"In the yeeeaar two thouuusand (and ten)"...

Before the decade's out I predict:

1. The Catholic Church will release a line of women's underwear brand-named "Ooooo, Miles Standish!"


2. I will trade in my Nissan for one of those George Jetson flying suitcase jobbers.


3. Paula Abdul songs will be back in vogue.


4. Scientists will learn the moon really IS made of cheese. But it's not green. It's Lindberger. Peeyoo! (sp?)


5. Schwarzenegger's next catchphrase will be "Dadgum, Elvis wasn't kidding".


6. Christopher Reeve will walk again!


7. In a surprise upset Motley Crue will win the Nobel Peace Prize. "(Jimmy Carter) don't go away mad, just go away".


8. Iraqis will create a weeklong Muslim holiday dedicated to G.W. Bush, praising him for plunging their country into civil war. It will be celebrated with Carvel Cookiepuss ice cream cakes and by playing kick the can. What a great game! Nothing sez democracy like hiding, then running around and kicking a can.


9. Sears Roebuck's BC5000 (Baby Cloner Five Thousand) will be the top Christmas gift 3 years running!


10. Cats will only have three legs. Bank on it.

Some of these may be a little far-fetched but when you've got the vision, you've got the vision! "Blowing kisses in the wind, waiting waiting waiting..."

C'mon, tell me, what do you foresee?

Sucker-punching Stevie Wonder

When I sprint up or down stairs I have an inherent fear I will slip and fall face first into the metal armrails, impaling my eyeball. I've envisioned it many times and it makes me queasy just writing about it. True, I can be a bit of a klutz, though I don't think nearly to that extent. So why does this thought occupy my brain? I suspect I must have an underlying fear of blindness. Which would also explain why I'm always cold-cocking those visually-impaired gents with the seeing eye dogs. Court hearing is tomorrow. Time to practice my "but your honor, he was giving me dirty looks" look. It's tough cuz I can't get the puppy dog eyes. Curse these narrow Asian lids!

Special Shoutout: R.I.P. Frank Gorshin, the Riddler from the 60's Batman TV series.

Cereal Review: Trader Joe's Maple Pecan Clusters (I know you've missed these. I'll get back up to snuff once things quiet down for me).
If you've a Trader Joe's grocery store near you I urge you to patronize it. That is, give it your business, not talk down to the building. They sell good stuff for good prices and without any member card/gov't is tracking your every move crap. Amongst this assorted goodness is their cereals. I will focus on their Maple Pecan Clusters today. Various corn and oat flakes mixed with chunks of honey/maple clusters and pecans. The name is quite self-explanatory. Good price, great taste! I sound like a pitchman do I not? I'm available for hire. Are you listening Trader Joe's?!

Seventeen

No time today so I'll just post lyrics from a Winger song. hahaha! Gross...

Yeahh I saw sparks fly, from the corner of my eye
And when I turned, it was love at first sight
I said please excuse me, I didn't catch your name
Ohhhhh it'd be a shame not to see you again
And just when I thought she was comin' to my door
She whispered sweet and brought me to the floor, she said
I'm only seventeen, but I'll show you love like you've never seen
She's only seventeen, daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me
Come to my place, we can talk it over, ohhhhh everything going down in your head
She said take it easy, I need some time, time to work it out, to make you mine
And just when I thought she was comin' to my door
She whispered sweet and brought me to the floor, she said
I'm only seventeen, you ain't seen love, ain't seen nothing like me
She's only seventeen, seventeen
(Solo)
Yeahh such a bad girl, loves to work me overtime
Feels good (ha), dancin' close to the borderline
She's a magic mountain, she's a leather glove
Oh she's my soul, it must be love
She's only seventeen, still she gives me love, like I've never seen
She's only seventeen, daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me
She's everything I need, daddy says she's too young
But she's old enough, old enough for me

"He doesn't like you. I don't like you either."

With so much recent talk concerning North Korea and Iran possibly possessing nuclear weaponry, George W. Bush was asked at a weekend press conference to provide a status report on the multi-multi-billion dollar Star Wars Strategic Defense Initiative. Bush replied, "I believe everyone's well aware that it'll be ready by May 19th. I've received no news regarding the X-wing fighters but I wouldn't have endorsed the reactivizazate, the reactificatio..., the restartin' of this plan if I wasn't excited about seeing a Death Star soon. That thing's awesome! But for this kinda money there really needs to be more Jar Jar Binks. I love that little fella."

When asked by a puzzled audience whether he might be confusing the SDI program with the impending Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith film release, Bush stood agape for 2 minutes before pulling a replica laser blaster from his side and pretending to fire into the crowd making fake "psheww, psheww" laser noises. He then proceeded to dive into what appeared to be a nearby garbage chute but which was, in actuality, just a dumpster at the neighboring Wawa's convenience mart. Security agents quickly pulled him from the refuse.

A series of unfortunate events

Due to some serious busyness recently I've been unable to post, nor visit all the other lovely blogs, as frequently as I'd like. I've added some blog-links at the bottom of the list and will continue to do so when time permits.

My shoulder pain has spread to my upper back and secret informants tell me either my earlobes or buttocks will be next, depending on which direction the evil forces swerve.

My WindowsME P.O.S. refuses to talk to both my Linux & XP machines. That's like a strung-out, child-molesting hobo turning his nose up at Gandhi & De Niro, respectively (I'm talking latter, "Meet the Fockers" De Niro though, not the early "Raging Bull" one). It's also quite a slap in the face for an IT poseur like myself.

And to complete the shaftage, my browser icon, which I use to quicklink to my blog, has suddenly turned into the FOX network logo! Woe is me...

Mondale '84!

Recently I subjected myself to the beige-sounding, plain-vanilla vocal 'stylings' of a Clay Aiken musical performance courtesy of Disney's Aladdin DVD. If I'm not mistaken he was an American Idol reject who lost to some fat dude that everyone hated. Now, I wouldn't classify Clay's singing as atrocious since he was able to sustain a tune and that automatically puts him a tiny, centipedal step above the likes of Ashlee Simpson (his bone structure is probably more feminine too. He kinda looks like a younger, female (K.D. Lang!). However, the word unremarkable suits him to a T.

I cannot say whether he is considered a pop music 'star' these days for two reasons: I am out of the pop music loop of late and I don't understand what sort of impact the reality TV phenomenon has on the general, music-buying public. What I can assume however, is that the only reason he has any fanbase at all is due to the very fact he IS so generic, thus providing the Wal-Mart sect a brief reprieve from the hoochie-mama/wigger Mickey Mouse Club Alumni pop alternatives. This is a sad state of affairs indeed. Of course, this may be a moot point if American Idol is already off the air and I'm talkin' yesterday's 'news'. Wait! Why didn't anyone tell me Walter Mondale lost the presidential election?!!

Guest Cereal Review: Cream of Wheat
Sara says "it is definitely a lot like wet sand. The similarity in consistency is uncanny." Who am I to argue?

Hair. Failure!

What's the story with ingrown hairs? They should be able to figure out for themselves how to break through skin. During a hair's "life" there is but one necessary accomplishment; protruding through the skin's surface. Everything else is gravy. Get on the ball you guys!

Cereal Review: Kashi Go Lean Crunch
Imagine if you will, Neolithic Man sitting in his cave eating Honey Smacks^© from a crude, stone bowl. Picture him only finishing half of the cereal and leaving the rest to petrify until our modern day. That approximates the Go Lean Crunch experience. It tastes pretty good but you'd better have had your fluoride treatments and daily calcium supplements. Otherwise a bowl of this stuff will leave you looking like a Detroit Red Wings defenseman; ugly and gaptoothed.
Plus, what's with the dumb name?

desperate housewives

I saw desperate housewives the other day and I don't understand all the hubbub. One lady was in a rush to pick up her clothes from the drycleaner before it closed. Another was vocally upset that the sale item fruit juices were out of stock. A third cut in front of me at the bank because she needed to rush her child to piano lessons. Even if she'd accidentally slipped on a banana peel, which might be amusing, it still wouldn't constitute watercooler talk in my opinion.

Fake Fakt Friday (crap I like to make up)
Former US Vice President Spiro Agnew was sent away to a mental institution for 2 years following the Watergate scandal of the 70's Nixon administration. He had suffered a nervous breakdown and was exhibiting symptoms of 'acute frontal lobe dimentia'. On occasion he would role-play and assume an alternate personality. Val Kilmer's character Madmartigan from the movie "Willow" is based on this very personality!

In with a roar, out with a whimper

So I foolishly believed the NJ Nets would win not one but TWO games vs. the Miami Heat. I also reasoned that the team (excepting Krstic & RJ who were outstanding) would NOT play as though auditioning for a Living Dead movie. Silly, I know! (sniff)

Check this out. The 'pregnant women' & 'back-injured' I get. But too fat to clip your own nails? Time to re-evaluate your life maybe. And $79!?! Exploitation!