make you move out?"
"They told me that you were a pedophile."
He replied, "That's an awfully big word for a ten year old."

And finally, Nets, get your act together! I cannot accept you guys losing to Alonzo Mourning.

6/6/6

To the left is an unretouched newspaper photo of the current pope. Goddamn he's a frightening looking figure! Don't tell me he's not giddy about the impending 6/6/06 this summer.


Extra!
As stated earlier, the Battle of Westernized Soy Milk has but 2 major combatants. However it would be pure folly to overlook piddling insurgents. ZenSoy is one such outlier. For consistency's sake, vanilla was again the flavor of choice. ZenSoy's viscosity falls directly between those of the 2 champs. Perfect! It's "pricepoint" (whew, when did English become such a stupid language?) is lower than both as well. The problem is ZenSoy's overpowering vanilla flavor. It's got "Big Dumb American Palate" written all over it. This brand is probably the soymilk of choice in Hollywood. Still, since it's relatively cheap, one could always purchase a carton of regular & one of vanilla and mix the two. Silk & 8th Continent better not get complacent.