God Has Wheels

Unmemorable

2009-06-02T10:14:00.000-05:00

I wish to own a retro-kitsch memorabilia company, the kind that supplies fake old appurtenances to Applebee's and T.G.I. Fridays. What a goldmine! Surely manufacturing counterfeit old stuff is profoundly cheaper than obtaining genuine old stuff. And with a company name and slogan like: 'Unmemorabilia: Pretending to be from 1947 since 2009', how can I lose? I can't, that's how!

Assorded Idems That Wite Beepul Enjoy

2009-03-09T15:37:00.002-05:00

I hear thare's munny to bee had in making fun o' Wite Beepul in blogbosts using ironee and deadban observashunal humer. So I will do so as well in hopes of gashin' in! I'll even do it for free rite now! But I will sgip the ol' ironee. And mebbe even the humer bart. Basically, I'll just make fun o' Wite Beepul at no gost rite now. And with baed sbelling.
Now, I'm knot Wite, but I reely don't think that madders cuz everyware m'eyes can see s'Wite Beepul. And if thare's one thing I gno, it's that White Beepul like to eat cheez. You mite think, "Aha! Wite Beepul eeting jeez, hwy, they must shorely enjoy eatsin' the Wite jeezes rite?" But no! They dry to eet Kolored jeezes. The more Kolor the bedder! O, and Wite Beepul also don't seem to eet at Wite Gastle much. Hwy, this bost durned out to have a ironik ending after all! Now gimme my munny!

I lost m'belt!

2009-01-09T14:09:00.001-05:00

For sum raisin I cain't find m'favorit belt. O ware cood it, bee?

I plum forgot!!

2009-01-09T14:00:00.002-05:00

Holy cow! I plum forgot I had this blog and was supposed to be posting riveting and introspective stuff!
I also didn't know about the whole "labeling and tagging" thing but ho boy am I eggcited about 'em!

*coff

2008-07-10T15:00:00.003-05:00

I'm still pretty bummed. And busy. Maybe not, actually, I'm not even sure anymore but my time does not often seem to be spent doing what I'd like to be doing these days. I'm hoping a rejuvenation, at least in blogging, will occur when I finally get around to getting a computer that's not pre-2000. Pretty sad for an IT guy but whatever.

On a better note, my cereal woes may be behind me! Firstly, I've re-tested Lactaid milk and after consumption, it does not feel like I've been kicked in the nuts by a donkey. Hooray! Plus it's half the cost of goat milk (I've been told giraffe milk is now considered kosher or something so maybe one day I'll give that a test).

Secondly, I may have discovered the world's greatest (healthy) cereal. Kellogg's All-Bran Strawberry Medley!!! It's got more fiber in it than those ones that taste like sticks and twigs, and tastes absolutely fantastic! This whole paragraph is full of exclamation points!! It's like a delicious tasting Colon Blow!

The thing to remember though is that one serving = 40% of your daily fiber intake. So ease your way in. They promote an "All-Bran 10 day fiber challenge" to get you regular & healthy but I bet ultra-competitive fuckwads like Michael Jordan see that challenge and think, "10 days? Hell no. I can complete it in 1." but I assure you that's a bad idea...

them?

2008-06-05T14:08:00.004-05:00

Once upon a time I used to venture out in the daylight hours and be appalled by the people I'd see. The world overrun by pitiable wretches: old folks scavenging for senior coffee & triple coupon deals, lone parents muttering gibberish whilst overseeing their brood of kids in a McDonalds booth, & businesspeople sitting by themselves, staring & slack-jawed, most likely contemplating suicide.

So let me just say it was much to my unpleasant surprise this past tuesday, when I drove out aimlessly to grab a bite to eat before landing in a (surprise!) McDonalds, that I completely felt like one of them for the first time that I can truly recall. Defeated, bitter, hopeless, & lamentable. I could have just as easily been biting the heads off those kids around me as chewing on my french fries because I really couldn't have given less of a shit. Whenever I overheard smatterings of lame office-lunchy conversations my first thought was, "well, I guess that's reasonable stuff".

Suffice to say, this has been quite a shitty year for reasons I can't quite put a finger on yet. Scary, but I hope it's just a phase of weakness that I will quickly pass through. I've got quite a few years left before I can get that senior discount coffee...

a healthy ice cream float

2008-05-14T14:21:00.002-05:00

We all know how delicious ice cream is. And we all know how addictively good soda is. When you combine the two, WELL! If god existed and had a top 5 list of favorite items created, I think ice cream floats would be right in there alongside pizza and bubble wrap.
But that's easy for him/her to deal with because there's no need to worry about weight up there. As for us mere mortals, here's a healthy alternative so you can still enjoy your favorite frosty frothy treat.
First, substitute water for the soda. Then, replace the ice cream with cauliflower.
Mmmm!!

Get On It

2008-03-03T16:10:00.002-05:00

So, a bit of my daily work routine, when I'm able to stomach it, is to parse through company spam filters to ensure there are no false positives trapped in there and to tweak the system as necessary to try to prevent it from happening further. This is a pure waste of time, naturally, because the spam filter just sucks a big fat one.

Speaking of big fat ones, there is a plethora of spams dealing with products to enhance male 'members'. There are also vast quantities of corporate mumbo jumbo junkmails. However, I do not believe I've yet seen spams that artfully combine the two. No "value-add to your penis" nor "grow your company's stocks & schlongs". Some spam mogul (ie. pantsless, hairy Russian guy sitting in his basement) has really dropped the ball on this one. I'm confident there is great potential here for a new segment of emails for the vast majority of the world to ignore & automatically delete, I really do.

Since it's award season

2008-02-23T11:47:00.002-05:00

I think it's only fitting that I declare the Seattle Supersonics as "NBA team with best hair". They've got it all: cornrows, dreads, long shaggy white guy hair, someone who's hairline looks like it starts from his eyebrows, beards, and most importantly no fauxhawks. Fantastic!!
Plus this is about the only thing that sad-sack team will win all year because their owner is another one of those "hold a city hostage for corporate welfare" type jerks.

I Strongly Believe

2008-02-08T17:27:00.000-05:00

that people with hearing difficulties should not speak nor hold conversations at distances from which they cannot discern the replies. Really, this is just common sense and the world does not revolve around us just listening to y'all grouse incessantly. A brick wall could serve that purpose.

It might be more a 50/50 milk ratio

2008-01-29T23:22:00.000-05:00

And on an unrelated note, Pomegranate 7 Up stinks.

Playing the martyr

2008-01-27T17:27:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure when parents decide it’s time to play the martyr role but let me just say that it does NOT work with food items.

“Oh, no one likes powdered donuts? {groan} I guess I’ll do you all a favor and finish them for you.”

No no, make no mistake, there is only one person receiving this favor and it’s he who’s consuming said powdered donuts. And the only persons suffering are the ones deprived of the tasty delicacies.

Late breaking cereal news: Quaker Oatmeal Squares
They are pretty freakin' delicious, both the regular variety & the extra cinnamon. There's even a bit of fiber in them yet they don't taste like wood shavings. Imagine! The deliciousness might be due, partially at any rate, to my mad-scientist experimentations with milk & soymilk hybrids. The most agreeable non-lactose combo seems to be 2 parts 8th Continent^™ regular soymilk to 1 part lowfat goatmilk. We shall see. Back to the labs!

Wow, it's been awhile

2008-01-10T00:58:00.000-05:00

But I've just had nothing to say. Actually that's untrue. I have several things I'd like to say, just no time to say it. That's why I keep using the word 'say'.
I wound not even be typing this up right now except I have to kill a few minutes right now WHILE I'M STILL STUCK HERE IN THE FREAKIN' OFFICE!!

This provides me with a chance to announce that my best friend has turned me on to an effective but very costly solution to eat my precious Cookie Crisp (& other assorted bad-for-you cereals) with actual dairy milk since the soy stuff doesn't cut it with the junk. I have been turned on to goat's milk! Ta da! It tastes a bit... different, and costs 4x that of cow's milk but beggar's can't be choosers. Not even beggars who have to pay 4X as much as they would for cow's milk!

This seems a bit rambly but what do you expect. Happy post-holidays, and I hope all is well. I shall return.

Kids tell your folks: "Gotta gits me, gotta gits me, that good ol' Jiggle Bee™!"

2007-11-27T00:19:00.000-05:00

If I could put a grossly negligent children's product on the market for the holiday season, it would be something called Jiggle Bee™. He would be "...the worst holiday toy of the season" according to moms.com. Chock full of deliciously sweet lead paint, date-rape drugs, and would utter an annoying incessant catchphrase. Nobody steal my idea!!!

Imus Ruins Everything

2007-11-05T14:53:00.000-05:00

Rats. Windbag Don Imus' return has ended my favorite morning radio talkshow "Curtis and Kuby In the Morning". There's really no other politics-related programs that are even tolerable; they all make me want to punch out my car windshield when I hear them spewing.

Speaking of 'spewing', today in the Burger King a ~50 year old man came shambling out of the restroom groaning, "Damn!!". Suffice to say, I opted to get back to work to wash my hands at the sink here instead.

Terrible Phrases

2007-10-29T08:46:00.000-05:00

There are a multitude of terrible phrases in the English language. Word constructs that make one's blood boil and eyes pop. Here are a few for today:

- "Your call is important to us..."

- "Puff Daddy is a musical genius"

- "Ha Ha Ha! Only in New York..."

- "It's a boy!"

- "It's a girl!"

new layout

2007-10-22T16:43:00.000-05:00

So, do you like the pseudo-new layout here at GodHasWheels Inc.? Me neither. But I think it's too late to change back so deal with it. And besides, I just learned that (the few) people viewing this page using Internet Explorer were seeing god with his head chopped off at the top of the screen. That's blasphemous! Or something..

On another note, I am really freakin' excited about the NBA this season! I'm sure that makes me a weird US citizen but it's true. What's next? Following soccer? But the Nets have a good team and there's 2 Chinese & 1 Korean in the league. And they're all 6'11" or taller. Don't know how that happened, they must've sewn a few pairs of people together.

I'm amped about the Devils too. There's a new arena about to open and I can't wait to check it out. Somehow it gives me hope that a miracle will occur and the Nets will move there instead of Brooklyn. I mean the real kind of miracle, not the "miracle of birth" kind that happens what, every sixth of a second? But actually either kind might work so I guess I'll take 'em. Also maybe Islanders' Miroslav Satan will get traded to the Devils. How fucking great would that be? I cannot even begin to tell you!

manziere

2007-10-17T17:42:00.000-05:00

Flipped open the sports section today to see a new ad sprinkled in amongst the usual suspects of strip clubs & limpdick meds (the truck & beer ads are saved for TV): "Male Chest Reduction Surgery". Wow. You fat fucks.

Let's get something straight here; it's Male Boob Reduction. All guys, excepting perhaps Michael Clarke Duncan & Bolo, want bigger chests. Otherwise there wouldn't be all these barrel-chested Paul Bunyan-y legends in books & pro wrestling on TV. Let's also not overlook the fact this is the SPORTS SECTION. Go out and play some fucking sports!!

I'm a fool

2007-10-15T15:37:00.000-05:00

You know what's a surefire joke for me? Someone accidentally dips his finger in ink or mud and then later, unknowingly, puts said finger to his upper lip while in thought resulting in a fake Hitler mustache. I dunno why. Either it's because I appreciate the ability of Jews to make light of such a ghastly villain and the heinous acts he perpetrated on their people, or it's just a really goofy lookin' mustache.
If all else fails, I also appreciate a good slip on a banana peel.

Headlines

2007-10-06T11:05:00.000-05:00

We're in scary and confusing times; the newspapers tell us so. And I would find things that much more scary if I saw these headlines:

"Massive lead paint recall: China blamed for too much lead in lead paint"

"Trans-sexual is the new 40: Find out how"

"Ryan Seacrest: the face of a new generation"

"Microsoft buys rights to puppies: How this impacts YOU as dog owner"

"Dane Cook movie breaks all-time box office record"

"Childrens do learn, Bush tells school kids"

This Is Sparta!

2007-09-30T23:14:00.001-05:00

Here's a band that seriously looks like it needs to get its collective ass kicked. 'The Magicians of Love' appears to be its name so if you see these guys around you know what to do.

On a nicer note, I've finally gotten around to adding the Jazzgeek to my lil' blogroll on the right there. Take a look. One day I'll clean that whole thing up better but I keep holding out hope 'Happy and Blue' and a few of the others will start blogging again.

Happy Mid-Autumn Festival

2007-09-25T09:57:00.001-05:00

Zhong Qiu Jie. Mooncakes & such.

Ketchup

2007-09-20T14:56:00.000-05:00

So the staples are out of my skin and I've a new shiny cast to last me until mid-October. This should make for some great times! I'm not even talking about the Percocets prescribed to me which I should probably peddle off to some high schoolers so I can pay off the huge healthcare bill that's awaiting me. *THIS IS A JOKE, COPS & GOVERNMENT AGENTS. PLEASE DO NOT ARREST ME!!! I AM KIDDING!!!*

Ok, where was I... Right. I'm catching up on a few things now that the post-surgery haze has cleared and yet I still haven't returned to the office. Just prior to learning my immediate need for surgery, but after I'd injured myself, my brother and I took a vacation out to LA & Vegas. If any pictures are worth posting, I'll slap one or two on here later.

Now, just before the trip out west, I'd been tagged for a meme by Ashley the Jazzgeek and I am finally going to answer it now.

The question is: Why do you blog?
Simply put, I started a Blogger account so it'd be easier to comment on my brother's blog. Since I was already signed up, it seemed a waste not to post stupid jokes & comments on my page. I wanted to see if anyone would read them and if so, whether they'd be amused; I get a kick out of making people laugh (but not from champagne, alas). I'd also been studying some HTML and CSS at the time so I figured I could experiment with them too. Lastly, it gave me an opportunity to try to read & comment in Chinese on blogs in Asia.

As people occasionally stopped by, I decided what a good opportunity to test some jokes I'd been working on in case I ever got the guts to go to an open mike stand-up night or if The Onion ever decided to seek me out and hire me :) (you hear that Onion? I'll freelance!!)

Anyway, the joke results were a mixed bag, and the Chinese thing was just too damn slow (because I suck at it), but as I was browsing other people's blogs, I realized there were a lot of funny/interesting people posting online and the voyeuristic aspects of blogging, as well as the pseudo-community vibe, was something I enjoyed. Until I started visiting too many and it became too difficult to keep up with everyone. I'm sort of a "completionist" so I get a little bugged out if I'm missing bits.

The solution of course turned out to be that a lot of those original people have stopped posting on their sites and my job has been running me ragged. This allows me only snippets of time to really check up on others which somehow negates the completionist anxiety.

Regardless, it's been fun and I'll keep at it as long as I can and I hope others do too. If anyone's still awake, I will now tag: Bo, Violet, PBS, ordinarygirl, and SuziMac. (Maybe I've read your reasons before, long ago, but damned if I can't remember!)

Here it is

2007-09-10T17:19:00.000-05:00

My newly repaired achilles

"What's hot right now"

2007-08-23T09:03:00.000-05:00

An article yesterday detailed a Louis Vuitton handbag: very expensive, extremely limited in number. It's an item to 'set apart the very rich from the merely rich'. Interview snippets with Mr. Frou-Frou Shopowner revealed this paraphrased nugget: "We appeal to very exclusive clientele. It's no longer about the item as much as it is the quantity produced."
That must be so because god was it an ugly lookin' bag. It was like seeing Rosie O'Donnell in handbag form.

After I read the article the first thing that flashed into memory was a television interview I saw several years ago, a roaming reporter gettin' the dirt by querying people on the street. The question she posed to a random Joe Schmoe was "What kind of music do you like listening to?". His reply? "Whatever's hot right now". It really makes me sick to my stomach.

This Liger cub

2007-08-17T10:38:00.000-05:00

Looks like Jake Gyllenhaal.

Casual Dining

2007-07-29T17:21:00.000-05:00

As everyone on the planet is now aware, save for some bushmen, tree people, & nomads, we've been overrun by casual dining restaurants. For each chain, it's important to establish a unified brand personality that patrons can attribute to them. Forget about the food, the real importance is the character. The interior design, the pseudo-vintage wall hangings & decorations; this is big business!

I realize it's difficult as a consumer to keep track of all this vital information. That is why I've compiled here a brief & incomplete summary of the personality types for several of the bigger name restaurants. A character cheat-sheet if you will:

TGI Friday's - Friday's is like the middle-aged White guy who thought it was supercool to yell "wasssuppp!" when those beer commercials came out. Heck, he still thinks it's cool today!

Bennigan's - The lonely depressed drunk who sits gloomily in the dark corner of the bar.

Applebee's - Country bumpkin who seems friendly enough but is completely inept at doing anything.

Chili's - That office coworker who likes to reference the ethnic portion of his family history even though it was like, 7 generations ago. "You know, I AM 1/64^th..."

Olive Garden - The guido who tries to cop a real 'tude, even though his parents are rich and from Long Island. There's gonna be a 1980's Mustang around nearby for sure.

Chevy's - That Food Network personality who's trying SO HARD to show she's Colombian. You know. Ingrid Hoffmann.

Red Lopster - The person who likes to call himself 'classy'. Uh, saying it and being it are mutually exclusive!

Undoubtedly

2007-07-24T08:29:00.000-05:00

one of the most thankless jobs in the world of inanimate objects is being the 'loop' side of a 'hook & loop' enclosure, or Velcro™ as it is known commercially to Joe & Jane Asshole. Because really, what else is required to perform that task other than to be fuzzy? 'Hook' will most certainly be fine without you, clinging to and ruining neckties when your concentration wavers, sticking to walls or perhaps a particularly hirsute Mediterranean man's back, so just quit yer yappin' and be grateful you have a purpose to your existence, meager as it is.

In Other News (hah, 'News'):
Barbara's Bakery - Honey Rice Puffins cereal is pretty damn mediocre. Eating it with bland rice milk did not help either and believe me, it needed a LOT of help.
This is a shame because their Cinnamon line was pretty good and plus, I like puffins. The birds. They look like they've evolved over millions of years to bear an expression on their faces that suggests "I'm up to something". I don't know how that helps perpetuate the species but kick ass!

Finally!

2007-07-12T09:41:00.000-05:00

My Cherry Boom CD is in the mail. I ordered it almost a month ago from somewhere China-y. I thought they were up to their necks over there in bootleg copies of everything, so what took so long?

Pure crap

2007-07-07T08:22:00.000-05:00

I'm still steamed about it. That Bush pardoning of Libby is so ridiculous it makes me want to throw up. From rage. Can one vomit out of anger?
The guy is full of more crap than this place.

And did you read how many times Bush used the word "commutation" in his statement? He must've gotten a sticker for learning a polysyllabic word. Someone give that guy a swirly.

I'm obsessed

2007-06-16T10:08:00.000-05:00

with this Korean band Loveholic's song Sky. And its video. I wonder if it'd be better or worse if I actually understood the lyrics...

Blog Like It's The End Of The World

2007-06-13T15:30:00.000-05:00

I've been told to do that today.
That means the zombies are coming and I'm holed up in a Costco blogging about it. If you're looking for me, I'll be decked out in heavy Carhardt clothes from head to toe & steel-toe workboots. I've raided the appropriate sections and am stocked up on beef jerky, energy bars, water, & a hand-cranked radio/flashlight. Axe, some hunting knives (& a machete would be nice) for the zombies and a police baton & a couple guns for the people who'll be losing their shit and trying to take me out. I think I'm ready for this!

What's the Worst?

2007-06-06T19:21:00.000-05:00

Everyone loves a top 10 list! So logic dictates that people will nine-tenths-edly love a top 9 list too. Here goes!

What's the worst thing about violently & mercilessly butchering another human being?

1. The cleanup. All that blood everywhere? Break out lots of cold water & seltzer!

2. Having to tell the same story repeatedly to co-workers the next day. (groan)

3. Bad for the environment. You know how many giant trash bags it takes to haul away all of the body parts??! Plastic's not biodegradeable you know.

4. The roller coasters at Great Adventure don't seem nearly as exhilarating afterwards.

5. It's another item checked off of your short "Things In Life To Try" list. Yeah, you're right; this could be viewed as good or bad.

6. You lose all those "supposed" close friendships you spent so much time fostering over the years. Disloyal jerks!

7. It just proves to you again how much you really need those new state-of-the-art, kickass tools. Like neighbor Bob has. He's probably butchering TWICE as many people as you, and with half the effort.

8. And a better car. Maybe a Honda Element. Those doors swing open with no pillar in-between, there's a tailgate, & you can just hose the sucker down in the back. Sweet!

9. It doesn't really taste like chicken at all. Maybe you can make a soup stock with the leftover bones.

Fjord

2007-05-30T10:53:00.000-05:00

As I saw several lame-o Toyota FJ Cruisers & Jeep Patriots on my commute to work, I wondered aloud, "What other car model names could they come up with that would just suck?".

Well, for sure, any manufacturer could dub their car the "Fjord" and get a laugh.
The "Rapier" would be no good because hoodlums will just pull off the 'i' leaving the driver to tool about in a "Raper". Also, I think any sort of fruit would not make for a good car name.
It would not surprise me for Jeep to release the "Jingo" either. The "Corkscrew" is terrible too. Because of the 'screw' part. No need to remind car buyers of how the dealership gave 'em the shaft.

I could continue with this all day but, you know, work...

Vince Carter

2007-05-19T01:08:00.000-05:00

It was a fun little fling having you as a Net. You're a nice guy but you can't hack it. Peace...

Bible Fight

2007-05-11T10:48:00.000-05:00

Good times! Good times!
Lucky I turned on Cartoon Network yesterday...

crossover

2007-05-08T09:54:00.000-05:00

What exactly is a "crossover SUV" anyway? It sounds suspiciously like a new, wordier way of saying "SUV".

Traffic Rules

2007-04-26T10:34:00.000-05:00

Here's a quick refresher course for those shit drivers out there too lazy to Netflix the film Moving Violations starring Bill Murray's brother.

-It's only okay to ride up another car's ass in the fastlane, otherwise there's this concept called "passing".
There are 2 exceptions to this rule:
superslow drivers must be chased to the right lane by any means necessary
and in rush hour, tailgating is acceptable in the 2nd leftmost lane as well.

-When you spot a copcar, that DOES NOT MEAN you should slow down 10 miles below the speed limit.

-Sorry gramps, turn in your license. And keys. Because we know you're just going to forget you don't have a license anyway. And you'll forget your glasses. And which pedal is the gas. And...

-And lastly, NEVER STOP YOUR CAR DEAD IN THE MIDDLE OF A LANE SO YOU CAN TALK ON YOUR CELLPHONE!!!. And if I ever find you again lanky white guy in the maroon Scion Xa with the county college sticker on the lower left corner of your rear window, I am going to rip your nose off with a pair of pliers.

Happy & safe driving! :)

I forgot what I was gonna bitch about

2007-04-25T08:59:00.000-05:00

So instead here's a new rant until I can remember. The YES network blows!! That's the channel that's supposed to broadcast Yankees & Nets. The Nets are currently engaged in NBA playoff games and the channel bumps them for stupid first of the month baseball? In the words of Mark Jackson, "C'mon YES! You're better than that!!". Fuckers.

Reviews of the Mundane: Cereal

2007-04-08T11:04:00.000-05:00

Barbara's Bakery Honey Rice Puffins. With my dairy crisis still in full effect, cereal consumption has been seriously curtailed. If the "normal" amount of cereal I eat is akin to the majestic Niagara Falls, then this whole milk problem has been like Humanity throttling the flow of the cascades in his attempt to slow erosion to the great cataract. I love cobbling together shitty similes.

Anyway, I'd remembered the Cinnamon Puffins being tasty and reasoned the Honey Rice ones would be as well. And this is where logic failed me. Perhaps it's because I've had to resort to rice milk and it's rice overkill (doubtful as there is no such thing as "Rice Overkill" to the Chinese), or maybe it just kinda sucks, but I've been pretty disappointed and it's turned into an "eat it so as not to waste food" thing. It's pricy too and not particularly healthy. What was I thinking? Tsk...

Some funny fake news sites

2007-04-04T15:14:00.000-05:00

To while away the hours...

The Borowitz Report

The Onion (of course!)

and Humorfeed, an assortment of others.

It Never Ends

2007-03-27T10:50:00.000-05:00

Work's been unrelenting and blogging has fallen by the wayside. But today with a brief moment I figured I'd attempt to combine the two by listing some of my favorite spam sender names, addresses, & content that I've been parsing through, truncated slightly to prevent my page being blacklisted or some crap. Compelling.

senders:
offset@flockoftacos_
ambushingclobbering@protectgiraffes_
funforfood.com@elmarwan_
"Waterworks K. Clewed"
"Reciprocating A. Banana"

subject: snowflake infidelity

body: Champagne is for rich people and basketball fans without OCD.I mean a bad, 'what the hell am I doing here?I've also set up TiVo alternate between the various late night programming. Nobody wants to see Alan Arkin in anything resembling his birthday suit.Person: Autogarage 2.Since we recently joined NetFlix, we should have a definitive answer soon.If you're not willing to compromise just a little on matters of age, or relatedness, or inherent sexual preference, then there's little hope for you. Sometimes, even TiVo can't save me from myself.

Something happened yesterday that changed my life.(For the record, I'm not suggesting my illness was a 'plumbing emergency'. (For the record, I don't even own a gaudy scarf. So I told the TiVo to tape those. Though it may have led to a couple, at the fevered height of its run.I've got a Wishlist for example, that only records movies from 2005 - 2007 that are comedies.Which is to say, it made me plenty squeamish.It's like an extra, unpaid, after-hours, compulsive job now.

Then I gave the Pickapeppa a good shake, up-and-down, and poured it on, too. Zu hohe Kontraste, z.Otherwise, you're in the dark.And life took a turn again.Wake up refreshed, do some more work, take another nap."The day there's no hot sauce in my fridge is the day they pry the last nacho from my cold, dead fingers.The whitest thing in front of me was my reflection in the window. But it's a solid 'Plan B'.And not a good kind of cry, like at Field of Dreams, either. I don't know what you do when you disappear in there to get ready in the morning.

Gotta Git It!

2007-03-06T20:33:00.000-05:00

As promised, my new "Gotta Git It!" segment will include pictures of items listed in my (now numerous) As Seen On TV catalogs which I receive in the mail on a weekly basis.

I highly recommend

2007-03-01T22:02:00.000-05:00

for any of you American born Asians out there, the graphic novel American Born Chinese by Gene Yang, especially if you're still in your formative years. So many of the fundamental elements of it will probably hit very close to home.
Actually, it's quite funny and the artwork kinda cool so ethnicity be damned, give it a quick look. I've heard mention there's something similar for all you Desis out there but hell if I know what it is.
Stay strong peoples, have a good one.

where have all the flowers gone?

2007-02-26T12:22:00.000-05:00

I'm "sure" that is what you've been wondering about me, only replace 'flowers' with 'cereal reviews'. I've neglected to mention anything about it but the unpleasant truth is, somehow over the course of the last few months milk has betrayed me. I seem unable to consume it anymore in significant (read: cereal-eatin') quantities without suffering severe stomach pains and much bowel-ular agony.^†

Obviously this is god punishing me for some perceived infraction. Were I a religious man, I'd probably give up god for Lent. Anyway, I've tried rebuilding tolerance, sampled alternatives such as: soymilk, ricemilk, lactose-free milk, goat's milk might be next, but to no avail. Apparently god is not so easily fooled. I've ruled out the lactose though, perhaps there's wacky hormones being pumped in there now, I dunno. Organic milk tests are as yet inconclusive but wouldn't that be ironic (or something), that it's actually Man playing god by manipulating the cows that's fucking me over.

Regardless, as with most experiments conducted on one's self, the results have ranged from 'awful' to 'meh?', but have not been terribly successful. And this whole ordeal has really put a damper on my cereal-eatin', believe me the boxes haved piled up. I've even had to resort to more oatmeal which is like a fisherman losing both his arms and now needing to learn to cast with his feet. Ok, it's not like that at all but you get the picture (which probably isn't of me sitting at a table not being able to fully enjoy my cereal but rather of an armless man sitting in a boat with rod and reel between his toes. And how the hell did he get out in the middle of a lake like that?! He must've learned to row with his feet as well that resourceful chap, unless it's a paddleboat, which you probably didn't first envision when reading this and have now just sneakily revised the image in your head.)

Plus, this new Blogger may be flaking on me a bit. But chin up! Those As Seen On TV pics are coming.

_{^†While looking for a synonymous adjective to the word 'bowel' (other than 'intestinal') look what I found: Middle English, from Old French boel, from Latin botellus, small intestine, diminutive of botelus, SAUSAGE!}

"sweet... sweetness!"

2007-02-10T12:48:00.000-05:00

I just received a catalog filled exclusively with 'As Seen On TV' items!! Stay tuned. A new segment with pictures soon to follow.

Our Golden Era

2007-02-06T09:28:00.000-05:00

Want to show your age, grampa? Turn a key to fire up your wagon! With many automobile manufacturers now touting pushbutton ignition systems in their vehicles, can zero-emission hovercars be far behind? What other technological marvels are peeking at us from around the corner? Bet on the following five:

1. Pushbutton flies for your trousers - Guys all hate fumbling with the zipper when it's time to make yellow. And the designer of those "button-flies" was hauled off in a straightjacket a long time ago. But with the pushbutton fly, just depress the red switch on the end of the slider and watch the automated system unzip itself! Go to the bathroom in style!

2. Hammer with USB-powered GPS system - Ever been in that scenario where you really need to hammer something but you're lost on the backroads of megalopolisville? Ditto. That was the thinking that inspired this brainchild. It's a hammer but with a built-in state-of-the-art GPS unit in the head. (USB cable not included)

3. Auto-hinge eyeglass frames - Automate everything!^™ These beautiful frames are equipped with the latest nano technology. Pressure-sensitive gyros tell the unit when they are being worn & when they are being removed. Two seconds upon removal, the auto-hinge^© activates and folds up the earpieces! No muss, no fuss!

4. iPod flavored Lucky Charms - Being a child these days is no easy task. Peer pressure. Fast-paced technology. It's enough to drive you Cuckoo for Cocoapuf... (oops). Make sure your kids start the day off right with this hip new line of cereal. It's like they're eating technology!^™ Fortified with 14 essential vitamins & nutrients, iPod flavored Lucky Charms come in black, white, shuffle, nano, and video flavors* complete with iPod shaped marshmallows. _{(*warning: utensils may not be fully compatible with all varieties. Check with manufacturer)}

5. Ignition System for PCs - Overclockers & techgeeks rejoice! If you really want to rev up your gaming rig, ditch the pushbutton on/off switch and install this new ignition system on your PC. Be the bad-ass at the next LAN party and leave your foes in the dust. Just insert the key, give it a crank, wait for Windows to boot up, and get ready to burn up the information superhighway.

I am so freakin' excited

2007-01-29T00:39:00.000-05:00

Not for this salad, though it should be quite tasty. No, because
finally, FINALLY!, after years of waiting, I have begun to see corn-based plastics on the store shelves. I figured the oil & oil-based plastic lobbyists would never let this day come to pass. Maybe there is some hope for us after all. Plus, plant-based detergents are now easier to buy and not that expensive either! Imagine.

Imagine back to the horror

2007-01-16T10:26:00.000-05:00

adolescents with the initials S.T.D. felt when they learned Venereal Diseases (VD's) were renamed Sexually Transmitted Diseases. On the other hand, the Vinnie D'angelo's & Valerie Davis' must've been ecstatic.

Addendum: Worth watching if you get a chance. USS VD: Ship of Shame. Remember folks, aspirin won't stop the Clap!

a boob and a nipple

2007-01-11T00:39:00.000-05:00

Why, ultimately, First Night parties disappoint

2006-12-31T17:06:00.000-05:00

For many a year (I'm guessing here), towns have offered non-alcohol based celebrations as an alternative to the usual drunken revelry of new year's eve. Though a nice concept, ultimately these sober soirees fall flat through no real fault of their own. The problem, of course, is that Man has made life a particularly un-fun experience. If this weren't the case, I'm sure the instances of vicariously-livin' football dads punching out referees would diminish greatly.

"Life is tough" gets bandied about often though it's really not accurate for the majority of humans anymore. Life is actually very easy; either you're alive and you're a success or you're dead and you failed. Living however is a different story. In the developed Western world, we are lucky enough to lead mundane existences.

And this is where alcohol comes in to play. Society is adamant in forcing upon us the notion that drinking it = fun. The de facto meaning of the word 'party' seems to imply alcohol and thus we use terms like "dinner party" or "birthday party" to warn potential attendees that the emphasis will not be on the alcohol. It's similar to the word for meat in Chinese. If you leave off any descriptors people assume you're referring to pork.

So yes, booze is fun-in-a-bottle (or fun-in-a-bottle-in-a-bag for those keepin' it real types). The favorite comment drunks make to sober people at parties is either "wow, aren't you bored?" or some expression of condolence. Placing 3rd is the bizarre "I really respect that".

Many people drink to loosen up and lower their inhibitions. It's societally accepted and easily dismissed if a person demonstrated over the top antics at the company party "Oh he was drunk, that's why his pants were around his ankles". Don't get me wrong, I don't equate 'pants-down' with 'uninhibited', I just lumped them together in a demonstration of poor grammar. I was just making the point that some use it as a tool. Now, why people are so inhibited during their daily lives is a topic for much discussion another day, but let's face it, most people are scared to be themselves for fear of failure, ridicule, others' perception, etc.

There's too much money to be made here so society wants us to think people not drinking alcohol, particularly on this holiday, either can't because they're allergic or "recovering from disease" (don't get me started) and thus deserving of sympathy, or are nerdy, socially awkward, or just don't know better and thus deserving of ridicule. By the way, the "just doesn't know better", in respect to the concept of happiness, is explored to interesting effect in Stumbling On Happiness by Daniel Gilbert. It's a quick, fun read.

With all these factors in play then at a non-alcohol First Night function, all it really takes is a boisterous, too-cool-for-school kinda person to really throw a wrench in the works.

All that being said, one of the better new year's eves for me was one of these First Night things in NY, which included me really really stinking it up trying to learn how to salsa. Just to know a thing about me, I'm forever fearful of the idea of dancing because of that one SNL skit where Chris Farley is in the back of a bar mocking Jeff Goldblum yelling "Hey Everybody! Let's do the IDIOT!!!".
Hmm, the worst new year's eve was probably standing in the cold in Times Square for however many fucking hours surrounded by guys pissing on walls and women squatting in the streets doing the same (except on the ground of course, so 'same' refers to the pissing action not the object being pissed on) followed by a near riot after the ball dropped. So yeah, new year's, pfffft.
But I do like the Lunar New Year.

Seasons Greetings!

2006-12-25T15:46:00.000-05:00

Don't believe the hype!

2006-12-22T09:39:00.000-05:00

Man, I don't care what Tiger Woods tries to tell us in those TV ads. The ugly Buick Rendezvous (silver) is just a repackaged, hideous Pontiac Aztek (the yellow "Rosie O'Donell-mobile").

Happy Holidays!

into the abyss

2006-12-19T14:03:00.000-05:00

If you were to say "into the pit" or "into the void", the accent sounds fine on the in. However were you to say "into the abyss" nothing will do other than an accent on the to. That's just the way it is, deal with it.

Take it from me, buying items from those goofy companies that sell crap such as the "fits all sizes velour drawstring pants" in ads in the backs of magazines is an iffy proposition at best.

And someone please shove this down the throats of those Paris Hilton/Trump/GWBush types so they'll understand what's actually important.

CW

2006-12-12T11:00:00.000-05:00

Those are the initials for NJ's 'Conserve Wildlife' vanity license plates. Now, I don't want to be presumptuous but I've seen many folks in the huge pickup trucks and the gas-guzzling Mercedes with these plates. Some also are adorned with the W Bush stickers. There might be a perfectly good explanation for all of this. I, however, think they're just announcing, "I'm okay with myself. Now". Well let's be honest here people. You're not.
Wow! That was extremely presumptuous!

Flipped, pickle-haulin' 18 wheeler on the highway today. Or so they say. I didn't see any free pickles in all that bumper to bumper goodness. 6 miles in 2 hours? That's better than the 15 ft/hr. rate on Black Friday's shopping "bonanza".

Taco Bell

2006-12-08T15:20:00.000-05:00

I've been hankering for it but it's certainly not worth dying from dysentery over due to E. Coli poisoning. Developing a resistance to E. Coli would be one of the most useless bodily victories. It just means you'd be able to consume high quantities of human feces without deathly repercussions. C'mon! You can do better than that.

Quiche

2006-12-07T09:43:00.000-05:00

Now where does the expression "real men don't eat quiche" come from? The stuff is delicious! I hope I didn't just inadvertently confess to something.

The holiday shopping rush is on and, as in recent years, I have resorted more and more to the internet. Which of course becomes a huge problem when one's cable modem craps out nonstop. I might have to rename this blog "Cablevision Sucks!", except, what do I do when I drop them as a provider? Gotta think more long term...

It's not enough that

2006-12-01T11:19:00.000-05:00

the post-Thanksgiving bumrush of Xmas music began minutes into 11/24 (Monkey King and I know this because we stupidly went out pre-dawn for the shopping mayhem). They also include in the rotation that Vanessa Williams "Save the Best for Last" song!!
The song is no great shakes and fer cryin' out loud, there's but one line in there that even mentions snow, and it's about how "sometimes the snow comes down in June". That is not Christmas-y, my friends. Going by that logic, any song with a mention of snow or ice is fair game.
Frank Zappa's "Don't Eat the Yellow Snow" should be piping through the malls (and it IS great shakes). Or anything by that white Toronto reggae guy Snow (which probably isn't).

Home ISP update: Someone's been doling out bum cable modems to me causing numerous problems. Get on the ball! I'm talking to you, Cablevision.

Hope Thanksgiving was good for all.

Wow

2006-11-27T13:17:00.000-05:00

This is such a sack of shit.
Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving break and their return to the workplace has not been as crappy as mine's been today.

When will people learn?

2006-11-15T11:07:00.000-05:00

Do not doubt Tesla.

Gallup Poll

2006-11-10T11:53:00.000-05:00

The Gallup poll's been calling and finally got through to me. I was amped to be one of the survey respondents who'd constitute that sample group whose opinions would be representational of a larger whole which would then influence trendspotters who would pass the information on to policymakers who form thinktanks which would then recommend procedures to whomever's in charge on how to sway mass public opinion to his perverted way of thinking.
First question: "How old are you?". Also the last question.
Unfortunately the time it took Gallup to finally reach me was enough for me to age out of their demographic group. Fie!

5 boxes

2006-11-08T22:16:00.000-05:00

of Count Chocula. Enough you say? I think not.
Do you believe the Bushy Gov't will get the message from the election results? (see above response. But at least that chode Rumsfeld is out.)
And what wiseguy decided to spell the word 'do' with only one 'o'? It's completely throwing off fake words like 'donut'.

Happy Halloween!

2006-10-31T08:46:00.000-05:00

"If you focus on the finger, you'll miss all that heavenly glory".
(Just kidding, I'm not dressed up as Bruce.)

Still waitin' for 2 things...

2006-10-18T12:27:00.000-05:00

to flood us consumers: chocolate mint flavored M&M's and chocolate cola. Spell it Choklit if you want, you Marketing Slime, but get it out there. It's gold I tell you!!
Going into a Panera is like stepping foot into a businessperson's convention. Sheesh. The food might not be tasty enough to offset this. And the "reduced sugar Asian sesame vinaigrette" tastes remarkably like "reduced sugar via added artificial sweetener Asian sesame vinaigrette" but I guess that name's too long.
Lookit me, I'm freakin' prolific these days! Easy when one writes pure nonsense.

New nickels? Why?!

2006-10-16T11:10:00.000-05:00

For whatever reason the US Mint is crankin' out new nickels. And if you thought Jefferson looked ugly on 2005's "bighead profile version" wait'll you see this year's. He's an abomination of nature! Don't stare too closely or you'll turn to stone. It almost makes you feel uneasy carrying this thing in your pocket and it's so hideous I bet the coin instantly depreciates below it's 5¢ worth.

Sabor Latino

2006-10-11T08:31:00.000-05:00

La Yogurt now offers horchata flavor!! Sweet heaven! La Yogurt, that is why I love you so. Oh, and also for your strawberry fruit cup & piña colada.

Halloween means it's Count Chocula time and I'm on a cereal-consuming rampage. Hide the women and children.

Ladies, a warning:

2006-10-06T12:43:00.000-05:00

(fellows, you should already know this). Many office men do not wash up after 'conducting their business', numbers 1 or 2. Be wary of that pat on the back or handshake! God, I hope it's not the same with both genders. Someone please give me some insider info!

Ka-POW!!!!

2006-09-29T13:07:00.000-05:00

The majority of my office building is occupied by some sort of Health Care Service. One of the signs in the lobby points towards an "Intoxicated Driver Resource Center". I really hope that when one opens the door for that facility it's just a huge boxing glove on a spring that pops out and clobbers the person. Plus a sign that screams, "DON'T DO IT YOU THOUGHTLESS, SELFISH ASSHOLE!!!" because, really, what else needs to be said?

(the long awaited)Cereal Review: Nature's Path Optimum ReBound
I've been gettin' all healthy-shmealthy with my cereals of late. The healthiest & shmealthiest may well be this cereal which consists of freeze-dried bananas, almonds, flax seeds, raisins, matcha green tea, and all this other organic/oaty/nutty/wheaty stuff. I don't even know what a bunch of it is but it must be healthy cuz there's pictures of marathon runners on the box. Anyways, it tastes great if you just let the bananas rehydrate a little prior to your eating them.

Oh yeah

2006-09-24T22:00:00.000-05:00

And I have a lot 'on my plate' as they say. Busy times! I gots like a 20 box backlog of cereals I must go through.

color us bronze (unfunny basketball talk)

2006-09-24T21:15:00.000-05:00

The recently completed World Basketball Championships saw the US women's team fail in their usual fight to the gold as they managed but a bronze medal! This is the same 3rd place finish as the US men's accomplishment earlier in the summer in their WBC, however the difference between the two is drastic.
The men were lucky to medal at all. Though their players were more committed than in recent years, USA basketball's approach for the men is still completely wrong. They're still slapping superstars together with a very short training period and the players continue to underestimate other countries' teams.
The women's loss is a bit of a shock though. I know they're bringing in new, young players, and they lost Lisa Leslie, but they've been the best for so long it's unreal. The Aussies beat them this year in a scrimmage or something, but the US women's team has ~50 straight international wins in tournaments over the last decade.
Now, Russia and Australia are both powerhouse teams who compete very well against the US, but Team USA women's approach to international competition is exemplary. They barnstorm together, keep the WNBA season complementary with FIBA rather than flout them, etc. (though this year was a little rough). It might have just come down to the fact Lisa Leslie wasn't there because that is how phenomenal she is. Well, they handled themselves with class and grace which is always a question mark with the men. At least, I think they did. It's tough to tell since the goddamned TV channels didn't broadcast a single game of the women's WBC!!! Pure crap.
Anyway, I'm still proud of the women. And I'm amped about the upcoming NBA season, despite everything wrong with that league. With hoops on the mind then, and to celebrate the women, here would be my WNBA favorites/dream team starting 5:

Center - Lisa Leslie (still the best)
Power Forward - Lauren Jackson (I'm finagling here cuz she's gotta start, should be a center, D-Nasty a PF, and Tamika the SF)
Small Forward - Delisha Milton "D-Nasty"/"Sunshine", 2 great nicknames, tells you how her game is (she is my favorite. Period)
Shooting Guard - Diana Taurasi (I like her game. If I were basing a team on looks then she'd have to be subbed by Becky Hammon though, who's very good regardless. And somehow Stacey Dales would have to be in there too.)
Point Guard - Sue Bird (my 2nd favorite)

Honorable mention - Tamika Catchings (she's just a beast, in a good way). Candace Parker will be an absolute monster (again, in a good way) when she turns pro also.

I don't wanna jinx the Nets this year but I'm feeling good about 'em. Can't fucking wait!

Awful!

2006-09-19T09:30:00.000-05:00

It took the band Soul Asylum 8 years to come up with this??

You might be right
You might be wrong
You might just think your life has gone on for too long

Your knees get weak
And your heart grows cold
And youre tired of doing everything youre told

And nothing can take away from you
What you take and what youve been through

Stand up and be strong
Stand up and be strong
It wont take long
You cant go wrong
Stand up and be strong

You might have to fight
You might have to cry
You might have to cry
You might have to fight
Stand up and be strong

If you live in the hills
You take too many pills
If youve lost the thrill
Against your own will
Stand up and be strong

And nothing can take away from you
What you take
Well you know what youve got to do

Stand up and be strong
Stand up and be strong
It wont take long
You cant go wrong
Stand up and be strong

If you get all depressed
When you get undressed
If youre lifes a mess
Remember youre blessed
Stand up and be strong

The good thing about this song though is you can extend it indefinitely with your own lyrics:
"Your breakfast was small, don't trip or you'll fall, stand up and be strong".
Or "You went out for a stroll, You stepped in a hole, Your girlfriend's a Pole, stand up and be strong".
How about "You wish you could fly, You ate too much pie, You ate too much pie stand up and be strong". I think I could do this all day actually!

It doesn't inspire confidence...

2006-09-07T21:26:00.000-05:00

driving on the freeway behind a sewage tanker transport truck. Especially one with a port-a-pottie precariously strapped to its back via one bungee cord. "Nosir, I don't like it."

Thumbs down are also in order for when drivers chuck their chewed bubble gum out their windows. 'What's the big deal?' you might ask. Let's just say, once upon a time several years ago, you spent a good deal of your earnings purchasing your first new car. Nothing fancy, possibly a black Nissan, but it was yours and it was shiny and clean. Then, perhaps on the 2nd or 3rd day of ownership, during your work commute in the blistering summer heat, you rolled through a gooey piece of said discarded gum and it sprayed all over your fender and wheel-well causing you to have a massive conniption*. And only after months of bitterness, when your new beauty's bumpers were completely trashed by poor NYC parallel parkers, and your doors dented by old suburban NJ farts parked next to you in the supermarket lots, folks who should've given up the ghost years back, and you realized what true new-car-owner misery was, only then could you ease up on the gum litterbug. But just a little bit, you fucker!
The end.

Moral of the story? I'm gonna git chu, sucka!!!*

^{*I love the 80's!}

I have rebuilt my computer system (again x ∞) this time for good. Right?

Last Train to Clarksville

2006-08-27T23:43:00.000-05:00

I swear I just saw a Western Union banner ad with Micky Dolenz in it.

big news!

2006-08-24T09:46:00.000-05:00

The world's astronomers have decided at last that Pluto no longer counts as a planet and has, instead, been demoted to 'dwarf planet' status. This is good as they've finally agreed upon a definition for what 'planet' means.

In other news, this is my 2nd work post and I'm close to rebuilding my home PC. I will soon be blogsurfing again! Also, I really haven't eaten much cereal lately. Has the world gone mad?!!

my home computer

2006-08-21T14:05:00.000-05:00

is seriously scrod. (my first post from work!)

dunno 'bout this grammar

2006-08-09T20:54:00.000-05:00

Were a man's schlong so long as to dangle in the toilet water whenever he sits upon the pot, would that not be more curse than blessing?

That Tail's Gotta Be Really, Really Long

2006-07-31T22:18:00.000-05:00

Word on the street is niche markets are reshaping the new economy. Actually it isn't the street so much as the corporate boardroom, where crusty old White guys in suits steer the course of my life and yours toward the most profitable destination (for them). Stuff one hears on the street sounds more like: "Ohmigawd, that skirt is SO nawt hawt", "Didjew hear? Mel Gibson's changing his name to Gibblestein", & "I'll suck yo' dick fo' five dollas" (truth be told only one of these has been said to me).

Anyway, to get the jump on the new direction in which we're headed, here's a list of the "next" "big" "sellers" for the niche folk:
_{1. footbath flavored potato snacks
2. gift certificate to the "Saggy Grannies In Soiled Adult Diapers" revue
3. Pigfucker TV
4. drugs, drugs, drugs
5. Hot Pockets' Pre-chewed Dinners
6. Danielle Steele books. No WAY a mass audience would be into THAT crap
7. Fruit for Dessert, Inc. franchise rights
8. Instructional video for men: "How to sit with your legs together on crowded public transportation"
9. We Love Bird Flu Club membership
10. subscription to Spice Up Your Anus magazine, the bi-weekly publication dedicated to people who like putting spice & other condiments in their rectums.}

the truth hurts

2006-07-27T17:54:00.000-05:00

In case you wonder why Ashlee Simpson doesn't have a "cool urban" name, the answer's simple: A.Simp is remarkably uncool. The only way she'd do worse is if her name were Ashlee Hole.

Other Items of note:
This seems legit but how can it be? "Yeah, the guy in the ridiculously awesome electric car named after the best inventor ever DOESN'T have to look like Ed Begley Jr.? C'MON!!" L's a Tesla fan, she's gotta be excited.

Also, I caught the women's 9-ball BCA Open championship on TV recently. This girl (she's only 20!) was fucking incredible. She rocked everybody including Karen Corr & Allison Fisher, the 2 women who always win everything. Seriously, I've never seen someone consistently sinking three balls on the break like that. This Jasmin lady was so precise it was a thing to behold. These players always inspire me to head to the pool hall where I blow a wad of cash in exchange for supreme frustration since I can't even hit the ball straight despite all my calculations of velocity, spin, and other assorted trickery. "It's all physics and geometry!" PFFFFLLLPPTTT.

Cereal Review (times 2!): Double Chocolate Cookie Crisp & Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp
These two are just not freakin' worth it. Get the original. Well not the 'chocolate chips turn the milk purple' original but the normal, current Cookie Crisp. No joke, it rivals Count Chocula as one of my all-time favorites plus it goes on sale at times of the year not named Halloween.
Have a good weekend, I'll be stopping by as many blogs as I can between Munchy (the name o' my PC) crashes.

Mr. Obvious Humor (this one's for you, David Cross & Jay Leno!)

2006-07-23T17:45:00.000-05:00

Video card is on the fritz so I'll keep this short
My new high fiber, flax, & lactose diet is really paying dividends!
I just referred to "poop" as "dividends".
I'm not ready to write all these "tasty nuggets" during work hours. Maybe once I'm acclimated. The wrong first impression would leave a "real stain" on my reputation. This chocolate milk needs another "Hershey squirt" in it.

childhood aspirations

2006-07-18T21:47:00.000-05:00

Do kids actually say to themselves, "when I grow up I wanna be paparazzo"? These paparazzi swarm like roaches. Where do they come from?

you can take that... to the bank. the blood bank.

2006-07-11T19:16:00.000-05:00

NJ's up and running again, Poland's president has named his twin brother as prime minister, and Steven Seagal thinks he's a blues musician (I can't believe I quoted that fat fraud in my title). Seems like a good time to post a picture of me in front of Kenosha Wisconsin's crackerjack Mars' Cheese Castle. Summer sausages? Outtasight!!

NJ. Closed.

2006-07-05T14:21:00.000-05:00

Today's rant-
   So New Jersey is currently shut down with only "essential" state employees on the clock. The reason is a budget deficit. Again (surprise!). Governor Corzine's proposed 1% sales tax increase is being stonewalled by his own party and things be gettin' ugly. Republicans, seeing a chance to bolster their position, are lashing out at whomever's in range. If NJ's leaders were any more inept they'd be declaring war on Iraq. Zing! Bottom line: no budget = no pay for state workers. Thus beaches, parks, casinos, etc. shut down and folks are bitching & moaning about their ruined summers. Obviously these are 'big picture' people.
   NJ loves taking out 30 year loans, borrowing from the future for a quick fix. If it's actually used to stop that sort of behavior, a 7% sales tax vs. 6% won't kill me. $.99 hamburgers will either drop to $.98 or increase to $1.03 so no one will have to deal with stupid pennies and my mental math will need to adjust; not so bad. There's actually a pretty easy solution to this entire crisis. SPEND LESS FUCKING MONEY!!!! I don't want to hear "300 schools get olympic size swimming pools and new laptops for every student". Nor "union employees retire at 55 with lifetime benefits for them & their families". Ditto "state gives (pro sports franchise) $500 mil. for new rent-free arena".
   If the pols try their best and yet, inconceivably, still can't pay for essential programs then raise the carbon/gas/fuel tax. It's not like people will stop driving. But they might ditch the behemoths in favor of fuel-efficient cars. This reads like a Hans Christian Anderson fairy tales doesn't it? Those always were gruesome stories.

Next week's rant- Aging multibillion dollar scoundrels who suddenly donate a sizeable portion of their wealth to philanthropic organizations in hopes of spit-polishing the shit off of their legacy and buying their way into heaven. It won't work, you jerkoffs!
Actually, there's not much more to say about it.

Whoop de damn doo (Nerd alert!)

2006-07-03T10:45:00.000-05:00

A company finally decided to suck it up and hire me so I'm returning to the workforce performing career-related job duties! Yay! To give you an idea as to how long I've been out of "the Game" allow me to provide a reference point. During that time a Third Age passed in our world (well, it's that age when everyone gets married and buys homes) and the Ents conferred and opted to go off to war forcing the normally domestic Entettes to head to the factories. Upon returning from combat the workforce influx shifted their economic structure, hurdling them into a service-based society. Now, fully 2/3 of all your digital camera & printer troubleshooting questions are routed to their call centers. The helpdesk phone numbers are not toll-free either so be wary. Average call length is approx. 17 days (which is actually quite good in Ent-time).

And thank goodness I will soon have dental coverage again. My teeth are gettin' crowded. I'm not talking "saturday afternoon at the Jersey mall" crowded, I'm talking "portapotties at a 3 day all-you-can-eat Olestra chili & bran muffin jamboree" crowded. The culprits are 3 impacted wisdom teeth. When I got my first wisdom tooth yanked it was a disaster of Biblical proportions. I think I saw locusts. Or cicadas or something. It was a terrible ordeal but I certainly had no plans of doing that Tom Hanks 'Castaway' shit either. This time I'll insist the oral surgeon gas me. Which reminds me, Happy Independence Day! Even to all you countries out there under the thumb of occupational forces from a foreign nation whose administration is attempting to curb the free press, a key element to the checks and balances system of a democracy. I'm sure plenty of firecrackers will be shot off though AK-47s will probably do in a pinch. Remember, Safety first.

quality

2006-06-26T20:55:00.000-05:00

And now, courtesy of Mr. Cheeks' Lights, Camera, Action!, a lyrical excerpt for your enjoyment:
"Dances around, she struts with the fuck-walk,
touches her toes, and she can make her butt talk".

By the way, Textures has released a new album!! Their site has free songs for you to download. They also have a new singer and he's better than the last. I'd describe them as a more accessible Meshuggah; lotta polyrhythms but with some melody thrown in. I like 'em even if they have been dubbed "the best metal band from the Netherlands". I mean, what else is there to compare with besides The Gathering and After Forever? These bands are all so far removed on the metal spectrum it's like comparing roasted chicken gizzards, pretzels, & edible underwear. They may all be tasty but that's about where the similarities end. Ahem, at least I've heard they're all tasty. I've yet to try pretzels. Oh!(ba dum tschhh!)

It's over

2006-06-22T20:24:00.000-05:00

And the NBA season couldn't have ended in a more abhorrent fashion. Dwyane Wade's fantastic but it's impossible to stomach Alonzo Mourning. Such a colossal jerk that Shaq almost seems ok in comparison. So what's to be learned from this hoops season?
A. the dress code- It's old hat and was dissected nicely by Monkey Migraine months ago but here's a quick recap: 1.) NBA players were required to wear business casual clothes to league-related functions causing a stink amongst players. 2.) that's it.

I thought the dress code was great because it taught kids three valuable lessons. 1. Judge a book by its cover. That's right, kids. Prudish white businessmen were scared because the league's full of 'thuggish' black folk. Also there happened to be a huge player/fan brawl in Detroit last year (Who wouldn't want to get into a fight in Detroit? It looks like it could be "brawl capital of the world"). By dressing players in khakis & polo shirts on bus/plane rides to arenas this aberrant behavior was stopped dead in its tracks.
2. You can't fight city hall. The Man can do anything he wants to you and if you've got a problem with it he'll give you the shaft. The sooner kids learn this life lesson the sooner they can drop that "naive" stuff and just grow old and wait for death like the rest of us.
3. Business casual includes "dress jeans". ¿Qué?
B. the women's league- The professional women's game is better paced than the men's and plays much closer to that of the Average Joe's non-athletic-freak-of-nature style. Also the women earn reasonable paychecks and actually interact with the real world. However they'll have a hard time reaching a broader audience when guys like Shaq & Charles Barkley constantly demean it. What a strange mixed message comissioner Stern is sending.
C. fans- As long as you score 81 points in a game you probably can rape to your heart's content. I wonder who drive intoxicated more, male pro athletes or hollywood actors?
D. I was wrong- I was wrong in ways unimaginable about the playoffs. Holy hell were my predictions off! As Linus proclaimed in The Great Pumpkin, "Just wait till next year!!!"

computer time will be scarce this week (again)

2006-06-13T21:53:00.000-05:00

al-Zarqawi's dead. Hooray! Hooray USA! All is right with the world again and I believe I just saw the ozone layer replenish itself. Right above a new colony of Passenger Pigeons!
Did You Know?
Lesser known than the Patriot Act, but even more important at striking fear in the hearts of Islamist Extremists bent on the destruction of 'freedom' in this world, is the Hooray USA Act which also spawned from the sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. Brief passages are excerpted below:

-For the next 7 years 2 months or until a Democrat takes office, it is a criminal offense to criticize the federal government, Texas, or any Tom Cruise or Carrottop movies (G.W. luvs 'em) unless you are a rich White corporate executive. OTHERWISE THE TERRORISTS WIN.

-For the subsequent 2 sports seasons pro athletes may not be referred to as heroes, nor shall they describe the games they play as "wars" nor their teammates as "soldiers". If possible, pro athletes must abuse human growth hormones. OTHERWISE THE TERRORISTS WIN. At baseball.

-Police officers, including meter maids, must be deemed "real heroes". Terrorizing US citizens is THEIR jobs, not some raghead's. O.T.T.W.

-US citizens' vehicles must be adorned with magnetic ribbons. Failure of the owners to do so must result in violence against both the vehicle and the vehicle's owner to teach them allegiance. O.T.T.W. AGAIN.

-Should a leader of an 'Axis of Evil' nation attempt to obtain nuclear capabilities, the president must refuse to engage in talks with said leader. He may only engage in talks regarding "nuke-ular capabilities". O.T.T.W.A.

-US citizenry must continue about their lives no differently than they did pre-attack. Acceptable behavior includes: American Idol or Will & Grace viewing, purchasing teeny dogs or oil-hungry oversized homes & sport utility vehicles (tax breaks provided to those who do all the above), hating soccer, receiving tattoos- lower back suns for women or tribal armbands for men though upside-down Chinese characters acceptable for both genders, truncating names and word structures (eg. Terminator 2=T2, Sept. 11=9/11, Merv Griffin=M.Grif), wearing religious crosses as decorative jewelry. O.T.T.W.

Cereal Review: Kashi Organic Promise Cinnamon Harvest
I must admit I'm starting to like this Kashi stuff. Cinnamon Harvest contains but 4 ingredients!! Organic whole wheat, organic evaporated cane juice, organic cinnamon, & natural cinnamon flavor. It's even certified organic by Quality Assurance International. I have no idea what that means. Since this cereal's not mineral fortified, there's little going on in the nutrients dept: fiber, protein, potassium, & iron. Just as nature intended. I don't recall stories of 6'6" cavepeople living to 110 years old. I'll get my vitamin C from an orange or something. I don't know where the hell riboflavin comes from. Anyway KOPCH is some tasty cinnamon-y shredded wheat. Good enough for this snaggletoothed dying midget.

a shame

2006-06-12T00:43:00.000-05:00

Latin jazz pianist Hilton Ruiz died last week after suffering a serious accident last month. 54. The guy had serious skills. And talent.

Yeah, but where's your dignity?

2006-06-01T13:53:00.000-05:00

Here's a story about a fellow who received numerous free credits for a music download service named Sony Connect. This guy thought, "what a little slice of heaven. I'll be able to legally obtain delightful songs like 'Contagious' by Y&T, 'Hold Me Now' by the Thompson Twins, and UTFO's 'Pick Up the Pace'". Their free proprietary software SonicStage would be his "Key to the Golden City". But it turns out the city was actually Camden, NJ. This experience, I imagine, is not unlike being given a pet as a gift. A cuddly pet that'll never learn to behave and will keep shitting inside your house. Sure it looks adorable and is full of such wonderful potential that you shower it with love but it keeps crapping all over your house!!! Actually this analogy stinks but suffice to say, SonicStage is shitting all over my computer.

Its problems are too numerous to mention and Sony tech support is no goot. Once, their recommendation broke my computer further forcing me into heavy investigation which eventually led to my fixing the problem. I guess that counts as 'help'. By and large though Sony tech support's way of dealing with complaints is to shovel more free download credits at me. Everyone's got a price. Mine's the Andrews Sisters' 'Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy'.

Oh and you know what else sucks? Funky Winkerbean. That comic strip blows more than a broke, toothless crackwhore.

On a more pleasant note, Happy and Blue2 is back! Check out his new site (not the old, cybersquatted one).
Also, if you like reading about food in Japan, please take a look at Kenny's blog.

Remember,

2006-05-23T17:06:00.000-05:00

if you value your movie watching experience, dear god do not read a Time magazine review of the film beforehand!! It can lead only to surprise spoilers and misery. 1940s cinema-goers ready to paint the town red during that trying era, on their way out the door to the moving pictures show, probably glanced in their mailboxes only to be greeted with the blaring headline "Rosebud was his sled!". As the saying goes, Time waits for no Man (to first watch a movie before ruining key parts).

Cereal Review: Quaker's Chocolatey Peanut Butter Crunch
To say I was disappointed would be inaccurate as I've experienced previous failed Cap'n Crunch attempts at chocolate (Choco-Crunch) so I knew what to expect. Plus regular Cap'n Crunch contributed to my "Great Vomit Incident of '85". Still, I love Peanut Butter Crunch and, well, one never knows for sure. Alas, this product rates but a "met expectations". If you truly are hankering for a chocolate/peanut butter cereal kapow, opt for General Mills' Reese's Puffs.

Telltale sign

2006-05-11T14:03:00.000-05:00

If a guy calls a woman a 'ho' or refers to her 'jugs' or her 'can', chances are he's a closet farmer. Also check if his boots are coated in manure. In this 2nd instance, if he's NOT a farmer then good god what the fuck is he doing?!!

Here's one of the few jokes I can remember:
This couple had an excellent relationship until one day the man came home from work to find his girlfriend packing. He asked her why she was leaving him and she said she had heard awful things about him.
"What could they possibly have said to make you move out?"
"They told me that you were a pedophile."
He replied, "That's an awfully big word for a ten year old."

And finally, Nets, get your act together! I cannot accept you guys losing to Alonzo Mourning.

6/6/6

2006-05-08T13:15:00.000-05:00

To the left is an unretouched newspaper photo of the current pope. Goddamn he's a frightening looking figure! Don't tell me he's not giddy about the impending 6/6/06 this summer.

Extra!
As stated earlier, the Battle of Westernized Soy Milk has but 2 major combatants. However it would be pure folly to overlook piddling insurgents. ZenSoy is one such outlier. For consistency's sake, vanilla was again the flavor of choice. ZenSoy's viscosity falls directly between those of the 2 champs. Perfect! It's "pricepoint" (whew, when did English become such a stupid language?) is lower than both as well. The problem is ZenSoy's overpowering vanilla flavor. It's got "Big Dumb American Palate" written all over it. This brand is probably the soymilk of choice in Hollywood. Still, since it's relatively cheap, one could always purchase a carton of regular & one of vanilla and mix the two. Silk & 8th Continent better not get complacent.

Beetle Bailey Office Coping Mechanism

2006-04-24T18:51:00.000-05:00

To bypass insipid office chatter, try the following:
_{A.) Avoid eye contact. If you accidentally do meet someone eye to eye:
B.) Hear his/her sigh & initial gripe about something that, though it sucks, is not interesting at all.
C.1) Respond with a fairly innocuous, barely witty comment.
or
C.2) Respond with a sympathetic profanity.
D.) Elicit a laugh by chortling at remark (C).
E.) Walk away while laughing.*
*I learned this handy tip from reading Beetle Bailey cartoons growing up.}

This post was inspired by the following ridiculous dialogue.

Adidas Yellow Series

2006-04-20T21:15:00.000-05:00

I feel I am required by ethnicity to mention that Adidas is producing a Yellow Series of sneaker. Please note the graphic on the tongue. A bit of an odd approach for a company to take, no? If further shoe series include a "little Black Sambo" model and a "red-nosed drunken Irish" model then things are hunky-dory. Otherwise I may be a bit put-off.
The acceptable approach in life, afterall, is "You can't please everyone but you can piss everyone off". And that can be amusing. Anyways Adidas tend to aggravate my achilles.

In other major news! The Battle of Westernized Soy Milk
So which is it gonna be? Silk or 8th Continent? Both have their pros and cons. For instance, Silk's vanilla flavor is subtle but it has that ultra-thick weirdness to it. Like those low-fat milks made to resemble the consistency of whole milk and which fail miserably. 8th Continent's vanilla flavor on the other hand is a little overpowering and it's much more runny. Almost resembling rice milk. Plus it comes in the new 'much more difficult to grasp' bottle shape! Both have been tested on flaky cereals and both passed. However, since rice milk is just one step away from horchata! I give the nod to 8th Continent.

GodhasWheels' Story Hour

2006-04-06T18:17:00.000-05:00

Imagine the story of Willie Packer, a Black man trying to break into the NASCAR racing phenomenon. This "sport's" rabid fans, an interesting phenomena in and of themselves, have taken to calling him 'Fudge' due to his skin tone and love of brownies. A nickname of Fudge Packer normally upsets a man because of its derogatory nature, and in public Willie certainly acts affronted, but in private he is a closet flamboyant homosexual and actually relishes the name though it has nothing to do with relish, which he consumes in mass quantities along with the brownies. Now little does he know, many of the established redneck NASCAR drivers are also secretly gay and were initially drawn to the activity because of the homoerotic symbolism revolving around big cars & big engines. Though they distrust melanined folk, that fear would be trumped by their admiration for a man who could outwardly champion their cause within the community. Plus Willie's perty good-lookin'.

And so the wheels are in motion for Fudge to be a true ground-breaker in this bizarre national pastime. Literally, for Willie's day job is jackhammer operator for the city's transportation commission during their massive overhaul of the metropolis' roadways. Find out what happens next as disparate worlds collide due to Willie's carelessness, for while daydreaming about his third interest, astronomy, he accidentally strikes an underground power generator triggering a bizarre magnetic field anomaly around the globe. This sets off a chain of events, not to mention several fires and alarms, that results in the hurtling through space towards Earth of the tiny iron planet named Racsan. It's populated by dark-skinned raging heterosexuals who hate nothing more than car-racing, road construction, & chocolate fudge. Stay tuned!!!

Update:More lawyer letters. Running tally currently stands at 10. Let's see how many I'll get now that I've massacred the family down the street. Enjoy the weekend.

collywobbles

2006-04-01T12:40:00.000-05:00

I just like the word. Though, perhaps I've got a bit of it.

feeding frenzy

2006-03-30T19:27:00.000-05:00

Recap:! Sunday night- didn't stop at supermarket parking lot exit stopsign and issued a summons by "gotta make month-end quota" cops.
! Info not yet in their online system when I got home past midnight. (ie. monday morning)
! Wednesday- received letter from lawyer looking to defend me in the case "State of NJ vs. Glomgold".
! Thursday- received 4 more lawyer letters. Good fucking god!

And a big FUCK YOU, CUNTS!! to United Airlines Rewards Magazine Subscription Customer Service Center. Since Dec 2005 I've tried numerous times to get an address change. No big whoop you say? Last week I was told a customer service rep would call me back to help resolve the issue. Apparently it's tuff stuff, may require a doctorate. The message left for me today stated they cancelled my magazine for me. "Wh' happened?" Upon calling them back the lady on the other end would only say, "It's been cancelled b/c you have 2 subscriptions to the same magazine". I told her in no uncertain terms that's pure horseshit and to please explain what the hell is going on. But she was programmed only to say those same words (undergrad of the parakeet speech-training school). More calls & yelling ensued.
End result: magazine subscription = cancelled. Can't be reactived nor reordered b/c "it's not available". Well then how about my "2nd subscription"? Doesn't exist!
This is bad sitcom shit. Where's Fran Drescher? I guess I should take solace in the fact they'll all lose their jobs to India soon.

the boys in blue

2006-03-27T00:03:00.000-05:00

This post is dedicated to the nation's police officers. Specifically the fucking jerkoff and his cocksucking partner who issued me a summons for rolling through the stop sign of a supermarket parking lot at 11:30pm on a sunday night. Thanks you chodes! Well, I'm sure you guys will be there when there's major trouble or at least when there's guys smoking dope/drunk/on the phone & swerving all over the roads. Wait, no. I've yet to ever see that actually. Since this is the 'burbs you don't pull anyone over unless they're Black. Or unless it's late night and you're upset at yourselves again for not having the guts to join the military and thus take it out on a poor ol' Chinese guy who just wanted to buy a bottle of orange-glo cleanser (and who didn't even find it). My next positive experience with a cop will be my first.
So, this next paycheck of mine goes out to you, you corrupt bastards. And to my soon to be increased auto insurance premiums. Rot in hell you useless scum. I salute you. Fuck off! Big time.

The age of Man

2006-03-20T19:03:00.000-05:00

What a glorious time for us men to be alive. Not only did L show us many months ago that we're smarter than women (based off of skewed research provided by men) but there is a plethora of bald-headed celebs whom we can idolize too should we be of the follicly-challenged ilk.

This was not always the case. Why even in the last few decades there were scant few chromedomes one could admire. The choices were basically Telly Savalas, Ernst Blofeld, Destro, or that 'ha ha ha, 7-Up' guy. Why, in the 80's if a fellow didn't wear lots of makeup, get a perm, and "grow (his) hair to the sky", as stated in Cinderella's Gypsy Road, he wasn't a man! Not so now.

Lastly, I bet all those impotent dudes who've been hiding in caves for the past half century are now rejoicing. Not only has their condition's name been softened (hoo!) to 'E.D. ie. erectile dysfunction' but every other ad in the US is some sort of pill that treats it. Now is the era. The era for bald, impotent men. Just look at our VP! Actually I think I'd prefer Ernst as our leader.

Song of the week: "Treat Her Like a Prostitute" by Slick Rick. Oh don't worry, if anyone gets treated like a prostitute around here it's me, by corporate america. The "invisible hand of Capitalism" reams me a new one daily, and for a mere pittance.

Boring

2006-03-12T23:05:00.000-05:00

No doubt I've been most boring of late. And I don't mean plain ol' boring, I'm talking Rik (Mayall) & Neil in The Young Ones boring. Bhaaahwwing. So here's an update regarding my to-do list from a month ago:
Obtain 80's songs "One Night in Bangkok", "Electric Avenue", & "Break My Stride". -check

Eat Total Vanilla Yogurt cereal. -check (not my stylo but I could see the yogurty thing being addictive to folks). I know The Frog Princess is a big Total fan.

Eat Great Grains cereal. -check. Quick Cereal Review: Despite my initial hesitance due to the presence of dried dates (I always find them a turnoff for some reason), this cereal rocks. It's so hearty I feel like I'm eating a bowl of trailmix with milk. You know how most cereals are flakes with some clusters thrown in? Well this stuff is the opposite; I'm hard-pressed to find flakes at all actually. Awesome. Thanks Sara for the recommendation.

So what's left? I guess the Yogurt Cheerios and the stop being a putz and get real career-advancing work thing. I'd better get started on Cheerios...

na na na na na, HEY! na na na na

2006-03-08T00:31:00.000-05:00

Taking my morning constitutional amidst a development of cookie cutter mcmansions, I couldn't help but feel a pang of sorrow for the owner of one particular house. Though he possessed the requisite horizontal off-white vinyl siding, backyard jungle gym, & large front entryway, he must certainly have been too poor to afford either the frontside brickface or the (I thought) standard 2 small first floor windows on the side of his home. For shame. I can only pray to our great wheeled god that the man will buy the best damn snow blower and riding lawnmowers on the market. You get that John Deere and you slap that magnetic yellow ribbon on the back, guy. Ya heard me?

one additional observation: Why are some NBA arenas playing Dream Theater and Yes songs?! "Owner of the Lonely Heart" is a far cry from Gary Glitter and I can't see the prog music/jock jams connection. Have members of these bands been indicted on child pornography charges as well?