frightening

I had one of those confusing and repulsive "teeth rotting and falling out" dreams last night. I find them terrifying because I guess they are the only types that I have no control over; everything else is usually lucid dreaming to some extent. So during this dream I was in a store shopping when something triggered the enamel and minerals in my teeth to start crumbling and make my mouth foamy. So I had a swollen mouth full of foamy bits of broken teeth which I was slowly spitting out all over the place until I could find a mirror. The horror! And to top that off I was then in this tiny shop belonging to an old Chinese couple. There was nothing of note except a collection of Star Wars figurines. Only they weren't good characters like Boba Fett and Salacious Crumb, they were things like JarJar Binks' pants! Still, I talked him down in Mandarin and got him to sell for $4. I mean, yeah, the stuff sucked but I figured they still count as Star Wars collectibles and I was gonna give it to my brother as a birthday present anyway. Plus, I must've gotten a good deal cuz the wife was yelling at the guy. Oh, wait. This was a completely different second dream from the tooth-decay one. I'm not confused at all anymore; it makes perfect sense!

all is not well

All is not well in the land of Vespuccia. I understand if people hated or loved Clinton, I can fathom tepid supporters of either Bush or Kerry, I can comprehend fans of Nader. I do NOT understand hard-core GW Bush fans. Far too many of them seem immune to reason and questioning. At a time when this country is possibly as divided as it's been since the civil war, discussion is important. However, whether an idea is right or wrong is not even open to debate with so many GWB people. Now, that type of blinders-on, black and white simplified approach works fine for a sub-standard IQ prez. Every morning is just another game of cops and robbers for him. But there cannot be that many Least Common Denominator types out there, can there? It boggles the mind. Of interest is this editorial in which a conservative, citing other conservatives, raises questions about some screwy possible commentary by GWB (whether verified as accurate or not, does it surprise anyone that it's conceivable?). I suppose I have just grown accustomed to rabid left and right media extremists spewing their partisan bile and vomit and that's why I find that post peculiar. Speaking of partisan vomit, have you seen this clip of the pie-ing attempt at Ann Coulter, jingoistic harlot? A shame the students missed. Next time I suggest they forego the cream pie filling in favor of one consisting of gasoline and styrofoam. And connect, to the face, and especially the vocal cords.

jump start

My esophageal peristalsis is broken!! It needs a jump start. So does my pride after my getting trounced on the basketball court by one I do not believe should have been doing the trouncing.

Republic of Vespuccia

My proposal for a renaming of the United States of America. It is presumptuous and confusing for US citizens to refer to themselves as Americans. Presumptuous like the way NBA championships are referred to as World championships yet the US hasn't won the last 2 major international competitions (including the damn World Championships!) But I digress. Confusing like the fact that a square is a rectangle, but you don't go around saying to every square you see, "hey there, rectangle". We can all still be 'Americans' just like Canadians, Mexicans, Colombians, Brasilians, etc... can all be as well, but when it's time to get specific, we no longer need to bother with the "I'm a US citizen" or "I'm a USAer" (which no one says) thing that always sounds lame, like a Michael Douglas comment in an 80's movie. We will be Vespuccians. And we're still named after ol' Amerigo so no need to fret there if that's your concern. Other countries around the world are always renaming themselves, why not us? And perhaps we'll volunteer to give up Alaska so Israel can move themselves there in their entirety and solve that whole Middle East crap as well. This will re-elevate our status in the world, which has crumbled so severely in the last few years, and signify a brand new start. Take off a star from the flag (or just plug Puerto Rico in there and keep the old one) and pick a new national anthem, such as that song "America" (we'll have to rewrite some lyrics, replace references to 'America' with 'Vespuccia' and remove that god reference). Regardless I'm down with it because I have a hard time not laughing now during the "Star Spangled Banner" due to Leslie Nielsen in the Naked Gun.

Afraid of failure

Afraid of failure? Join the club; the 'Scared Chickenshit Club*' of which you'll not only be president but also a client. Speaking of failures, what's up with undecided voters? People still undecided need to get on the ball! Or better yet, get on the bus that'll take 'em to Palookaville out in East Bumblefuck where they can sit watching Real World & Simple Life marathons 'til they puke. Just so long as they don't taint the ballot boxes with their "eenie meenie minie moe" style of democracy. (*now with Minoxydil)

Supersized

You know what's amusing? (and by 'amusing' I mean 'sucks. bigtime') The number of gas-guzzling, supersized SUVs I see with "support our troops" stickers on the back. Now, I support our troops and hope they get outta that Mideast mess alive ASAP, but what's the deal with these drivers?? If they wanna help get us off this dependence on foreign oil so we don't need to deal with some of them wackos in the future, maybe they could start by getting cars that get miles-per-gallon instead of gallons-per-mile. They're probably driving with the A/C running full-blast in winter and a hairdryer too to compensate for how cold it is in the car from the A/C. This behavior seems akin to slapping a 'Mothers Against Drunk Driving' sticker on a specially designed beer-mug holder for your car. I suppose it helps these folks sleep better at night, but you know what? When I sneak into your bedroom at night, start smacking you around yelling, "who's yer daddy?" and then when you tell me and I go find him, wake him up, and slap him around too, THEN you won't sleep so well anymore, will you? Didn't think so Chester.

the awful sound (and what it entails)

It's the sound of shears cutting through fabric. A thick, meaty "shhniippp". However, when I'm absent-mindedly cutting my own "coif" using scissors (rather than clippers) it means only one thing. I just missed the hair and got skin instead. yuk.

Pizza Hut

You know, if Pizza Hut made hand lotion, you'd better believe they'd find some way to cram some hidden cheese in there.

W is a magician!

Did you know George W. Bush can make his neck disappear just by putting on a suit? Imagine! Maybe Kerry can learn this trick for his chin (though his is not so much Kyle MacLachlan chin as it is Jay Leno chin). By the way, I hope everyone got a chance to watch the presidential debates. If you didn't you missed some good stuff. There wasn't any "they hate freedom. They love...terror" type quotes but was so cute the way George W. tried to say Berlusconi. Such a biiiggg worrrdd. He deserved a gold sticker. Let's hope Cheney gave him one and a pack of Fun Fruits® too after it was over.

Skid Row!

So, I listened to a new Skid Row song. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, but before I even get into that I wanna mention (Amazon) user reviews of the album; they're quite amusing. Firstly they all adore the band. But, even stranger, they seem to be Sebastian Bach fans first, Skid Row fans second! All the reviews begin with a disclaimer saying the new singer "is no Sebastian Bach (who is) but he does fine". Who is indeed (luckily). Now objectively, from what I gather from this one song, this new guy sounds much better, less cheesy, but also does a pretty spot-on Sebastian Bach imitation which is actually what drags down the sound of the song! Otherwise it'd pass for any other current rock song but all the "yeahs!!" and "heys!!" give it that 80's vibe. Perhaps I shouldn't even get into this now, but I've also felt there is no reason why, with a little tweaking, a band like Kix couldn't hack it with all these pop punk-rocky type bands. Does this make me old or just goofy for writing this long a dissertation about 80's hair bands? Also, for added enjoyment, count the number of freakin' commas in this post!

What the Fuck is this???!!

Spammed by "Emily" on my weblog! Have you no shame, you harlot from Kansas? Is there no sanctuary from midwestern trollops peddling fake free flat TV claims? Apparently not. Crimony!

Fast Food Atrocities

So I wound up eating two fast food meals yesterday; lunch at Taco Bell, dinner at McDonald's. Let me tell you, my GI Tract went into all out warfare with the rest of my body. I thought perhaps I'd have a near-death vision that night which would solve some of life's dilemmas for me. Alas, instead I had a dream about getting beat up at a supermarket or getting stuck in traffic or some other such crap.

Nets

NBA season's fast approaching and Jersey can never catch a break. The team finally's getting its shit together and ownership again fucks it up. At least I hope new owner Bruce Ratner hemorrhages money for awhile. Speaking of which, why does it seem like a lot of team owners are "parking lot moguls"? Doesn't seem like anyone should be able to make piles of ca$h just by paving over a big swath of land. Anyway, I'll have to see how the Nets play with (again) no expectations on them. Man, if Yao Ming didn't play in the NBA, I'd be quite upset...

TV dinners

Ahh..fake-o TV dinner brownies, gotta love 'em! Hmmph, maybe you didn't hear me right. I said you MUST love them!! We can do this 2 ways; the easy way or the hard way. One involves your declaration of affection towards the spongy TV dinner treat. The other involves ether and then sodomy via Swanson's frozen foods. You decide.

X-men

So a useful feature in X-Men Legends for PS2 might be a 'restart level' option. This way, if some moron happened to allocate both savegame slots to one particular level which had a countdown timer, and this above-stated moron happened not to notice said timer due to his preoccupation with destroying every bed/wall/locker/chest/table in sight, and then time ran out and the game ended, he wouldn't have gotten fucked!!!! arghh!!!!!!!
Also, don't buy Risk II for PC. It won't even fucking work right.

Zounds!

So I found a nearly inch-long eyebrow hair yesterday. Does this foretell of my becoming one of those old Chinese guys whose wispy 'brows jut out over their faces like the bill of a baseball cap? One can only hope!

Hypothetically

Now let's say, hypothetically, I 'accidentally' bumped into an old lady today and knocked her to the ground and spilled all her groceries. Then, hypothetically, rather than helping her up, I laughed at her, mocked her hunchback, and played a game of kick the can with her (now dented) strained peas. And as if that weren't enough, perhaps I decided to pick up her dentures and do a quick little three-cornered hat dance while pretending that those false teeth were actually castanets. And finally, maybe I happened to swipe her tube of Maximum Strength Ben-Gay and squoze the entire contents onto the face of the neighborhood cat. Would you think any less of me? No? Egads, man!!

Sonfabitch!

I just paid MORE money thru mailorder a coupla days ago for a slower, hard drive that is 9x smaller than one I coulda bought at compUSA today! Still waiting for the UPS guy... at least I ordered a better brand.

Frasier

Name me one Asian who likes watching Frasier. Ha! You can't can you?

"You're what??!!"

"Your cock's swaying??!! Get away from me you sick, perverted bastard!" I bet coxswains get that a lot after they respond to the query, "so, what do you do for a living?" My recommendation is they just tell people that they are steersmen on boats.

god has wheels

Why, you may ask? Well it's been said humans were made in god's likeness, yet wheels are a superior mechanism for transport versus feet. So why would the 'almighty' be less than efficient? Answer: (s)he wouldn't. Hence the above-stated conclusion.