booty

I take comfort knowing I have enlightened so many to the impropriety of ass-end toweling.

Something else that comforts me is knowing in times of crises there'll always be looters. No matter the scale of tragedy nor the degree of difficulty to reach merchandise, expect a bunch of ratty lookin' folk to despoil shops and steal armfuls of toilet plungers & size 40 dresses. Why, centuries ago during the plague groups of serfs probably ransacked local shanties to make off with bountiful supplies of cow dung & maggoty bread! I sneakingly suspect these folks don't actually need a crisis at all to get 'looty'. Try loitering with them one sunday afternoon and suddenly ask if they'd rather go for a stroll in the park, get a Carvel ice cream cone, or go plunder the local dollar store. My money's on option 3. Luckily during this hurricane those huge stolen dresses will fit nicely their bloated dead bodies as they float down main street.

Glomgold's Guide to Livin' Easy - Part I

The staff here at GodHasWheels, LLC. (god & me, his voicebox) has been pondering ways to reward its loyal readers. After very little thought it was decided a compilation of tips designed to simplify daily living would be best, seeing as it costs me nary a cent. Plus everyone loves lists, except for those that hate 'em. Indifferent folk don't count. Feel free to share these pointers with friends and family.

1. Only buy a towel if it has a tag. This way, when drying yourself after bathing, you immediately know which end is for your ass and which for your face (NOT THE SAME END). Believe me, I've had tagless towels and after wracking my brain I was forced to dry my face with the middle.


2. Remember that Coca-Cola, not love, is the key to all happiness. Skeptical? Turn on the TV.


3. A promise kept will almost always be reciprocated. Unless it was your 763 lb. neighbor Rocco's promise to "make your brown-eye black & blue". Stay away Rocco!! I have mace!!!


4. If you work with a Muslim take credit for all of his work. The world hates Muslims! If he's an Arab you can probably steal his wallet too.


5. Should your spouse say to you, "go pick up some milk from the store, I would do it but I'm too busy having sex", if you're not the one being sexed don't get the milk. Get a bat.


6. Another drink will most certainly make the pain of life go away forever. Bottoms up.


7. Women and children first? That's what the Nazis said! Men, on a sinking ship give the kid a lollipop and steal his life preserver. Ladies, watch out for crazed men bearing lollipops. You've just hit an iceberg for pete's sake, no time for Dum Dums. Not even the cream soda ones.


8. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But it if does kill you, you're not stronger. You're dead.


9. Gimli said "Never trust an elf!" and he was right. One christmas do you know what I got in my stocking? A fucking CHARLIE-in-the-box!!


10. Lose the pornstache.


11. Wash darks and whites separately; darks in cold wash and whites in hot. But use cold rinse for both because it'll save energy. Hydrogen peroxide is great for fresh blood stains but does nothing for the stray body parts of your dismembered human victims.

Hope these help. Cheers!

I killed!!

Back on the ball, thanks for the kind words folks and spammerbots. Mentally and emotionally I'd readied myself for a job with a company I was actually excited about! (no, not a cereal company) I shit you not when I say I KILLED on the technical interview. KILLED. Maybe my would-be peer felt threatened, maybe companies are now in the business of "not hurting feelings". I don't care for the ol' "you're overqualified" bit. Thanks ultramega-globocorps for your concern but I'd rather that were for me to decide. I can coast like a union worker if needs be. I don't even need an old incompetent fellow with seniority to tell me! Actually companies should be thanking me for not taking the torch to 'em.

Regardless, I've had to restore equilibrium and regather momentum (damn you Newton!) and thus blogging's been minimal. Plus my wrists have been killing me (almost literally) for awhile now having recently caused a near 'face-smashing with cast iron dumbells' incident. This was capped nicely by some subtle racism at the dumb Motor Vehicles. I really had planned on smiling for the new digital license. Well, at least if I ever go postal and am on the lam this new license photo will look tops plastered on the evening news. Ok, no more bitching and moaning today because that mood just doesn't lend itself well to cold cereal and 80's hair metal. Excelsior!

(Oh, and there will be a leap second at the end of this year unless the Bush folks have their way. They want an 80 year delay and a leap minute instead).

"It's been a long time

I shouldn't have left you
without a strong rhyme to step to
think of how many weak shows you slept through
time's up, I'm sorry I kept you"

I've nothing to say cuz I'm bummed. I may bore you with the details another day.
In the meantime, check out one of my favorite comic strips, Tom the Dancing Bug. A shame it's not carried in my local paper. There's an old one, maybe still in the archives, making fun of George Lucas' chinbeard. If I ever find it I'll link it. Be sure to browse the archives, many more that are very funny.

someone made a store just for meee...

Cereal Review:
Recent surveys indicate US consumers not only are willing to try generic brands but often even prefer their taste over national brands. In the spirit of cheap alternatives and/or conformity I sampled a box of Master Choice Woodland Berries Granola cereal (WBG for short), part of supermarket chain A&P's premium product line.

A&P's owned by The Great Atlantic & Pacific Tea Company. They also own many other chains such as Walbaum's and Food Emporium, which has possibly the CATCHIEST jingle known to Man (close rival: Mt. Airy Lodge). If you've never heard it before you're either to be pitied or envied, not sure which. Actually A&P, or at least A&P Canada, was recently purchased by some shadowy conglomerate named Metro Inc. for 100 bajeeellion dollars (US). It probably is also in the process of buying Swaziland, Uranus (ha ha), and star systems Aldebaran, Spica, & Omicron-1 CMa though not if Starbucks has their say first.

"Son, do you see that star cluster yon? That is Ursa Venti, the Great Bear. And there is Orion the Dark Roasted Blend".

If you are confused by all this capitalist intrigue it is because I cannot properly relay this information when I don't fully understand global & corporate politics. Plus I'm making some of this shit up. For deeper analysis of this subject matter read this post by Rainypete. Now let's revisit something we are familiar with, yes?

WBG is an all-natural, preservative free product of Canada. It consists of very fatty honey & brown sugar granola clusters and dried raspberries & blueberries. If you're a fan of truly sour fruit then boy-o is this your cereal! I'm certain this was some master plan by Canada to foist their leftover sour berries onto unsuspecting USAers. Drat you Canadians and your quirky sense of humor. I've been had! Well, there's nothing a few well-placed spoonfuls of unhealthy white refined sugar can't cure and by the time I'm done shovellin' it's like eating a bowl of Sour Patch Kids. Type 2 Diabetes here I come!! To artificially inflate the supersour WBG's volume one can also buy a box of generic corn flakes (which definitely tastes no different than name brand corn flakes) and mix it in. I'm not sure why you'd want to prolong this experience though unless you're a glutton for punishment. Luckily I am!

I bless the rains down in africa

Came across this in the online dictionary:
in toto (adv.) = in total. One uses this when trying to trick ladies into thinking one's Jeff Porcaro. Ex.>Hey baby. For me, in toto, my favorite song's 'Africa'. Horny? Let's go for a roll in the hay.

Seinfeld Snippets
JERRY: So, Ceausescu. He must've been some dictator.
KATYA: Oh yes. He was not shy about dictating.
JERRY: He, uh, he must've been dictating first thing in the morning. "I want a
cup of coffee and a MUFFIN!!"

Cereal Review: Life
Quaker's Life cereal in Honey Graham, Cinnamon, & regular flavors. Chex-like in texture and shape. They look like they should taste better than they do. In the 60's Milton Bradley created The Game of Life^†. On the cover was Art Linkletter (of Kids Say the Darndest Things fame) stating he, "heartily endorsed this game". I do not feel Mr. Linkletter would heartily endorse this cereal, but it's not bad.
†_{don't buy the auto insurance; it's a scam!}

Blogs I've finally gotten around to adding:
Fellow cereal-head Cereal Jones at The Cereal World.
Also hear Allison at Lake Allison expound on rabies, the plague, & other assorted goodies.

Scopes Monkey Trial, out the window!

UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE the number of radio callers advocating teaching "intelligent design" ie. "creationism lite (CL)" in schools. It's not like I live in some backwoods shack here and even if I did Abe Lincoln turned out ok. If nothing else, this administration has succeeded in bringing out religious nutjobs around the globe. And perverting language.

There's all this talk about evolution and CL being alternate 'theories'. How about this: evolution as 'scientific law' and CL as 'random guess'. If time were available I'd say debate the two. Scientific method insists one try to disprove a hypothesis, then theory, and if unable to THEN it becomes law. This was taught in middle school science; perhaps since my days it's been replaced with: "the world is 6,000 years old. Fossils are a lie manufactured by Toys R Us". I don't know. Anyway, for sane people evolution would withstand the CL barrage. An added benefit? These debates would flush out who are the crazies to avoid in the hallways for the rest of the year.

The problem is there's no time during the truncated "American" school year to even teach the current curriculum. And they want to add in this neo-con horseshit? "Screw Shakespeare. Let's discuss how all of humanity is inbred from those 2 original-sinners" (Man is made in god's image? Does that mean god is inbred?! Actually mutations probably can't exist in CL). No thank you. It's not as if the U.S. leads the world in education. If this were the Vespuccian school system I'd say divide up summer vacation and keep the kids in school year-round. This will make their transition to the real-world adult monotony easier to bear. I mean, if you've never eaten a real bagel then Bruegger's won't seem so bad.
I hear Bush's next plan is to force Bruce Springsteen to rename his old song to "Born Again In the USA".

Goodness you're a sight! Quite "punch-in-the-face" worthy.

When I was younger I held the opinion that most people were relatively decent-looking and only a small percentage could truly be categorized as "butt-ugly". Oh how a decade can change things! I have noticed an alarming skew of the 'human beauty curve' towards the hideous. Empirical data has not determined whether this is due more to a personal opinion shift or an overall population trend.

"The study's conclusions should surprise no one", huffed the team of Dr. Jolie & Dr. Pitt. "For as long as we can recall, dark-tinted glasses have been a necessity when facing the repulsive general populace in their natural habitat."
Others question the research's validity. "I strongly feel that too many factors were omitted when calculating the results", stated Wormsworth the Snaggletoothed, director of the New Order Society of Oleaginous Asymetrical Persons (NO SOAP). "Overriding researcher bias levels undermine other important traits that must also be considered. Level eyes are overrated; I mean, how about personality?"