Vince Carter

It was a fun little fling having you as a Net. You're a nice guy but you can't hack it. Peace...

Bible Fight

Good times! Good times!
Lucky I turned on Cartoon Network yesterday...

crossover

What exactly is a "crossover SUV" anyway? It sounds suspiciously like a new, wordier way of saying "SUV".

Traffic Rules

Here's a quick refresher course for those shit drivers out there too lazy to Netflix the film Moving Violations starring Bill Murray's brother.

-It's only okay to ride up another car's ass in the fastlane, otherwise there's this concept called "passing".
There are 2 exceptions to this rule:
superslow drivers must be chased to the right lane by any means necessary
and in rush hour, tailgating is acceptable in the 2nd leftmost lane as well.

-When you spot a copcar, that DOES NOT MEAN you should slow down 10 miles below the speed limit.

-Sorry gramps, turn in your license. And keys. Because we know you're just going to forget you don't have a license anyway. And you'll forget your glasses. And which pedal is the gas. And...

-And lastly, NEVER STOP YOUR CAR DEAD IN THE MIDDLE OF A LANE SO YOU CAN TALK ON YOUR CELLPHONE!!!. And if I ever find you again lanky white guy in the maroon Scion Xa with the county college sticker on the lower left corner of your rear window, I am going to rip your nose off with a pair of pliers.

Happy & safe driving! :)

I forgot what I was gonna bitch about

So instead here's a new rant until I can remember. The YES network blows!! That's the channel that's supposed to broadcast Yankees & Nets. The Nets are currently engaged in NBA playoff games and the channel bumps them for stupid first of the month baseball? In the words of Mark Jackson, "C'mon YES! You're better than that!!". Fuckers.

Reviews of the Mundane: Cereal

Barbara's Bakery Honey Rice Puffins. With my dairy crisis still in full effect, cereal consumption has been seriously curtailed. If the "normal" amount of cereal I eat is akin to the majestic Niagara Falls, then this whole milk problem has been like Humanity throttling the flow of the cascades in his attempt to slow erosion to the great cataract. I love cobbling together shitty similes.

Anyway, I'd remembered the Cinnamon Puffins being tasty and reasoned the Honey Rice ones would be as well. And this is where logic failed me. Perhaps it's because I've had to resort to rice milk and it's rice overkill (doubtful as there is no such thing as "Rice Overkill" to the Chinese), or maybe it just kinda sucks, but I've been pretty disappointed and it's turned into an "eat it so as not to waste food" thing. It's pricy too and not particularly healthy. What was I thinking? Tsk...

Some funny fake news sites

To while away the hours...

The Borowitz Report

The Onion (of course!)

and Humorfeed, an assortment of others.

It Never Ends

Work's been unrelenting and blogging has fallen by the wayside. But today with a brief moment I figured I'd attempt to combine the two by listing some of my favorite spam sender names, addresses, & content that I've been parsing through, truncated slightly to prevent my page being blacklisted or some crap. Compelling.

senders:
offset@flockoftacos_
ambushingclobbering@protectgiraffes_
funforfood.com@elmarwan_
"Waterworks K. Clewed"
"Reciprocating A. Banana"

subject: snowflake infidelity

body: Champagne is for rich people and basketball fans without OCD.I mean a bad, 'what the hell am I doing here?I've also set up TiVo alternate between the various late night programming. Nobody wants to see Alan Arkin in anything resembling his birthday suit.Person: Autogarage 2.Since we recently joined NetFlix, we should have a definitive answer soon.If you're not willing to compromise just a little on matters of age, or relatedness, or inherent sexual preference, then there's little hope for you. Sometimes, even TiVo can't save me from myself.

Something happened yesterday that changed my life.(For the record, I'm not suggesting my illness was a 'plumbing emergency'. (For the record, I don't even own a gaudy scarf. So I told the TiVo to tape those. Though it may have led to a couple, at the fevered height of its run.I've got a Wishlist for example, that only records movies from 2005 - 2007 that are comedies.Which is to say, it made me plenty squeamish.It's like an extra, unpaid, after-hours, compulsive job now.

Then I gave the Pickapeppa a good shake, up-and-down, and poured it on, too. Zu hohe Kontraste, z.Otherwise, you're in the dark.And life took a turn again.Wake up refreshed, do some more work, take another nap."The day there's no hot sauce in my fridge is the day they pry the last nacho from my cold, dead fingers.The whitest thing in front of me was my reflection in the window. But it's a solid 'Plan B'.And not a good kind of cry, like at Field of Dreams, either. I don't know what you do when you disappear in there to get ready in the morning.

Gotta Git It!

As promised, my new "Gotta Git It!" segment will include pictures of items listed in my (now numerous) As Seen On TV catalogs which I receive in the mail on a weekly basis.

I highly recommend

for any of you American born Asians out there, the graphic novel American Born Chinese by Gene Yang, especially if you're still in your formative years. So many of the fundamental elements of it will probably hit very close to home.
Actually, it's quite funny and the artwork kinda cool so ethnicity be damned, give it a quick look. I've heard mention there's something similar for all you Desis out there but hell if I know what it is.
Stay strong peoples, have a good one.

where have all the flowers gone?

I'm "sure" that is what you've been wondering about me, only replace 'flowers' with 'cereal reviews'. I've neglected to mention anything about it but the unpleasant truth is, somehow over the course of the last few months milk has betrayed me. I seem unable to consume it anymore in significant (read: cereal-eatin') quantities without suffering severe stomach pains and much bowel-ular agony.^†

Obviously this is god punishing me for some perceived infraction. Were I a religious man, I'd probably give up god for Lent. Anyway, I've tried rebuilding tolerance, sampled alternatives such as: soymilk, ricemilk, lactose-free milk, goat's milk might be next, but to no avail. Apparently god is not so easily fooled. I've ruled out the lactose though, perhaps there's wacky hormones being pumped in there now, I dunno. Organic milk tests are as yet inconclusive but wouldn't that be ironic (or something), that it's actually Man playing god by manipulating the cows that's fucking me over.

Regardless, as with most experiments conducted on one's self, the results have ranged from 'awful' to 'meh?', but have not been terribly successful. And this whole ordeal has really put a damper on my cereal-eatin', believe me the boxes haved piled up. I've even had to resort to more oatmeal which is like a fisherman losing both his arms and now needing to learn to cast with his feet. Ok, it's not like that at all but you get the picture (which probably isn't of me sitting at a table not being able to fully enjoy my cereal but rather of an armless man sitting in a boat with rod and reel between his toes. And how the hell did he get out in the middle of a lake like that?! He must've learned to row with his feet as well that resourceful chap, unless it's a paddleboat, which you probably didn't first envision when reading this and have now just sneakily revised the image in your head.)

Plus, this new Blogger may be flaking on me a bit. But chin up! Those As Seen On TV pics are coming.


_{^†While looking for a synonymous adjective to the word 'bowel' (other than 'intestinal') look what I found: Middle English, from Old French boel, from Latin botellus, small intestine, diminutive of botelus, SAUSAGE!}

"sweet... sweetness!"

I just received a catalog filled exclusively with 'As Seen On TV' items!! Stay tuned. A new segment with pictures soon to follow.

Our Golden Era

Want to show your age, grampa? Turn a key to fire up your wagon! With many automobile manufacturers now touting pushbutton ignition systems in their vehicles, can zero-emission hovercars be far behind? What other technological marvels are peeking at us from around the corner? Bet on the following five:

1. Pushbutton flies for your trousers - Guys all hate fumbling with the zipper when it's time to make yellow. And the designer of those "button-flies" was hauled off in a straightjacket a long time ago. But with the pushbutton fly, just depress the red switch on the end of the slider and watch the automated system unzip itself! Go to the bathroom in style!

2. Hammer with USB-powered GPS system - Ever been in that scenario where you really need to hammer something but you're lost on the backroads of megalopolisville? Ditto. That was the thinking that inspired this brainchild. It's a hammer but with a built-in state-of-the-art GPS unit in the head. (USB cable not included)

3. Auto-hinge eyeglass frames - Automate everything!^™ These beautiful frames are equipped with the latest nano technology. Pressure-sensitive gyros tell the unit when they are being worn & when they are being removed. Two seconds upon removal, the auto-hinge^© activates and folds up the earpieces! No muss, no fuss!

4. iPod flavored Lucky Charms - Being a child these days is no easy task. Peer pressure. Fast-paced technology. It's enough to drive you Cuckoo for Cocoapuf... (oops). Make sure your kids start the day off right with this hip new line of cereal. It's like they're eating technology!^™ Fortified with 14 essential vitamins & nutrients, iPod flavored Lucky Charms come in black, white, shuffle, nano, and video flavors* complete with iPod shaped marshmallows. _{(*warning: utensils may not be fully compatible with all varieties. Check with manufacturer)}

5. Ignition System for PCs - Overclockers & techgeeks rejoice! If you really want to rev up your gaming rig, ditch the pushbutton on/off switch and install this new ignition system on your PC. Be the bad-ass at the next LAN party and leave your foes in the dust. Just insert the key, give it a crank, wait for Windows to boot up, and get ready to burn up the information superhighway.