Unmemorable

I wish to own a retro-kitsch memorabilia company, the kind that supplies fake old appurtenances to Applebee's and T.G.I. Fridays. What a goldmine! Surely manufacturing counterfeit old stuff is profoundly cheaper than obtaining genuine old stuff. And with a company name and slogan like: 'Unmemorabilia: Pretending to be from 1947 since 2009', how can I lose? I can't, that's how!

Assorded Idems That Wite Beepul Enjoy

I hear thare's munny to bee had in making fun o' Wite Beepul in blogbosts using ironee and deadban observashunal humer. So I will do so as well in hopes of gashin' in! I'll even do it for free rite now! But I will sgip the ol' ironee. And mebbe even the humer bart. Basically, I'll just make fun o' Wite Beepul at no gost rite now. And with baed sbelling.
Now, I'm knot Wite, but I reely don't think that madders cuz everyware m'eyes can see s'Wite Beepul. And if thare's one thing I gno, it's that White Beepul like to eat cheez. You mite think, "Aha! Wite Beepul eeting jeez, hwy, they must shorely enjoy eatsin' the Wite jeezes rite?" But no! They dry to eet Kolored jeezes. The more Kolor the bedder! O, and Wite Beepul also don't seem to eet at Wite Gastle much. Hwy, this bost durned out to have a ironik ending after all! Now gimme my munny!

I lost m'belt!

For sum raisin I cain't find m'favorit belt. O ware cood it, bee?

I plum forgot!!

Holy cow! I plum forgot I had this blog and was supposed to be posting riveting and introspective stuff!
I also didn't know about the whole "labeling and tagging" thing but ho boy am I eggcited about 'em!

*coff

I'm still pretty bummed. And busy. Maybe not, actually, I'm not even sure anymore but my time does not often seem to be spent doing what I'd like to be doing these days. I'm hoping a rejuvenation, at least in blogging, will occur when I finally get around to getting a computer that's not pre-2000. Pretty sad for an IT guy but whatever.

On a better note, my cereal woes may be behind me! Firstly, I've re-tested Lactaid milk and after consumption, it does not feel like I've been kicked in the nuts by a donkey. Hooray! Plus it's half the cost of goat milk (I've been told giraffe milk is now considered kosher or something so maybe one day I'll give that a test).

Secondly, I may have discovered the world's greatest (healthy) cereal. Kellogg's All-Bran Strawberry Medley!!! It's got more fiber in it than those ones that taste like sticks and twigs, and tastes absolutely fantastic! This whole paragraph is full of exclamation points!! It's like a delicious tasting Colon Blow!

The thing to remember though is that one serving = 40% of your daily fiber intake. So ease your way in. They promote an "All-Bran 10 day fiber challenge" to get you regular & healthy but I bet ultra-competitive fuckwads like Michael Jordan see that challenge and think, "10 days? Hell no. I can complete it in 1." but I assure you that's a bad idea...

them?

Once upon a time I used to venture out in the daylight hours and be appalled by the people I'd see. The world overrun by pitiable wretches: old folks scavenging for senior coffee & triple coupon deals, lone parents muttering gibberish whilst overseeing their brood of kids in a McDonalds booth, & businesspeople sitting by themselves, staring & slack-jawed, most likely contemplating suicide.

So let me just say it was much to my unpleasant surprise this past tuesday, when I drove out aimlessly to grab a bite to eat before landing in a (surprise!) McDonalds, that I completely felt like one of them for the first time that I can truly recall. Defeated, bitter, hopeless, & lamentable. I could have just as easily been biting the heads off those kids around me as chewing on my french fries because I really couldn't have given less of a shit. Whenever I overheard smatterings of lame office-lunchy conversations my first thought was, "well, I guess that's reasonable stuff".

Suffice to say, this has been quite a shitty year for reasons I can't quite put a finger on yet. Scary, but I hope it's just a phase of weakness that I will quickly pass through. I've got quite a few years left before I can get that senior discount coffee...

a healthy ice cream float

We all know how delicious ice cream is. And we all know how addictively good soda is. When you combine the two, WELL! If god existed and had a top 5 list of favorite items created, I think ice cream floats would be right in there alongside pizza and bubble wrap.
But that's easy for him/her to deal with because there's no need to worry about weight up there. As for us mere mortals, here's a healthy alternative so you can still enjoy your favorite frosty frothy treat.
First, substitute water for the soda. Then, replace the ice cream with cauliflower.
Mmmm!!

Get On It

So, a bit of my daily work routine, when I'm able to stomach it, is to parse through company spam filters to ensure there are no false positives trapped in there and to tweak the system as necessary to try to prevent it from happening further. This is a pure waste of time, naturally, because the spam filter just sucks a big fat one.

Speaking of big fat ones, there is a plethora of spams dealing with products to enhance male 'members'. There are also vast quantities of corporate mumbo jumbo junkmails. However, I do not believe I've yet seen spams that artfully combine the two. No "value-add to your penis" nor "grow your company's stocks & schlongs". Some spam mogul (ie. pantsless, hairy Russian guy sitting in his basement) has really dropped the ball on this one. I'm confident there is great potential here for a new segment of emails for the vast majority of the world to ignore & automatically delete, I really do.

Since it's award season

I think it's only fitting that I declare the Seattle Supersonics as "NBA team with best hair". They've got it all: cornrows, dreads, long shaggy white guy hair, someone who's hairline looks like it starts from his eyebrows, beards, and most importantly no fauxhawks. Fantastic!!
Plus this is about the only thing that sad-sack team will win all year because their owner is another one of those "hold a city hostage for corporate welfare" type jerks.

I Strongly Believe

that people with hearing difficulties should not speak nor hold conversations at distances from which they cannot discern the replies. Really, this is just common sense and the world does not revolve around us just listening to y'all grouse incessantly. A brick wall could serve that purpose.

It might be more a 50/50 milk ratio

And on an unrelated note, Pomegranate 7 Up stinks.

Playing the martyr

I'm not really sure when parents decide it’s time to play the martyr role but let me just say that it does NOT work with food items.

“Oh, no one likes powdered donuts? {groan} I guess I’ll do you all a favor and finish them for you.”

No no, make no mistake, there is only one person receiving this favor and it’s he who’s consuming said powdered donuts. And the only persons suffering are the ones deprived of the tasty delicacies.


Late breaking cereal news: Quaker Oatmeal Squares
They are pretty freakin' delicious, both the regular variety & the extra cinnamon. There's even a bit of fiber in them yet they don't taste like wood shavings. Imagine! The deliciousness might be due, partially at any rate, to my mad-scientist experimentations with milk & soymilk hybrids. The most agreeable non-lactose combo seems to be 2 parts 8th Continent^™ regular soymilk to 1 part lowfat goatmilk. We shall see. Back to the labs!

Wow, it's been awhile

But I've just had nothing to say. Actually that's untrue. I have several things I'd like to say, just no time to say it. That's why I keep using the word 'say'.
I wound not even be typing this up right now except I have to kill a few minutes right now WHILE I'M STILL STUCK HERE IN THE FREAKIN' OFFICE!!

This provides me with a chance to announce that my best friend has turned me on to an effective but very costly solution to eat my precious Cookie Crisp (& other assorted bad-for-you cereals) with actual dairy milk since the soy stuff doesn't cut it with the junk. I have been turned on to goat's milk! Ta da! It tastes a bit... different, and costs 4x that of cow's milk but beggar's can't be choosers. Not even beggars who have to pay 4X as much as they would for cow's milk!

This seems a bit rambly but what do you expect. Happy post-holidays, and I hope all is well. I shall return.