manziere

Flipped open the sports section today to see a new ad sprinkled in amongst the usual suspects of strip clubs & limpdick meds (the truck & beer ads are saved for TV): "Male Chest Reduction Surgery". Wow. You fat fucks.

Let's get something straight here; it's Male Boob Reduction. All guys, excepting perhaps Michael Clarke Duncan & Bolo, want bigger chests. Otherwise there wouldn't be all these barrel-chested Paul Bunyan-y legends in books & pro wrestling on TV. Let's also not overlook the fact this is the SPORTS SECTION. Go out and play some fucking sports!!

I'm a fool

You know what's a surefire joke for me? Someone accidentally dips his finger in ink or mud and then later, unknowingly, puts said finger to his upper lip while in thought resulting in a fake Hitler mustache. I dunno why. Either it's because I appreciate the ability of Jews to make light of such a ghastly villain and the heinous acts he perpetrated on their people, or it's just a really goofy lookin' mustache.
If all else fails, I also appreciate a good slip on a banana peel.

Headlines

We're in scary and confusing times; the newspapers tell us so. And I would find things that much more scary if I saw these headlines:

"Massive lead paint recall: China blamed for too much lead in lead paint"

"Trans-sexual is the new 40: Find out how"

"Ryan Seacrest: the face of a new generation"

"Microsoft buys rights to puppies: How this impacts YOU as dog owner"

"Dane Cook movie breaks all-time box office record"

"Childrens do learn, Bush tells school kids"

This Is Sparta!

Here's a band that seriously looks like it needs to get its collective ass kicked. 'The Magicians of Love' appears to be its name so if you see these guys around you know what to do.








On a nicer note, I've finally gotten around to adding the Jazzgeek to my lil' blogroll on the right there. Take a look. One day I'll clean that whole thing up better but I keep holding out hope 'Happy and Blue' and a few of the others will start blogging again.

Happy Mid-Autumn Festival

Zhong Qiu Jie. Mooncakes & such.

Ketchup

So the staples are out of my skin and I've a new shiny cast to last me until mid-October. This should make for some great times! I'm not even talking about the Percocets prescribed to me which I should probably peddle off to some high schoolers so I can pay off the huge healthcare bill that's awaiting me. *THIS IS A JOKE, COPS & GOVERNMENT AGENTS. PLEASE DO NOT ARREST ME!!! I AM KIDDING!!!*

Ok, where was I... Right. I'm catching up on a few things now that the post-surgery haze has cleared and yet I still haven't returned to the office. Just prior to learning my immediate need for surgery, but after I'd injured myself, my brother and I took a vacation out to LA & Vegas. If any pictures are worth posting, I'll slap one or two on here later.

Now, just before the trip out west, I'd been tagged for a meme by Ashley the Jazzgeek and I am finally going to answer it now.

The question is: Why do you blog?
Simply put, I started a Blogger account so it'd be easier to comment on my brother's blog. Since I was already signed up, it seemed a waste not to post stupid jokes & comments on my page. I wanted to see if anyone would read them and if so, whether they'd be amused; I get a kick out of making people laugh (but not from champagne, alas). I'd also been studying some HTML and CSS at the time so I figured I could experiment with them too. Lastly, it gave me an opportunity to try to read & comment in Chinese on blogs in Asia.

As people occasionally stopped by, I decided what a good opportunity to test some jokes I'd been working on in case I ever got the guts to go to an open mike stand-up night or if The Onion ever decided to seek me out and hire me :) (you hear that Onion? I'll freelance!!)

Anyway, the joke results were a mixed bag, and the Chinese thing was just too damn slow (because I suck at it), but as I was browsing other people's blogs, I realized there were a lot of funny/interesting people posting online and the voyeuristic aspects of blogging, as well as the pseudo-community vibe, was something I enjoyed. Until I started visiting too many and it became too difficult to keep up with everyone. I'm sort of a "completionist" so I get a little bugged out if I'm missing bits.

The solution of course turned out to be that a lot of those original people have stopped posting on their sites and my job has been running me ragged. This allows me only snippets of time to really check up on others which somehow negates the completionist anxiety.

Regardless, it's been fun and I'll keep at it as long as I can and I hope others do too. If anyone's still awake, I will now tag: Bo, Violet, PBS, ordinarygirl, and SuziMac. (Maybe I've read your reasons before, long ago, but damned if I can't remember!)

Here it is

My newly repaired achilles

"What's hot right now"

An article yesterday detailed a Louis Vuitton handbag: very expensive, extremely limited in number. It's an item to 'set apart the very rich from the merely rich'. Interview snippets with Mr. Frou-Frou Shopowner revealed this paraphrased nugget: "We appeal to very exclusive clientele. It's no longer about the item as much as it is the quantity produced."
That must be so because god was it an ugly lookin' bag. It was like seeing Rosie O'Donnell in handbag form.

After I read the article the first thing that flashed into memory was a television interview I saw several years ago, a roaming reporter gettin' the dirt by querying people on the street. The question she posed to a random Joe Schmoe was "What kind of music do you like listening to?". His reply? "Whatever's hot right now". It really makes me sick to my stomach.

This Liger cub

Looks like Jake Gyllenhaal.

Casual Dining

As everyone on the planet is now aware, save for some bushmen, tree people, & nomads, we've been overrun by casual dining restaurants. For each chain, it's important to establish a unified brand personality that patrons can attribute to them. Forget about the food, the real importance is the character. The interior design, the pseudo-vintage wall hangings & decorations; this is big business!

I realize it's difficult as a consumer to keep track of all this vital information. That is why I've compiled here a brief & incomplete summary of the personality types for several of the bigger name restaurants. A character cheat-sheet if you will:

TGI Friday's - Friday's is like the middle-aged White guy who thought it was supercool to yell "wasssuppp!" when those beer commercials came out. Heck, he still thinks it's cool today!

Bennigan's - The lonely depressed drunk who sits gloomily in the dark corner of the bar.

Applebee's - Country bumpkin who seems friendly enough but is completely inept at doing anything.

Chili's - That office coworker who likes to reference the ethnic portion of his family history even though it was like, 7 generations ago. "You know, I AM 1/64^th..."

Olive Garden - The guido who tries to cop a real 'tude, even though his parents are rich and from Long Island. There's gonna be a 1980's Mustang around nearby for sure.

Chevy's - That Food Network personality who's trying SO HARD to show she's Colombian. You know. Ingrid Hoffmann.

Red Lopster - The person who likes to call himself 'classy'. Uh, saying it and being it are mutually exclusive!

Undoubtedly

one of the most thankless jobs in the world of inanimate objects is being the 'loop' side of a 'hook & loop' enclosure, or Velcro™ as it is known commercially to Joe & Jane Asshole. Because really, what else is required to perform that task other than to be fuzzy? 'Hook' will most certainly be fine without you, clinging to and ruining neckties when your concentration wavers, sticking to walls or perhaps a particularly hirsute Mediterranean man's back, so just quit yer yappin' and be grateful you have a purpose to your existence, meager as it is.

In Other News (hah, 'News'):
Barbara's Bakery - Honey Rice Puffins cereal is pretty damn mediocre. Eating it with bland rice milk did not help either and believe me, it needed a LOT of help.
This is a shame because their Cinnamon line was pretty good and plus, I like puffins. The birds. They look like they've evolved over millions of years to bear an expression on their faces that suggests "I'm up to something". I don't know how that helps perpetuate the species but kick ass!

Finally!

My Cherry Boom CD is in the mail. I ordered it almost a month ago from somewhere China-y. I thought they were up to their necks over there in bootleg copies of everything, so what took so long?

Pure crap

I'm still steamed about it. That Bush pardoning of Libby is so ridiculous it makes me want to throw up. From rage. Can one vomit out of anger?
The guy is full of more crap than this place.

And did you read how many times Bush used the word "commutation" in his statement? He must've gotten a sticker for learning a polysyllabic word. Someone give that guy a swirly.